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Ha, got ya. We all know there is no special formula for ensuring a successful marriage.
But despite knowing that there is no formula, we all, deep down, have our own ideas on what factors do and don’t help a marriage “work”. Am I right?
Recently I did a project on relationships and intimacy for my linguistics class (as my prof says, everything can be tied back to linguistics). The topic was centered around Giddens’s concept of the “Pure Relationship” which is defined as “where a social relation is entered into for its own sake, and is continued only so far as it is thought by both parties to deliver enough satisfaction for each individual to stay within it” (as cited in Layder, 2009, p.11).
Hmm.
Kind of dries out the ooey gooeyness of romance, doesn’t it? Basically, what it is saying is that we only stay in relationships for as long as we get something out of them, and if we stop getting anything then it is time to move on. This can apply to both friendships and romantic relationships. Ring true at all for you? Well, we decided to interview some people and find out the factors that they think are essential for a successful marriage, and whether they seem to relate to Giddens’ theories at all.
Surprisingly, the whole lot of them (about 50 interviewees) all came back with very similar ideas, that can be divided into the following three categories:
And if you read my essay (but you really don’t want to) these three factors all relate in some way back to the idea of the Pure Relationship and what makes it tick.
So after seeing such commonalities across my interviewees, I’m interested in what you think. Do you believe there are three essential factors in ensuring the success of a marriage? What are those factors for you?
I agree with all three of the ones you mention, but I think there’s another that’s equally important: A shared vision of the future.
Ultimately, you need to be on the same page as to how you want to live out your lives together, even beyond values, morals and interests.
For some couples that means devoting their lives to raising children and focusing on family, for others it may mean working toward early retirement so they can hit the road in an RV or travel the world, and for others it may mean being comfortable allowing each partner the freedom to pursue a separate passion without holding each other back.
I found myself nodding my head to your post. I do agree. I also like your stand point NotYourTypicalBride, there should be commonalitites in visions of your future together.
Great post! Very deep! 
I think, in addition to the excellent relationship points you’ve made, that it’s really important to remember that there is an alarming breakdown in the stats when you look at WHO is getting divorced. Divorce isn’t evenly distributed among everybody. Obviously, there are many exceptions to every rule, but the stats overall trend like this: If you’re over 25, childless, highly educated, etc, you’ve got an excellent shot and an incredibly low divorce rate. If you’re very young, uneducated, have kids out of wedlock, have a lot of debt going in, you’re very likely to have a failed marriage. Most people have a combo of these factors, so it’s not as clear cut.
Of course, it’s all so complicated, but it is an interesting way to look at the numbers! Percentages are not “One size fits all!” (thankfully!!)
I believe that many different kinds of relationships work, and there’s not one “magic formula” that a good marriage requires. However, I do think that one of the most important things for any solid relationship is excellent communication. Without it, sh** hits the fan. If you can communicate well with each other, then chances are you will last a long long time. Most problems in relationships are caused by lack of or bad communication when you think about it.
@NotYourTypicalBride: I totally agree.
@crayfish: good point!
I think those three are important, but flexibility is also a big one. I think being able to adapt and change within your marriage is so important. People change and as a partner you have to accept that and grow with each other.
Hi you! *waves*
I am very much a believer that when it comes to relationships there are no foolproof rules, there is no one winning formula, no three things that will dictate whether or not you can make it work. I don’t believe that time you’ve been together makes a difference, whether you’ve lived together or not, your age difference - all types of marriages fail and all types of marriages survive. It is so subjective and so dependant on your own personalities and ideals. I think the only common necessary requirement across all relationships is that both parties WANT to make it work
@Claun: hiya Claun! I also agree, and I find it interesting to look at how even though there is obviously no exact formula, there are still many theories as to what makes a marriage work. I guess it is just one of those things that cant be nailed down in black and white
I believe that to make a marriage work you need both a sense of togetherness and separateness - maintaining individuals lives and interests is JUST as important as developing a WE-ness or a sense of “Us.” Also, I think good old-fashioned hard work, remembering to maintain an interest in who your partner is (again, as a separate, unique human being), and laughter are key attributes.
I totally agree with this post. Also as NotYourTypicalBride mentioned it is about a shared future. One of my favorite quotes is “Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” Antoine De Saint-Exupery.
I would definitely have to say that it would be a commitment to make it last. All the other things are nice, but not necessary. If you go into it without divorce as an option, it makes it a lot more likely you’ll stay together.
One illustration I’ve heard is that of a tightrope walker. If she is walking up there without a safety net, she is probably going to try EVERYTHING possible to stay up there on the wire. However, if there is a safety net below, she might have a bit less incentive to try absolutely everything to stay on the wire. She knows she’ll be ok if she lands, even if it is disappointing, and not what she planned in the first place.
My husband and I signed a pre-nup before we got married, but not the usual kind. Ours said that in the case of divorce, all of our assets would be donated to charity. Now that’s the kind of pre-nup I can get behind! 
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Mrs. Earrings, Fresno, CA/ Nelson, New Zealand Age and Occupation: 20, Student, Wannabe Writer Fiance's Age and Occupation: 19, Photography Student Engagement Date: February 14, 2010 Wedding Date: January 2011 Venue: Gardens of the World About Me: I'm a girl from down under who grew up in Indonesia and I'm marrying a California boy. I'm addicted to all things sweet, have never met a chocolate silk pie than can get the better of me, and have dreams of one day being a fulltime novelist. I go weak in the knees for lace, tea cups, and a beautifully crafted sentence. When I get excited about something (whether it is historical linguistics or the Beatles) I tend to go overboard in research, and planning this wedding is no different. Mr. Earrings is my high school sweetheart, my best friend, and somehow we combine all our quirks into one big happy mess.
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