Weddingbee Blog

I read it all the time on forums dedicated to women “waiting” for a proposal from their boyfriends: “Why does he get all the power in this situation?”

In my opinion, the short answer is that he doesn’t. Tired of waiting for a proposal? Propose to him. Don’t want to continue the relationship if a proposal isn’t in the near future? Then you need to decide if you want to stick around or end the relationship. These options may not be ideal, but they are there. Women do have some power.

But it’s true that in a traditional proposal scenario, women are in the passive role. We wait for our man to be ready to propose, we wait for him to save up for a ring, we wait for him to buy it, and we wait for him to create the perfect moment in which to present the ring and ask for our hand in marriage.

That didn’t work for me. I am not the passive one in our relationship. If anything, I’m the dominant one, not because I’m bossy, but because I have stronger opinions on just about everything, while Mr. S is more of a “go with the flow” type of dude. He goes with the flow so much, in fact, that if I hadn’t taken a role in the engagement process, who knows when we’d have gotten engaged?

Here’s how it went:

Late October 2009 - We were at a party that was winding down. We were drunkity drunk drunk. As we slumped on adjacent bar stools and exchanged inebriated terms of endearment, Mr. S said “You know what? I’m ready to get engaged.” Now, I’d been ready for about a year or more, but Mr. S hadn’t been. He always made it clear to me that he loved me and was prepared to spend the rest of his life with me. It wasn’t about his commitment to me and our relationship. He just wasn’t ready to take the official next step. And I was OK with that because I knew it would happen eventually, but I was still ready to go. So when he slurred, “Let’s do it!” I was thrilled…but wary.

The Next Day - I brought up our conversation from the night before: “You meant what you said last night, right?” His reply: “Just because I was drunk doesn’t mean that I didn’t mean it. Let’s get engaged.” He told me that he wanted my help picking out a ring, which was fine with me, and that he’d need some time to save up. He prepared me for the fact that money was tight, so it would probably be quite a while until he had the ring.

Early November - Although we weren’t engaged yet, I suggested checking out a venue. The boy agreed, and off we went. We liked it but weren’t sure. A few weeks later, we went to check out another one and fell in love with it.

Also in Early November - We were taking a walk in the city when we passed a used jewelry store. I saw a gorgeous ring in the window with a price tag that I couldn’t believe (in a good way). I dragged Mr. S inside, tried it on, and we were out of there half an hour later, with the ring in the boy’s pocket. I think that he was pretty shell-shocked at that point; he’d expected to be saving up for several months to buy a ring, but two weeks later, he paid cash for a totally affordable one. We were ahead of schedule.

After That - Mr. S put the ring in a secret place and told me that he’d give it to me when he was ready.

And Then - That’s where the trouble began. Although I didn’t want to be a nag, I found myself repeatedly asking Mr. S “Since you have it, can’t you just give it to me?” I didn’t need a big romantic event; I just wanted him to propose and hand me the ring. I was so excited about being so close—I just wanted to tell my mom and my friends, but I didn’t feel right about doing it without a ring to show them. And then I started getting annoyed because, while he and I had been on equal ground during the process up until then, now I was completely powerless.

Finally - Mr. S said to me “Look, I’m not holding out just for the hell of it. Maybe I want to surprise you and make it special.” To which I said, “Oh. OK.” And I realized that if the tradition of a special, romantic proposal was important to him, then I was fine with waiting until he was ready.

And then, at Christmas - He proposed. And it was simple, but perfect.

So there you go. We both had some control in the process, and at first I didn’t sit idly by, waiting for it to happen; but then I realized that being just a bit patient would make it that much more special. It wasn’t the most traditional process, but I’m so happy with the way it worked out. I ended up with a ring that I love (and that didn’t put Mr. S into debt), and most importantly, I’m getting married to the man I love.

Did you have an active role in getting engaged?