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One of the biggest debates I’ve seen in the online bridal community is about kids at a wedding. Is it rude to have an adults-only wedding? Is it rude to bring your kid to someone’s adults-only wedding if you can’t find a sitter? Should the couple provide a babysitter for children? What about nursing babies? Should there be an age cutoff? What about family children vs. non-family children?
It’s enough to make me want to go take a nap.
When we first got engaged, I had this idea of having a gaggle of flower girls, all of our close friends’ little girls, because, well, it would be pretty. And precious. And we would end up with photos like this:
Source: Morrissey Photo
Soooo cute, right? But then we thought about the logistics.
If we invite some kids, we have to invite all kids. And if we have a few dozen kids there, we have to feed them. And rent chairs and tables for them. And suddenly, we’re looking at maybe $750 more!
So, we’re going kid free. Most of our friends would love to leave the kids with a sitter for one night so that they can party with us. The youngest person at our wedding will be my youngest cousin, who will be 13. The whole thing was pretty much a non-issue, a painless decision.
As far as the drama that the issue can cause, well, here’s my take on it:
A couple has every right to have a child-free wedding if that’s what they want. And a parent has the right to not want to leave their kids with a sitter or family member for the night or weekend. If a parent doesn’t want to leave their kids for an evening, and the couple didn’t want to invite the kids, well, then the parent shouldn’t attend the wedding. They shouldn’t resent the couple for having an adults-only wedding, and the couple shouldn’t resent the parent for not attending. It’s a totally valid reason for not attending.
Are you going to have children at your wedding? Did your decision cause any problems?
Actually, I’ve had quite a few friends who have had kids IN their wedding but not AT their wedding. The kids with the special jobs had fun and the parents with other children didn’t seem to mind. No age cutoff involved.
My son was just married this past summer and they also opted for “no children under 10 years old”, except the flower girl. Some wedding and reception venues are just not appropriate for children to run around in, and I totally agree with your reasoning that if parents don’t want to hire a sitter, it’s okay for them to not attend the wedding. We did have some guests unhappy at first, but it all worked out fine!
I attended a wedding where the couple being married had a child already. They didn’t invite children, but had a flower girl (their child) and ring bearer. These were the only children allowed. The upside is that they were part of the wedding. The down side is when guests see other children they wonder why theirs couldn’t come. But, like you said, the wedding would have been over run (and expensive) with so many more children.
I think you definitely CAN invite some kids and not others. Certainly guests will understand if you have children in the wedding party and invite them and their siblings to the reception. Plus even if they weren’t in the wedding party, I’d want to invite kids of close family members. It would break my heart if I had to tell my niece/nephew that I love that they aren’t invited to my wedding! Distant relatives and friend’s kids? I don’t think they need to be invited unless you have space/money to spare. I don’t think parents of those kids will wonder why you have your niece at your wedding but their kid wasn’t invited.
We’re lucky because out of all our guests, there are only 6 children. So they’ll be invited and they’ll come if the parents want to bring them. But I can totally see the dilemma when there are many many kids involved.
I agree with you, for the most part. But I have an issue with the “all or nothing” assumption. Just as a bride and groom have discretion to invite or not invite certain adults, I think it’s perfectly acceptable if they want to invite certain children (the ones they are close with or just their immediate family) and not others (ones they have no relationship with or have never even met).
I completely agree that resentment on either side is silly. Parents often manage to find sitters for less important social events, so a little extra effort for the wedding of a loved one shouldn’t be a big deal. And if they can’t, they can’t - no hard feelings. I don’t think it’s the bride & groom’s responsibility to find them sitters, though it’s a very gracious thing to do if you want to ensure certain people can make it.
Personally, we are including our immediate nieces and nephews only. They will all be in the wedding party. (In fact, they ARE the wedding party. :)) I haven’t had any complaints from guests, and like you, we’re finding that the great majority of our friends welcome the opportunity for an adult evening out.
Is it me, or does this mostly tend to be an extended-family issue (cousins, aunts, uncles who expect the “entire family” to be invited)?
I completely agree with you! I would love to have kids at my wedding, but really I would only want some kids (the ones i like, lol ok I said it). BUT if you invite some you have to invite all to avoid some drama. So my wedding will be kid free. Plus the extra cost is just something I CANNOT afford.
When I was younger, my parents got invited to a wedding (my mom’s nephew) that was adults only. My sister and I were like 11 and 13 at the time, I think. My mom and dad brought us along. They figured that because we were well behaved, and the whole reason for not having kids was that it was in a historic house and they didn’t want things getting broken, that it would be ok. Nobody said anything, and it was fine. Several people also brought nursing infants. They had a nursery with a window into the sanctuary, so mothers with infants could still watch from the nursery.
Personally, I come from a large family with nieces and nephews who will be anywhere from 17 to 1 year at my wedding. We also have friends who have children, all of whom we love and have grown close to. I can’t imagine telling people not to bring the children who have become such a wonderful part of our lives. Yes, it’s going to cost more, and some might chose to leave the kids at home anyway, but I am very much looking forward to having all the kids there that I have come to love 
No kids. Only after clearing it with most of our parent-guests, who would love a kid-free night. It is saving us a decent chunk of money since there are close to 30 kids.
We are dealing with this issue now. We are having a small wedding (about 50) and the only children we are having are my fiance’s own 3 children…obviously they would attend. We want a strictly “adult affair” My FH newphews who are 25, 28, and 31 are going to be invited and my Mom thinks that is not right since I am not inviting my own nephews (12 & 13) and my neice (7). I told her my FH newphews ARE ADULTS! Well that did not sit well. We are standing firm on this. Why can’t people just respect what the bride and groom want to do? Our opinion is that a wedding and reception for adults period. Plus my FH kids are 13, 15, & 18…not exactly toddlers. I feel everyone’s pain on this subject!
We’re having an evening NYE wedding and felt that it wouldn’t be very appropriate for children. We did end up inviting a few children of relatives that live out of state that would need a sitter for a few days and all their relatives would be at the wedding too. They’re all older than age 10. We didn’t invite any other children. We’ve gotten at least one decline based on this fact, but I’m not sure if they would have brought the kids anyway. It was the best solution for us because we’re not really planning on having kid friendly food either.
@finally@40:
I agree with your mom. It is kind of strange that you are inviting your fiance’s nephews and not your own. They aren’t young kids anyways, one is the age of your fiance’s son who IS invited! I think if you can, you should consider inviting your nephews and niece. Is it really worth fighting with your mom/family over 3 kids? (2 of whom are pre-teens)
There is actually more of a back story that I probably should have included. My brother and I are NOT close and I only see him and his family on Christmas and maybe one other time during the year. His wife won’t even let me have the kids overnight for NO valid reason. So that situation along with the fact that we are having a no kid policy is why we are standing firm on this. But I appreciate your opinion EmEv. Plus my FH kids no matter what age they are…would obviously attend…they are his kids.
@EmEv: I don’t think it’s strange at all that the OP is inviting her fiance’s nephews and not her own. His nephews are not even borderline children, they are full-fledged adults at 25+. Her niece is 7, much younger than even her groom’s kids. And her groom’s kids are not ‘invited’ in the real sense of the word; they are integral to the wedding of their own father. Not the same thing, IMO.
Oops, I didn’t mean the OP.. .I meant @finally@40.
The smallest kids at our wedding were our ringbearers, who were 2 and 4. They are our nephews and one is our godson, so we definitely had to/wanted to have them there. I didn’t invite any local infants but invited the kids of people coming from out of state. The only people who brought their kids were local, and their kids were older, so it worked out. I think the youngest was 7 and I didn’t even see him there.
We only have a handful of kids that people might invite, and while we’re not banning them or anything, we are having a VERY child-inappropriate wedding. Late night, lots of drinking, bad language, probably some streaking… people are being warned of this and if they really still want to bring their children, they can.
Though I think our plan only works because we’re already pretty well known for being terrible influences on kids… especially me. I have a very foul mouth and am not so good at toning it down when kids are around. Usually it’s a problem, but it makes the kids at wedding decision easy!
@Entangled: Now there’s a creative strategy! Especially the streaking!! LMAO
Luckily, by the time I get married, only three of my friends will have infants and one will have a two year old she is leaving at home. All kids will be either 10 and over or 2 and younger. I am not having any in-between. The weddings that I’ve been to that had numerous kids turned out very racous (sp?) and I was cringing the whole time promising myself to make sure not to have kids at my wedding. Thankfully, neither of my siblings have kids yet so it’s all good.
We’ve decided to invite the children of family members. We are not writing ‘no children allowed’ anywhere, but are hoping that when the invitation says, “mr & mrs Smith” not “and family” that people will take the hint. So far, the friends who have kids already are excited for a night away from their kiddos.
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Ms. Sloth, Philadelphia Age and Occupation: 35, Account Manager and Fashion Blogger Fiance's Age and Occupation: 30, Design Admin Engagement Date: December 25, 2009 Wedding Date: May 2011 Venue: Bartram's Garden About Me: I'm an internet junkie and music snob with a good eye for a bargain. I couldn't live without thrift store shopping, cheeseburgers, sushi, Coke Zero, websites devoted to silly photos of baby animals, Photoshop, and Mr. Sloth. Speaking of which, he and I are a pair of goofball homebody nerds who love our beagle (the most ridiculously adorable dog EVER) to an embarrassing degree. We're planning a low-key and intimate yet festive and quirky outdoor wedding with DIY details and deeply personal touches, and it's all taking place in the city where we fell in love and call home: Philadelphia.
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