One is the Loneliest Number…

One is the Loneliest Number…

November 8th, 2010 @ 1:21 pm by Mrs. Earrings
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Or, it certainly seems that way when you and your SO are the one and only couple out of all your friends that is even in a long-term relationship, let alone getting married. Not that I am surprised that Mr E and I are in that position, considering the fact that we are pretty young and so are the majority of our friends, but, regardless, I haven’t been prepared for the downsides of being that one couple. For instance:

Your friends don’t always get it when you want to just spend a nice quiet evening at home with your SO instead of ditching him and partying it up in town with them.
They might also not get why you can’t blow your money on the aforementioned parties, or on anything for that matter, because you are saving for your wedding and/or a place to live after the wedding.
Some friends might be jealous of you being in a secure relationship, which can take its toll on your friendship with them.

Your expectations of your friends regarding the whole wedding thing can go unheeded, not for any malicious reasons, but simply because your friends are too young to have been involved in many weddings before and therefore just don’t know what is expected, even if they are part of your bridal party.
All of the above may result in you feeling very, very frustrated and like no one cares.

Ringing any bells for anyone? But, despite all the frustration the above downsides can bring, the situation is not without a silver lining. Since Mr E and I have become engaged, there have been times when we want to rip our hair out over the apparent lack of interest from our friends…but we have also learned a lot and come to realise some things:

I’ve learnt that by finding out what I really wish my friends were there to help me with for the wedding, I have found out what will be needed by my friends as brides in the future. If I had never missed it, then I would have never have fully appreciated what is helpful in the eyes of a bride-to-be.
We’ve learned to state our expectations more clearly. I hate asking people to do things for me or telling them I expect something..but sometimes that is just what needs to be done. Honestly, many people are dying to help in some way, but they don’t know what will help or if they will be just getting in the way. When I finally got the courage to ask a few of my friends to do something wedding-related, they were so excited. They were just waiting for me to give the go-ahead.
And we have also realised that we need to be sensitive to our friends’ feelings too and that it isn’t always a good idea to talk to our friends about us and our wedding 24/7 (no duh). It isn’t like we need to repress ourselves either, but by remembering why our friends are our friends, that they probably miss us a bit when we aren’t as available as we used to be, and that they have things going on in their lives too, our friends will probably still be our friends long after the wedding is over!

Anyone else feeling like the one very lonely engaged (or married!) couple amongst all your friends? Wave your hands so we all don’t feel so alone! How have you handled it, and what have you learned from it?

Tags: new-zealand, relationships |

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18 Responses to “One is the Loneliest Number…”

Member

R.Elliott (message) 1,011 posts, Bumble bee

I definitely feel like one of the only engaged couples in our circle of friends. My fiance’s friends from where he grew up however, he will be one of the last to get married!! We are 23 and 25.

11/8/10 @ 1:28 pm (reply)

Member

froggy518 (message) 268 posts, Helper bee

*wave*

We’re here for you, Earrings!

We need a support group. A cheap, casual support group. With lots of carbs.

11/8/10 @ 1:34 pm (reply)

Member

flamingred (message) 1,921 posts, Buzzing bee

I was one of the last friends to get engaged/married (I’m 33). I can tell you that when my friends started getting married at 24 years old, I had zero interest-even when I was a bridesmaid. Of course I showed up, bought a dress and gushed appropriately-but it was so far from where I was in life that I didn’t even know I was hurting their feelings by not being interested. Staying in on a Friday was absolutely not in my vocab in my early twenties and when my (one) engaged friend would tell me she and her FI were “staying in” I’m sure I looked at her with blank eyes like there was a big huge question mark over my head. (does not compute)

I’m just telling you this so that you know it isn’t just you and it isn’t just your friends. I think it’s kind of a normal thing that happens, and I commend you for being understanding. Everyone will be so excited on your wedding day -I know it!

11/8/10 @ 1:41 pm (reply)

Member

moderndaisy (message) 6,607 posts, Bee Keeper

I had a surprising amount of single friends and family during my engagement and all of them frustrated me, haha! But I totally agree with you that they obvioulsy have things going on in their lives too that deserve respect or else you will have one less friend when the wedding is over. I felt like I BARELY spoke about myw edding at all outside this site during my entire engagement. Even at my two showers, NO ONE asked me about the wedding! They were more like social events for the people who attended. Which is fine, obviously, but I did have to deal with that disappointment which wasn’t easy.

11/8/10 @ 1:52 pm (reply)

Bee

Mrs. Cloud (message) 802 posts, Busy bee

you could have taken this whole post right out of my head! A year later and we are still one of the only married couples in our groups of friends, its tough for sure, but you do learn who your true friends are when it comes to wedding planning!

11/8/10 @ 1:55 pm (reply)

Member

WhatAHoot (message) 23 posts, Newbee

I know exactly how you feel. It’s like you read my mind! I was just bumming about this last night. My FI and I are both 25, and the first of all our friends and family to get married. I’ve never been the first for anything (I’m a super shy youngest child), so I’ve had a really difficult time with it. And I feel the same way about my friends and bridesmaids. I sometimes feel like they could care less about my wedding, when I’m sure it’s just that they’re new to the wedding planning, too. Thanks for this post. It helps to know there are others out there like me.

11/8/10 @ 1:58 pm (reply)

Member

pixie5697 (message) 39 posts, Newbee

I am in the opposite boat, We are the only ones out of group of friends who are getting married and it seems like none of our single friends want to do anything with us now. We all chat in the same chat room, but it seems like any time I go in there every one hushes up. I try to join in the convo and I get ignored and when me and my FI attend parties we are the outsiders. This is very heart breaking for me, I was never one to have a ton of friends and since I had made a ton before FI and I got together and have been planning our wedding it seems to us that we are being treated as though we have the plague or something.

11/8/10 @ 2:17 pm (reply)

Bee

Miss Earrings (message) 2,477 posts, Buzzing bee

@froggy518: we totally do! if only everyone was in the same town….

11/8/10 @ 2:21 pm (reply)

Member

iRun2004 (message) 223 posts, Helper bee

YES!!! It makes me so sad. And wedding planning itself takes so much time and that’s time away from friends. I feel like my single girlfriends have all banded up and now I’m out of the club because I have to spend so much of my energy on wedding stuff.

11/8/10 @ 2:26 pm (reply)

10.

Bee

Mrs. Starfish (message) 1,924 posts, Buzzing bee

It can be tough, we are the first of our close friends (not inc. family) to get married, too.

11/8/10 @ 2:26 pm (reply)

11.

Member

hopeandpray (message) 250 posts, Helper bee

A little of the lack of involvement may be jealousy. You are sooo lucky to find the perfect guy young

11/8/10 @ 3:13 pm (reply)

12.

Guest

Kelsey @ Yellow is the Color

Yeah, I totally feel you here. I’m not engaged, but my partner and I have been together for over two years, and we are one of two long-term couples in my group of friends (the other has been together for 3.5 years). My partner and I are 22 and 21 years old, and the rest of my close friends (all 21 and 22 years old) are of the “let’s go out and get smashed and stay up all night and have meaningless sex and pretend to love people to get them in bed” types. They’re not bad people, they’re just…really into the party scene. When we get together over the holidays (they all live out of state) they are pretty judgmental when J and I don’t contribute to the tales of debauchery and one-night stands, or when we drink wine instead of badly-mixed drinks, or when we leave the party early to go home and have a little quiet time before bed, or whatever. We constantly see eye-rolls or side-eyed glances throughout the group when we’re there. And his former best friend, for the first year and a half of our relationship, continually to try to get him “laid” by hot chicks to make his sex life more interesting. (Needless to say, they don’t talk very much anymore.) It all really sucks.

11/8/10 @ 3:30 pm (reply)

13.

Member

AMFELTS (message) 60 posts, Worker bee

yes, I was just told the other day “you’ve become one of THOSE girls”. as in, the girl that leaves her friends to settle down with a guy. Well, not on purpose but yes I have, we have a lot to do, a lot to plan and I really want to be with HIM. When I do get together with my friends I dont talk much about the wedding plans because I dont want that to be the only thing I talk about, to not make them feel bad. Then they think Im leaving them out, danged if I do, danged if I dont

11/8/10 @ 3:38 pm (reply)

14.

Member

Mrs. Boom (message) 121 posts, Blushing bee

I am in a somewhat wierd situation because I am 20, like you, but my Fiancee is 28. So all of his friends are married (except 1 who is getting married next November), but NONE of my close friends are even in a serious relationship…NONE. I definately know where your coming from but I really think it’s awesome. My friends are dating and partying and having a blast but for what..??? A lot of stress over what to where out and a hangover? I would not trade the life I have chosen for anything. I have depth and meaning in my life that gives me so much more happiness and fullness then going out with even my best friend could give me. Luckily, I have amazing friends. Not one of them would ever pressure me to do something that would have a negative effect on my relationship. I understand, and have explained to them, that being faithful does not only mean not sleeping with someone else it means avoiding making your SO feel insecure about your relationship. If you go out and drink and even dance with another guy (especially grinding etc…) that would probably make your husband very uncomfortable. I don’t do those things because 1- I don’t enjoy it and 2-It is disrespectful to my future husband. I guess my advice to you is to be thankful for what you’ve found. Your friends are going to have to go through so many heartbreaks and frustrations before they find what you have, if they ever do. Make sure they know that you love to spend time with them but that you aren’t comfortable going out and partying like a single girl, because your not. Don’t feel bad for not going out with them because you SHOULD put your marriage first and be respectful to your husband. Good luck with everything and remember how much more depth and meaning being a wife is going to bring to your life.

11/8/10 @ 4:29 pm (reply)

15.

Member

naturalbeauty7997 (message) 29 posts, Newbee

***waving with BOTH hands****
We often find ourselves trying to scout couples to hang with…none of our friends on either side have a steady relationship. We are just usually hanging out together. I would love to have a married friend couple to do things with…I guess I watch too many sitcoms where couples share great relationships with each other….I so want that!

11/8/10 @ 7:10 pm (reply)

16.

Member

LemonPuppy (message) 50 posts, Worker bee

I completely understand but I am one of the last of my bridesmaids to get married. One will be married in 4 weeks, another the month before my wedding and the last has a baby on the way. I am super excited for all of them but sometimes it feels like ‘well what about me!’.

11/8/10 @ 7:21 pm (reply)

17.

Member

Affin (message) 17 posts, Newbee

I completely understand from 180 degrees away. We are the only couple left in our regular local social circle who isn’t married. I mean we go to the kids BBQs and the family NYE and we are the ONLY ones not married. It isn’t any more fun. Sticking out from the group isn’t fun no matter what side you are on.

11/8/10 @ 8:31 pm (reply)

18.

Member

commoshin (message) 180 posts, Blushing bee

Thanks for this post–it really echos what I feel! We got married when I was 21. I graduated college early but our wedding day was literally the week after all my friends graduated. It was frustrating to be the first for many reasons. It was really lonely and frustrating because all of my bridesmaids were still in school and they had never been in weddings before so it turned into them getting frustrated with me. At one point, my best friend irritatedly said, “NO ONE ASKED YOU TO GET MARRIED SO EARLY” and that really hurt.

It was also difficult because my husband had a hard time understanding my loneliness. He is 4 years older than I am. Many of his friends are married and where he comes from, getting married early is common whereas my set of friends all expected to get married in our 30s.

It’s still hard because like you, I don’t get to spend as much time with my friends as I’d like to and frankly, sometimes I don’t want to do the things that they want to do (i.e. party, spend money on frivolous things). My friends still sometimes say things unintentionally that hurt me and make me feel like a pariah but I guess that’s part of being the only one. I will be the only one for years to come so I’ve accepted it and I try to make room for my friends. But being married to my husband is the best thing ever and I would never trade it for anything!

11/8/10 @ 8:35 pm (reply)