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This was a really honest and heartfelt post and I know that a lot of other brides can relate to it. It wasn’t an easy one to write, but I love how well it captured my emotions on the whole matter.
~~~
It’s been a painful and frustrating couple of months in the Locket household, and with my parents separating and an ever-growing rift between my father and me, it has become quite clear that he no longer wishes to attend my wedding. I am very upset and conflicted about the whole situation and have found myself dealing with a slurry of emotions.
Since the separation, my father has decided (due to God’s will) it is not in the cards for him to be part of mine or my family’s lives anymore. And, that partaking in any events related to our lives would be going against his beliefs because in his eyes we are contaminants to his soul. He even went as far to tell me it was against God’s will for us to marry because God didn’t provide him with money to continue to help fund the wedding.
I don’t care so much about the money. What I do care about is that I will no longer have the option of having him walk me down the aisle or partaking in our father/daughter dance, and it saddens me. I know it seems I should be angered by the situation, but he is still my father; and up until a couple of months ago, I had always envisioned him walking me down the aisle and giving me away. Up until a couple of months ago he still felt like my father, but today he says the father I knew is dead and gone away.
He has found a new life (which he has been seeking since he was born) in which he can no longer be part of our worldly ways; a life that doesn’t condone how we run ours. I’d rather not get into all the details because any talk of religion or spiritual beliefs can stir up controversy, but what I will say is that God has other plans for Mr. L and me. Plans that support this union and plans that are making it happen despite my own father’s shortcomings. He may have tested us and set up roadblocks here and there, but in the end he has brought good people into our lives and given us hope that we can make this all happen.
So here I am…conflicted, confused, trying to make sense of all that is happening, and doing my best to keep dry eyes whenever I see photos of brides with their fathers.
Any other brides missing out on the traditional father roles in their weddings? What are you doing to adjust?
I am in the same boat as you. My bio father left us when we were very young…well I was about 6 or 7 and was MIA for a long time. He would appear and disappear. Long story short, he reappeared when I was 21…well I had a Stepfather who is I deem my father to be, but I lost him in 2005…now here I am about to marry and my father is deceased and my bio father is around but I have no relationship with him and really question if I want one…the dilemma, do I allow him to hold the honor of giving me away (which I feel he did alooooooong time ago) or do I allow my big brother to give me away….I vote my big brother, but my finace thinks that I’m mean for it….what is a bride to do!
For me I will not have a father daughter dance, regardless as to if I invite my bio father or not…but I have two girls who would love to dance with their father! This will be my alternative.
My father is not and will not be a part of my wedding. I’m torn between feeling like I’m missing out, and knowing that it was never meant to be. My dad walked out of our lives 10 years ago - he and I had brief communication in the immediate two years (I was a total Daddy’s Girl and would drive hours in my mom’s mini-van to go see him). He made it clear that he wasn’t interested in keeping the relationship alive, and it was really hard on me.
At this point in my life I think I am much farther removed than you are. I have no desire for my father to be at my wedding - it would be awkward and fake if he showed up now after not speaking to me for years. My fiance wants to do the traditional mother/son dance, so I don’t know what I’ll do at that point. I do get emotional when I see pictures of brides and their dads, but I think my emotion is different than yours. I’m excited to walking the aisle alone and dance the night away with my brothers.
I’m a fairly similar boat as well. I’m a young bride (20) and my parents divorced about 2 years ago. Though I never really thought of my father as a father, because he was a drunk, and very abusive. But now that I’m in the process of planning my wedding, I often wonder what it would be like if things were different, and I often make myself upset over all of it. I understand your situation is much different than mine, but maybe what I do to adjust will help. I constantly tell myself that everything happens for a reason, and that it really will work out. I’m not religious in any sense of the word, but I do believe the universe has a reason for everything.
I promise everything works out in the end.
You and your future husband’s day will be absolutely beautiful!
I say, if your relationship with him is so torn then find someone else who loves you dearly to walk you down the aisle and maybe do a dance with. My dad died 13 months before our wedding. We were quite estranged in the first place (very similar situation as yours in the sense that he wanted nothing to do with me). But, he passed and I had my little brother (he’s 27) walk me down the aisle. I passed up a father- daughter dance and the mother- son dance. DH and his mom dont have the closest relationship in the world and he didnt want one. This made it easy for me not to have one either. I knew if he did his dance with his Mom then I would have lost it or would of had to excuse myself for that part. Then I thought maybe to dance with my Grandpa but figured all of those emotions would come a flowin’ then too! I am so glad that my brother walked me though since my nerves didnt hit until we started the walk down the aisle, He calmed me down and if you have mroe than like 50 guests at the ceremony, then you have a lot of eyes looking at you and the walk sure is easier when you have someone you love and loves you back to hold on to until you make it to the front! You might think of an Uncle you are close to if you still want those moments but know that your Dad wont be there to partake. Best of luck and try not to focus on it. You will be surrounded by so much love that day that even though it is a big deal and you may look back later and wish he was there with you, you will be happiest to have the people who DO want to be there support you and your marriage and love!!
Im kind of in the same situation.
I am actually missing a mother. She passed away about 6 years ago. So instead of missing out on the father/daughter events I am missing out on the mother/daughter bonding.
She isnt their to see me try on wedding dresses, or help with the centerpieces. It feels like a piece of you is missing when a parent is missing but you just have to keep smiling.
To remember my mom, and the people that have passed in my fiancees life, we are going with a heavenly theme. Doves angels, all shades of blue, white and silver.
ah, reading this again breaks my heart a bit all over. i hope that you and your father soon reach a place that is comfortable for you both in terms of your relationship–even though i am sorry it is far from ideal.
Reading this again just makes me want to hug you. I’m so sorry Locket, this has to be tough for you. I can’t imagine what you’re going through… 
@queen2be: If you feel your bio father doesn’t deserve the honor I would recommend having your brother walk you. It will be more meaningful to you both. Good luck with this.
@littlenikki: I can def understand what you mean about feeling torn..I know I was very torn and conflicted about the whole thing.
@Amy: Hugs to you! I can’t imagine not having my mother there for me through this all. I like that you are choosing to remember your mom with your heavenly theme. I am sure she will be looking down with a smile.
[...] you were reminded of the things that make me cry in the “Best of the ‘Bee” series. Well, it reminded me that perhaps I should clue you [...]
[...] you were reminded of the things that make me cry in the Best of the ‘Bee series, well, it reminded me that perhaps I should clue you in on the [...]
My father has advanced dementia and won’t be attending. I’ve decided to walk down the aisle solo, but will have a locket with a picture of my dad and I attached to the bouquet.
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Mrs. Locket, Ithaca, NY Age and Occupation: 25, Research Technician Fiance's Age and Occupation: 28, former Banker hoping to become an Officer of the Law Engagement Date: June 15, 2009 Wedding Date: September 2010 Venue: Heron Hill Winery About Me: I am a little bit of everything all rolled into one: A girly gal with rough edges---I love to get dolled up just as much as I enjoy throwing on some sneaks to toss a ball with Mr. Locket. My love for crafting and creating is quite apparent and I've been referred to as a Wonder Woman/Martha Stewart/Stepford Wife hybrid (yup, I'll take that as a compliment). I adore sewing, photography, sculpture, good eats (mmm tapas), baking, snugging and oh, pretty much everything in between (there's not much I dislike). I am super excited to be planning our vineyard wedding and couldn't be happier to be marrying Mr. Locket. We are a quirky, fun-loving couple residing in our college town with our two pups Maple and Molly. We love to go on hikes, visit our local dog park and to bask in the beauty of many of the local falls and gorges. We are an indecisive pair, but together we somehow manage to make up our minds (it's the easy stuff that's tricky).
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