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One lesson I have learned lately: You are not going to please everyone with your wedding choices. I’m sorry to burst the bubble, but I have to get that out there.
Your cousin might think your wedding ceremony is too traditional. Your grandmother might think it isn’t traditional enough.
You mother thinks it is past time for you to get married, while Crissy, your friend from grad school, is horrified you are getting married at all.
The music won’t be to everyone’s taste, and at least one person will be allergic to a food, flower or a perfume.
And don’t get me started on opinions regarding the decor.
Some will say you are cheap, some will say you aren’t cheap enough. Some will think the guest count is too high, and some will wonder why you can’t invite that nice neighbor who baked cookies for you when you were five.
Your wedding might be “tacky” in one person’s eyes, and “lavish” in another’s. Your wedding dress won’t be someone else’s style, your sister might loathe the flowers.
You wedding might be too simple, too complex, too wild, too plain…in someone else’s eyes it could be anything.
Don’t get me wrong, it is good to be considerate of other people’s wants/opinions/feelings. But being considerate is a different kettle of fish from being a people pleaser. And if you do try to please everyone, then you run the risk of pleasing no one at all, including you and your (future) spouse. You might start thinking that the wedding belongs to everybody but yourselves, part of the fun of planning may be lost, and you could get very, very tired.
So you know what? Really, truly, you are not going to please everyone, and you shouldn’t try. These people will get over it if they don’t completely love something at your wedding, but if you exhaust yourself with trying to be “nice” and please every single person, then you might end up not truly pleasing anyone at all in the end. So accept your limits, get over the false guilt, take a breath and make some choices without the people-pleasing goblins hanging over your head. Trust me, you’ll feel much better. 
Now I’m off to take a dose of my own medicine and tackle some of those choices!
Have you become vulnerable to the trap of people-pleasing while planning your wedding?
I think everyone goes through a spell of people-pleaseing where weddings are concerned. The trick is to snap out of it before you end up hating everything you’ve put together.
My rule of thumb: if a decision I’m making will impact someone else’s physical comfort or general emotional well being, I’ll take that into account. Otherwise? Meh. No one’s going to die because the groom wore a suit instead of a tux.
I’m happy to people please when it comes to things like food and accommodations, because those directly impact the guests. Otherwise, I just don’t tell anyone except my immediate family what we’re planning and no one can get offended until the wedding, when I won’t care what people say. 
This post is going to hit home for so many brides! How very nice of you to point ALL of this out. I think most uf us, wether we realize it or not, are going through something like this. Maybe we’re trying to please everybody or maybe we’re mad at everybody for criticizing our decisions, but either way we definitely have to just stop thinking about it. I have been very sad over the fact that I simply can’t please my MIL even though I would really love to. Well, so much for that!
I just got through the “I-hope-everybody-loves-our-wedding” phase. I was actually losing sleep over silly questions like “what if people hate our venue?”, “what if they don’t like our food?” “what if no one dances?” At one point I started second guessing our food choice (bbq) because a friend of mine responded with a disgusted face and a “you’re having bbq at your wedding?” comment. I finally woke up one day and realized the only person I can make happy on my wedding day is me. If people think our decor is tacky, our wedding is non-traditional and the food isn’t to their liking then so be it. I am going to have an amazing time and if they want to join me then they can.
Awesome post!
Yes, I’ve figured out through my planning that while I am generally a people pleaser that I also have learned a lot about how I am with wedding planning! Sheesh! Thanks for pointing out all that you did in your post!
@Danistrat1229: I ultimately would have to say I agree w. your comment - “I am going to have an amazing time and if they want to join me then they can” 
Great post! I have been struggling with this myself. I like how you differentiated between being considerate and people pleasing - I think some of my family is confusing my being considerate (especially about my grandparents’ mobility limitations, and taking minor steps to avoid family drama) with people pleasing, and that alone is driving me nuts!
Uggh so true. It’s stressful taking so many people into consideration! I hope I’m able to keep my head on straight as the big day approaches. Thanks for posting!
thanks for posting this miss earrings! couldn’t have come at a better time. we’re going through the “why didn’t you invite your great aunt what’s-her-face from california?” phase. umm, because i haven’t seen or talked to her in 10 years grandma! family is starting to get upset over the guest list. ruh roh. we had one crisis averted last week though. my fil’s were getting all crazy about the favors, and i was thisclose to caving and giving them the “do-whatever-you-want!-i-don’t-care-anymore!” line. until mr.v’s oh so wonderful cousins stepped in and said “don’t worry about a thing. we’ll buy all the materials and assemble them for you. we think it’s a lovely idea.” omg, omg, omg, thank you oh so awesome (recent bride) cousin and your equally awesome sister (recent moh x2). 
I agree with @Minutiae. Generally stuff that directly affect guests I try to take some of their concerns into account (e.g. the folks that have nut allergies) for as many people as possible. Even if isn’t what I’d personally like to do.
But taste is all relative, and things about ceremony style, colors, guest count etc are all about personal style and taste. In regards to the rest, I agree with all that there is a happy middle ground between caving in to everyone, and the opposite extreme response of ignoring any viewpoint other than your own.
As for budget cheap/expensive stuff, my dad’s response to that is “quit counting my money”
So true.
I stuck to my guns and offended some people, but I’m wondering, why the heck should they be offended??? It’s not their wedding.
Great post, as a people pleaser, (trying to reform,) I relate 100%.
Thank you for your post. It was exactly what I needed to hear
With every other aspect of my life I am a people pleaser, but I put my foot down with the wedding. I knew there was no way to make everyone happy, so I just did as I pleased.
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o man i totally know this post. my problem is that i’m getting really tired of people doubting my ideas, but so far every one of my ideas that i’ve then created an example of people have thought looked awesome. it’s very tiring. just believe me already!
[...] I start thinking too much like that I just have to slap myself out of it. It’s unhealthy, because once again I’m basing my choices on what others might think, instead of what Mr E and I really want. We’re [...]
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Mrs. Earrings, Fresno, CA/ Nelson, New Zealand Age and Occupation: 20, Student, Wannabe Writer Fiance's Age and Occupation: 19, Photography Student Engagement Date: February 14, 2010 Wedding Date: January 2011 Venue: Gardens of the World About Me: I'm a girl from down under who grew up in Indonesia and I'm marrying a California boy. I'm addicted to all things sweet, have never met a chocolate silk pie than can get the better of me, and have dreams of one day being a fulltime novelist. I go weak in the knees for lace, tea cups, and a beautifully crafted sentence. When I get excited about something (whether it is historical linguistics or the Beatles) I tend to go overboard in research, and planning this wedding is no different. Mr. Earrings is my high school sweetheart, my best friend, and somehow we combine all our quirks into one big happy mess.
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