Weddingbee Blog

Hi hive,

Remember me, Mrs. Locket? I used to blog here every other day but have been mostly MIA (a.k.a. giving you really drawn-out recaps) for the past couple few weeks. The reason? Well, I’ve sort of been in hiding.

Source

To be honest, I’m going through the post-wedding blues. Yes, my wedding went off without any problems, and yes it was absolutely wonderful and I was completely happy throughout the day, but now looking back something (a big something) was amiss.

**Warning: Long post ahead with a hint of pity party.**

Recently, you were reminded of the things that make me cry in the “Best of the ‘Bee” series. Well, it reminded me that perhaps I should clue you in on the outcome. You may have noticed in Part I of my ceremony recaps that Momma Locket upheld the honor of walking me down the aisle and that Father Locket was not there.

Well, here is where my heart pains come into play. I may have mentioned in passing that a couple of weeks before the wedding my father contacted me via e-mail letting me know that he now wished to walk me down the aisle. As you can imagine, I felt such a flurry of emotions. Amidst all the last-minute wedding plans, I was dealt a tough card. How could he suddenly and so easily change his mind and assume that it would make everything better? Didn’t he know all the pain and tears his actions had caused me? Though it was a tough decision to make, I made the decision that he not come to our wedding and wrote him the following reply expressing my feelings and reasoning behind it.

Dad and Peter,

I am sorry I’ve taken so long to get back in touch with you regarding your messages and requests. I have been very busy in these last days before the wedding putting everything together and trying to figure out ways to pay everyone. I want you to know that I have no ill will toward you, but at this time think it best for you (Dad) not to attend our wedding. When you told me you did not wish to have any part of that day I was completely and utterly heartbroken. It has always been my dream to have my father walk me down the aisle on my wedding day, and to hear that you did not wish to be there was devastating. I spent many nights crying and still get teary eyed when I see photos of brides and their fathers walking them down the aisle and sharing a father-daughter dance. I know that you think that you can mend your broken ways with a change of heart, but at this point you cannot. Unfortunately, your actions and history of actions has led me to believe that I cannot trust you. I cannot set myself up for letdown. I want my wedding day to be happy, full of love, full of support, and shared with people who truly wish to be a part of my life.

I want you to know that a part of me does still wish for you to attend because you are my father, and at one point in our lives I was your little girl. Your little girl who was always so desperate for your attention and love. I am sorry that I have grown into a woman with whom you believe you share no bond, but I am proud of who I’ve become and know that I will be OK. I wish there was a way to keep peace among all so that you could come without creating any upset; but, as you know this is not possible. You’ve always been unpredictable and we never know how you will react in a certain situation, and I don’t wish to be full of anxiety and worry on a day that should be happy. I know that you say that the old father I knew is dead and gone, but what I don’t understand is that if he were truly gone why you would go through such lengths to cause me pain. Why would you put me in a situation where I could not rely on you? Why would you tell me that God doesn’t approve of my marriage when despite the many roadblocks he has provided us with the means to make it work? What I do know is that Craig is going to make a wonderful husband and one day a loving and supportive father. We’ve both learned through our experiences what it means to be a good parent. A child should be loved unconditionally and without question; failing to do so will only leave you and the child in misery. We can only hope to one day provide love and kindness to our own and be the best parents that we can.

I wish you the best and send my eternal love to you both. I understand that Peter does not wish to attend without you and I am sad to hear this. I know that it must be a very difficult decision to make, but it is his own and he must live with it. I do wish he could find it in his heart to attend, but I understand if he does not feel comfortable. If he won’t make it I want him to know that he will be missed and will be in our thoughts. I hope you can understand my feelings on this matter and know that despite them I wish things could have turned out differently.

Take Care

Love,

Sarah

You may be wondering why I’ve decided to share something so personal with you all, and honestly I am wondering myself. The truth is that I need closure. I need to get these thoughts of “what if” out of my head and know that sharing my frustrations is the first step. I also feel that it is important to share because I am sure other brides are going through or have gone through something similar.

Here I am today standing by my decision but wondering what could have been. What if I had given him a second (technically a bazillionth) chance and had him walk me down the aisle? Would my wedding have been any better? Would I stop looking back and feeling like I was missing something? Or could things have gone completely awry? I’ve read Mrs. Sock’s posts on how her wedding didn’t go as planned. And I recently attended a wedding where the bride’s mother had a public outburst, and it has me feel that yes, I made the right choice. Unfortunately, that doesn’t necessarily make accepting it any easier.

While writing my recaps, I am constantly reminded that my dad and brother were not there. When I go through the group formal shots with the family, I get a little teary eyed. I am sad that they weren’t a part of a day that was so happy and precious to me, and I will have a hard time getting past it. I hate to complain because we did have an amazingly wonderful wedding filled with love and joy, and it doesn’t seem fair to think about it when so many others are not as fortunate.

In the end, it’s a matter of reassuring myself that I made the right choice. And my father’s actions (or lack thereof) are reaffirming my stance. Post-wedding I had written him (again) to let him know that I wished he could have been part of our day and sent him the link to our wedding album so he could feel that he still was. To this date I haven’t received any response. In fact, I haven’t heard from him since I sent the first letter. It reaffirms my belief that he is unreliable and stubborn and will not change. I need to move on and get rid of the “what if” mentality, and I know that with time it won’t hurt as much. Until then, I’m going to do my best to focus on the good and get back to recaps of a wedding that was in fact a happy one.