The Line Between “Wedding” and “Family Reunion”

The Line Between “Wedding” and “Family Reunion”

November 21st, 2010 @ 3:25 pm by Mrs. Prairie Dog
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Some time in high school, my family and I were talking about a huge wedding we had recently attended. I expressed my interest in having a small wedding someday. My dad commented that it would never happen, seeing as I have a sizable immediate family (Nearly 30 first cousins alone and yes, I know every single one).

“Fine then.” I scowled. “I’m going to elope someday.”

“Don’t you dare,” he said, shooting me A Look. “Your wedding isn’t just about you.”

I looked at him as though he had morphed into Satan himself, right before my eyes. “Oh really? Then what is it about?”

“Family.”

“I’m pretty sure it’s about the couple committing themselves to marriage.”

“It is. It is also about family.”

I was offended, I guess, that my father planned to use my hypothetical, future wedding as a family reunion.

I didn’t want my day of lifelong commitment to be used as an excuse for a vacation of sorts. I wanted people to come because they wanted to see me get married, not because they wanted to see each other. These days, I can’t believe that I ever thought the two were mutually exclusive.

What happened since then?

I went to college, got homesick and learned to appreciate my family more. My cousins grew up, closing the age gaps between us, and I began to find how much I like them as people, not just as cousins. I grew up enough that I could talk to the adults in my family like adults, and I find more and more in common with them; I was just too self-centered to realize it as a teenager. Then my cousins started getting married, and I was thrilled to have a reason to travel to see them, to spend time with them. I couldn’t believe how much fun our extended family had at the weddings. Blurry evidence:

The Line Between Wedding and Family Reunion : wedding cincinnati family Cousins cousins

I’m not going to sit here and tell you I’m BFF with every single one of my relations and that we never have drama. Of course we do. We’re family. I choose to trust them to leave drama and old wounds at the reception hall door. I need them all there. They’re my blood, and I love them…but I also like them.

In other words: I’m thrilled to be using my own wedding as an excuse for a family reunion.

The reason I’m telling you this is because I know an impending wedding puts family life in the spotlight. It is a time that can reignite long-charred bridges. But…it can also be a time to start rebuilding. If you have an extra seat or two, maybe consider inviting an aunt and uncle you haven’t seen in years. Only you can know what makes sense for your family dynamic, and I hope each and every one of you finds something that works.

Being friends with my family is one of the great joys of my life. What about you?

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17 Responses to “The Line Between “Wedding” and “Family Reunion””

Member

CantWaittillMAY (message) 768 posts, Busy bee

I just got off the phone with my Uncle who lives in a different state. He has three kids, all older than me, two of which I have never met. They are all coming down for the wedding! I am so excited to meet my family and have them at my wedding. Bring on the reunion!!!

11/21/10 @ 3:48 pm (reply)

Member

moderndaisy (message) 6,703 posts, Bee Keeper

You are preaching to the choir here! I went through the same struggle that you did and came to the same conclusion. Our families are what shaped us into who we are now, the people committing our lives to each other. So who better to honor than them?

11/21/10 @ 4:03 pm (reply)

Member

that girl (message) 71 posts, Worker bee

Definitely feel the same being the oldest of 20 cousins on one side, there will be alot of family members in attendance at my wedding. I don’t think it would be the same with out them.

11/21/10 @ 4:09 pm (reply)

Guest

nmsoonerbride

What a great post! I’m totally with your dad on this…in my mind the whole shebang is MUCH more about family than about FI and me. I love that I will be able to throw a big party to bring everyone together.
It’s nice to see other brides on here who feel the same!

11/21/10 @ 4:31 pm (reply)

Bee

Mrs. Dolphin (message) 503 posts, Busy bee

We ran into some trouble with the ‘family reunion’ take, on our wedding. I loved having all my family there (because I’m a big family person), but we had to exclude some of my more distant family because there just simply wasn’t enough room at our venue (we thought 150person venue would be large enough).

Anyways, one of my family members invited a distant cousin to our wedding because they thought it would be a great chance to see this distant cousin’s new twins. Only, this distant cousin hadn’t made the cut. So we have to tip toe lightly and tell her that we were sorry but we couldn’t invite everyone, there wasn’t enough room. Still kind of an awkward situation, but there wasn’t much we could do!

11/21/10 @ 4:47 pm (reply)

Member

dance (message) 1,607 posts, Bumble bee

This is exactly what I am dealing with. We are having a 150ish person wedding. That is bare minimum immediate family and close friends. I don’t have a huge extended family (my Fi is like you with over 30 first cousins!), but my family has become our close family friends, so of course, they get invited. I am all about family so all these people are important to me and need to be there when I get married.

My grandma made a comment a few weeks ago…that brought both heartbreak and rage to the forefront of my emotions. She said that since no one in her extended family was invited that she doesn’t even know why she would come. To my wedding. One of only TWO grandchildren she has. Yeah…that hurt. A LOT. In fact, right after she said this, I left my parents house. I couldn’t yell or cry at her. That’s just unfair to her because she doesn’t understand how much it costs for each person we are inviting. It will be over $100 per person.

I just thought that it was unfair that I was supposed to invite all her extended family - people I have maybe seen a handful of times in my life - so that she would feel like my wedding was worth attending. My wedding isn’t until July 2011, but I will not be inviting her extended family. We will probably let her bring a friend though so she doesn’t feel lonely or left out. It’s just you have to cut off the list somewhere!

So thank you for letting me vent/talk about this (and hijack your comments for a moment!). Family is important, but at the same time, you have to find the balance between inviting everyone you are related to and inviting the people who are in your life at this time who are also important to you. It’s tricky for sure.

11/21/10 @ 5:00 pm (reply)

Member

eileen marie (message) 1,662 posts, Bumble bee

Try this one out for size: My in-laws threw a REAL family reunion…the day after our WEDDING. Yeah, no biggie, except well, we had a bunch of distant relatives we never met at our wedding. Yay.

11/21/10 @ 5:05 pm (reply)

Guest

periwinkle

I did attend a nephew’s wedding last night, and the best part of the day, right after seeing them happily married, was talking to all my nieces and nephews and catching up!

11/21/10 @ 6:59 pm (reply)

Bee

Mrs. Glasses (message) 2,741 posts, Sugar bee

I wanted to have lots of family at our wedding but it just wasn’t in the cards - I am thankful and appreciate the family that DID come, though!

11/21/10 @ 7:39 pm (reply)

10.

Member

jedeve (message) 1,068 posts, Bumble bee

I had problems with this because we just couldn’t afford to feed everyone and their (well my) cousin. I thought when we were getting into 2nd cousins, that was far enough.

But almost all of my aunts, uncles, great aunts and great uncles, and first cousins were there. Marriage is the union of a family, so its a great time for the reunion of family.

At my cousin’s wedding last week, my dad I were talking about how weddings are way more fun when you aren’t in them because that’s when you actually get to see and talk to people. I’m glad I got to see everyone at her wedding since I didn’t at mine!

11/21/10 @ 7:39 pm (reply)

11.

Member

mrspaetz (message) 3,805 posts, Honey bee

Total opposite here. We went with an intimate wedding of 40 and loved it

11/21/10 @ 9:54 pm (reply)

12.

Member

weidjm21 (message) 25 posts, Newbee

I also have a huge family, greatly increasing the size and cost of our wedding. But looking back, it was worth every penny to share that day with the family. Couldn’t imagine it any other way!

11/21/10 @ 10:00 pm (reply)

13.

Member

Missbliss (message) 799 posts, Busy bee

I attended the wedding of a sweet cousin over the summer who I hadn’t seen in years… It was a fabulous experience, and while I would have totally understood if I had not been invited… I truly am so very glad that I was included! There were about 50 family members included on my side of the family… which basically included the bride’s father’s side of the family… aunts, uncles, and cousins… and that didn’t include everyone. The bride’s grandparents hosted a reunion of sorts on the morning of the wedding, and her parents hosted a Sunday barbeque reunion the next day. It was a delightful experience, and really made me think about how I want to include my family…and what that actually means is possibly excluding friends…not because I don’t love them… but because my wedding is an opportunity for all my family to be together with me for a celebration of joy! This would be a highly unusual occasion in my life. My family lives hundreds of miles apart and we love having the opportunity to get together. The unusual fact of this is that I’m an only child, but my family is really rather large and we are probably unique in that I have a fairly close relationship with my first and second and third cousins…and their children. On one side of my family I have lost to multiple cousins because of several tragic accidents and that has made me very aware of the possibility that this might be the only chance i have to have my family all together at one time. At this summer’s wedding, I brought a copy of my great grandparent’s wedding photos. They married 100 years before, and it struck me at how profound it was to celebrate a new family with those who are already your family. The fifty family members were all linked by the fact that over 100 years earlier two people fell in love and were married!

11/21/10 @ 11:45 pm (reply)

14.

Member

Violet Violet (message) 985 posts, Busy bee

Great post–I have a huge family, and I can’t wait to share the day with them!

11/22/10 @ 9:23 am (reply)

15.

Member

Megrit (message) 478 posts, Helper bee

Glad you came around and saw that you could just have a big party with your family! Enjoy your wedding/reunion!

11/22/10 @ 4:15 pm (reply)

16.

Member

jordynrose (message) 6,351 posts, Bee Keeper

Our wedding was a family reunion of sorts for my family, and I am very happy it was. It definitely beats the alternative gathering event, which for us is usually funerals.

11/22/10 @ 11:17 pm (reply)

17.