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“Why get married? To celebrate your relationship, to solidify your commitment, to declare your love for one another to the world.” - Monica Geller
These are all meaningful reasons to marry, ones that are true for us. But the celebration of our marriage is also serving a greater purpose and a very personal one.
This time last year, my family experienced a tragedy which is still difficult for me to talk about. Before then, I did not fully understand the horror of using the descriptor “unexpected” in terms of loss. I will not go into what happened, but suffice to say that the memory of that phone call will always sting my soul like antiseptic on a fresh wound.
In that numbing moment of realization, it felt like the universe clubbed my family from behind and we, as a unit, fell to our knees.
Things were a blur for a while, as we each writhed in what felt like surreality. I won’t speak for the rest of my family, but it took me a while to begin to pick myself up. There are still moments when I feel my legs weakening beneath me, when I need to step away for a moment and let myself shed a few tears. Grief, as I’m sure many of you know, is a leaky faucet.
When I called to share the news of our engagement, half of my family members didn’t even answer with “Hello.” They answered with, “Is everything okay?”
We were all paranoid that each phone call was another life-changer. My phone call was indeed, but this time, life was changing for the better. Our engagement has been a blessing for my family in ways that I am thankful for every day. We were all allowed to be happy, look forward, celebrate newness, while weathering loss. “We need this,” my grandma said about the excitement surrounding our engagement and plans. “We wanted it, but now we need it, too.”
Exactly one year later, we are up and running, even if it is with an undeniable limp. We are a family wounded but healing, and the promise of our upcoming wedding is, I believe, a piece of the process for us.
My sweet husband-to-be cannot replace what we lost—that is no secret. But having him as an official member of our clan helps us usher in a new era, in which we are all changed, but still together. We are closer, and I am more grateful than ever. Despite the pain of loss, life is still so sweet and blessings abound.
I never thought I’d write something that began with a Friends quote and ended with Desiderata, but here it is:With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. This simple belief is what I am most thankful for this year.
Have you experienced loss in the face of wedding planning/engagement?
Whatever your loss was, I feel sympathy for what you and your family have gone through. It can be very hard to experience such sorrow through times that should be (and oftentimes are) filled with happiness. I experienced something similar when I was falling in love at the same time that my dad died. On top of that, my now partner’s dad died in the same time frame. Whatever your loss was, don’t feel guilty for celbrating your love–allow it to be a celebration of your family and the committment you all share! You have a community here!
I am so sorry to read of your loss. I’m glad your family now has a bright spot to look forward to with your wedding!
Early last month (while at the wedding of a friend) my grandma suffered a massive heart attack, and was airlifted two hours to a different hospital. She spent three weeks in ICU in critical condition, and wedding planning sort of stopped. I couldn’t imagine going forward and having such a special day, without her being part of it.
She told me that no matter what, I was going to have a beautiful wedding, and she wanted me to do everything I could to enjoy it, for her.
She ended up pulling through, and will be attending our wedding in 6 weeks (eek!)
Sending you lots of happy thoughts - my cousin was killed a few years ago, and the birth of a new baby soon after is what saved us all.
Miss Prairie Dog,
First, I never have commented on any posts, ever. I had to respond to this one though, because our situations sound very much alike and your post really spoke to me. My then-boyfriend was planning to propose to me at the beginning of October 2009. Literally days before, my 5-month old brother passed away suddenly in his sleep. My now-husband got the call that the ring was ready to be picked up at the funeral.
I don’t know exactly how you feel - but I remember well the difficulty of planning and dealing with crippling grief.
In some ways, it gets better. In other ways, the pain stays raw - and crops up over the littlest things.
Best of luck to you, girl. Walking the roads of wedding planning and grieving together is a giant job.
Take care of yourself — anniversaries of loss are really difficult, and they’re even tougher when they occur over the holidays. My FH’s younger brother was killed 4 years ago, and it’s still something I have trouble talking about. We all continue to struggle and deal with the grief, but each day brings healing.
Lots of love for you and your family!
Thank you for sharing this. My family, too, is going through an unspeakable tragedy, and I am so grateful to have Mr. HC by my side during all of this. Please know that we are here for you whatever you may need. xo
I understand. Something so terrible makes weddings seem so irrelevant, yet relevant at the same time. Figuring out the little details of a wedding can feel so trivial, but then, at other times, losing oneself in them is such a welcome diversion. It’s confusing and every hour of every day feels different.
Also, I love that particular quote (the whole poem is quotable). I have it on the wall next to my desk.
I’m sorry for your familys loss. I feel a sense of guilt even celebrating my engagement. My FH and I got engaged this past summer. A month before, his cousin at a mere 30 years old randomly died. There was a dark cloud over his entire family, and it seemed that they would never smile again.
My FH and his uncle mowed a pathway in a field for his proposal..and weeks after our engagement, his Uncle who was in his early 50’s, died in his sleep. I think its times like these that your family will really appreciate a get together. Think of your wedding as a time for your family to heal and appreciate the time you have together. You might even consider the name of the person who passed during your reception. (I’m assuming someone passed.) We plan on mentioning my FH’s cousin and Uncle during the reception out of respect and having our priest say a prayer for them.
It will get better. Good luck with everything.
[...] On Grieving and Thankfulness (weddingbee.com) [...]
I can relate. My grammy passed away July 18th, and my FH proposed September 28th. The engagement has kept my mind off being sad. Occassionally I steal a cry here and there because the one thing she wanted was to see me get married and she never got that chance. She didn’t even get the chance to meet my FH. Its never easy but it becomes easier as the time passes. As hard as it is to do, celebrate their life because they wouldn’t want you to live in sadness.
I know this feeling of loss all too well. Weddingbee has helped me with planning my wedding immensely. Just when you think you have everything in order…just when you are ready for one of the best days of your life…it hits you like a freight train. I got a phone call that morning that I would never wish upon anyone. My little brother (I’m 24 he was 20) committed suicide the morning of my wedding. It was devistating. It still is. Everything that we had planned, everything that we had done for our day, meant nothing at that point. I didnt think that we should have the wedding that day. I thought that I should have been on the next plane out of there. My mom, dad, little sister and other brother were all with me. They said the wedding should still go on. He was in Canada so there was absolutely nothing that any of us could do. The wedding still went on, and I tried my best to seem okay to everyone that had come to celebrate what was supposed to be a joyous day. We went on our honeymoon, and I found out that his funeral was held without me. (I think that is what kills me the most right now) I have not yet had time to mourn. The wound is still very fresh (we just got married on Nov 6)..and I know it will take alot of time to heal. I am extremely thankful for my husband and family being there for me, and just having them in my life. I dont know what I would have done without them. They are my backbone, and they will be the ones to help me get through this, just like I will be the one to help them as well.
My parents’ marriage went down the tubes 3 years ago, and their long and bitter divorce is still not final. At the same time, my sister got married and then I got married.
It’s been bittersweet. My mom was just telling me last night that she wishes she could have been there emotionally for my sister, but she could hardly keep herself together. My mom moved out of the house 3 weeks before my sister’s wedding.
I did not have an excited mom, but instead, a mother who was skeptical that any man would steal freedom from her daughters. I had the mom that had cheated on my dad and then gave me an engagement present - a book called “101 things I wish I knew before I got married”.
My parents also gave my sister $$ for the wedding, but when they filed for divorce, my dad froze the accounts and the $5,000 check they were counting on to help with the wedding could not be cashed. Then the market crashed and my parent’s didn’t want to take their money out of their investments. My parents have promised to give me the same amount of money, but they’ve spent 5 times that in lawyers fees and could not afford to help out.
This was not a family death in the literal sense, but it has been as tragic. I had to worry about my parents just being nice to each other for one day. It’s so ugly right now… I hardly recognize who these people are.
@ Ms Am.
No words. I can’t express how sorry i am for you. I would probably have felt the same as you–not wanting to even have the wedding. Such a day of conflicting emotion–a day that is supposed to be the first day of the rest of your life, turned into a day of tragedy. I’m sure you felt helpless and angry. I’m very sorry that the funeral was held without you. You need an outlet for your frustration and anger and sadness and I’m sorry you have not had that opportunity.
My brother passed away this past September unexpectantly and I totally understood what you meant by the random waves of weakness and tears. Althought I am not engaged yet, I can’t help but to think about how this event will color all things I do from that day forward. My brother was only 24 and it’s hard for me to picture even getting married, having kids, having grandkids, and living to the age of 100, when his life was cut short so early. I hope that this feeling will change as more time passes but I know on some level it won’t.
This will probably be the first and only post I ever comment on, but I had to. I’ve been dealing with the same thing. My little brother passed away from cancer after being sick less than a year, and my fiance popped the question just over a year later. While my fiance and I had begun planning for this eventual change in our lives, I realized the rest of my family hadn’t. The engagement was both a realization that we’d all kind of been hiding, so heartbroken and crushed, for the last year, that no one had really noticed the steps my boy and I hadn’t taken for ourselves in the interim. I found a lot of comfort in him after that time, and we semi-moved in (my parents live 20 minutes from him). When he went to ask my dad’s blessing (it was very cute, unnecessary, but cute) my dad’s reaction was the simple, part hearbreaking, part hopeful, “ah, something happy. something to look forward to.”
when i called my relatives after the question, I was met with that very same “oh no, its late, whats wrong? are you ok?”
much will never be the same. and while it is heartbreaking going through this time without my brother, I’m trying to look forward, and look at this as a bit of a new chapter, a new book, one that’s mine to write.
While there are a lot of concerns about my brother and the wedding (I had always envisioned him as my man of honor, and my fiance’s mom wants to dance with my boy to the same song my mom wanted to dance with my brother to. sigh) i am hopeful that we can find a way to remember my brother in a not too sad way, on that very happy day.
thanks for this post, Miss PD, because it’s been hard to navigate the issues of loss and celebration alone. Thank you for getting it.
i wish you and your family all the very best.
I’m so sorry for your familiy’s loss and I’m glad that your wedding will be able to be part of the healing process.
Beautifully written, Prairie Dog. Planning a wedding taught me how important weddings (and celebrations in general) are. It sounds like yours is a true gift and blessing to your family. My prayers will be with you through the holiday season!
Oh, PD, my heart truly goes out to you. I don’t know if you’ve read my past posts, but Mr. Octo’s mom died very suddenly and unexpectedly earlier this year, and thinking back on the moment he got that phone call still makes my skin crawl. You are absolutely right that the trauma and horror of a shocking loss is something that, unfortunately, you can’t truly comprehend until it happens. We both still hold our breath if a family member calls at an odd hour, or multiple times in a row, or anything out of the ordinary like that.
I’m so sorry you and your family had to go through that. I hope you’re doing better.
Oh, PD! Thank you for sharing!! Our engagement followed similar news and the response was overwhelmingly “we need this. no more funerals, we need a party.” I can’t begin to imagine what you went through (and still are going through), but know that it appreciated and bridges the gap between bees.
Oh, PD, I am so sorry for what you had to go through. Loss is never ever easy, but I believe in what your grandma said too. Sometimes looking toward the positive events in the future can be a very good way to make it through all the not so good stuff.
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Mrs. Prairie Dog, Cincinnati Age and Occupation: 24, Program Coordinator Fiance's Age and Occupation: 25, PhD/Biomedical Engineer Engagement Date: December 18, 2009 Wedding Date: May 2011 Venue: Glendale Lyceum About Me: I'm a pilgrim soul of a girl with a house full of books and a coffee addiction that could slay Juan Valdez. My life is a whirl of grammar correction, good music, glue-gunning, and two pets named Hazel and Winston Churchill. I'm marrying my high school boyfriend in a formal-ish spring affair, roughly themed: "Elizabeth Bennet crashes a party co-hosted by Jay Gatsby and Cath Kidston, and loves it."
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