Weddingbee Blog

I think this one is my favorite because I feel like it was my most important contribution to the hive out of my posts:

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With less than three weeks until the wedding, the stress of everything is really starting to wear on me.

I really don’t have that much wedding-related stuff to do (at least, stuff that’s very important), but I do have to move out of my apartment by June 30 — which includes slapping a layer of paint on the walls because the roomie and I decided to get creative with color about a year ago.

On top of that, I really want to have everything done by next Friday so that I have a full week to take care of any last-minute details that pop up.

Everything really got to me last night, and I ended up crying on the phone with Mr. Bunny.

“There’s not enough time!” I wailed. “I’m not ready to get married!”

Mr. Bunny struggled not to laugh. Apparently I make funny noises when I cry.

“Of course you’re ready,” he said, matter-of-factly. “You’re more ready than I am.”

“I’m not emotionally ready!” I insisted, still crying. “We haven’t met with the pastor enough yet!” (As background, Mr. Bunny and I went to 2-3 months worth of counseling with a Christian counselor and have met with our pastor 3 times already.)

“You’re totally ready,” Mr. B said. “Besides, the wedding isn’t the end of everything. We’ll still be here after the wedding.”

He was right, of course. We don’t stop growing in our relationship and learning more about each other and how to be a good couple after our wedding. Hopefully, our wedding day is just the beginning of this. It’s only the end of the first stage of our relationship and the start of a new period of learning about each other.

It was exactly what I needed to hear. I stopped crying immediately and started laughing along with him, joking about our honeymoon.

This type of exchange is typical of Mr. Bunny and me and shows one reason why we’re a good fit. I didn’t always know that Mr. B and I were meant to be together, though, and I haven’t always been able to shake off my worries so easily.

It’s a little hard for me to write about this, but I want to be honest, so here goes.

I have issues with anxiety. I know many people, especially women, have trouble dealing with stress, and my own struggle has been so bad that it’s diagnosable as Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

I have always been a high-strung person, but my anxiety level has typically been manageable, with a few exceptions. Fortunately, I’ve never had panic attacks. For some reason, my anxiety has been at its worst the past two summers, making it difficult to work or be happy at all.

This is how it feels: I realize suddenly that I feel terrible even though nothing is physically wrong. I get a lump in my throat that doesn’t go away for days. Everything is a disaster. Everything spells doom for me, or for my relationship with Mr. B. If one thing is fine, then I blame the way I feel on something else.

High levels of anxiety are often associated with depression, and I struggled with that last summer as well. The “catastrophic thinking” that characterizes GAD convinced me that I would never feel better and that I would never be happy again. And if I would never feel better, well, why would I want to live like that?

The absolute worst month was July 2008, but in the midst of that dark, dark time, I got to see the depths of Mr. Bunny’s love for me. He was always understanding, always strong, always caring, and never stopped telling me he loved me.

This was when we first started talking about getting married, and I thought, wrongly, that our relationship was to blame for how I felt. I told him I wasn’t sure I could marry him.

That time was rough on both of us. We went to visit his family for the Fourth of July, and one night, as fog rolled over the Tennessee hills, we had a whispered talk that made me think that I could, indeed, marry him.

Mr. Bunny convinced me later that month that I should go see a counselor, and she recommended after our first meeting that I see a doctor and get on some medication. Apparently my anxiety scores were off the charts. :/

I tell you all this because I know that it’s something a lot of people struggle with. I see posts on the boards from women wondering whether or not they should call off their engagement, and here are my thoughts on the matter: Ask yourself, “Why do you want to get married, and why to that particular person?”

I don’t believe that there’s a “one” you’re supposed to be with. I believe that a well-rounded adult can be happy in a relationship with many different people. If you break off your relationship, it would hurt, but you would find love again, eventually.

I am with Mr. Bunny because I love him, yes, but also because I know he will make a good husband and father and because I am ready to be married. We have a good working relationship, we push each other to be better people, we share our faith and have similar dreams and goals for our lives. All of these are great reasons for us to get married to each other right now.

The thing that helped me the most in deciding whether or not to marry Mr. Bunny was stepping back and looking at my emotions objectively. Just because I wasn’t feeling happy didn’t mean that there was something wrong with my relationship. Many people go through life looking for someone who will make them happy, but no one is going to make you happy all the time. It’s easy to blame feeling bad on the person you’re with, when in fact it might have nothing to do with him or her at all. I urge you to consider your reasons for getting married and base your decision on that, not on your feelings.

If you’re unhappy and you’re not sure why, seeing a counselor or therapist could help you figure out why you’re feeling the way you feel. In my case, I think my sister moving away and my grandfather’s death contributed to my problem.

I’ve been on low-dose anti-depressants for almost a year now, and I can say this to those of you who struggle with anxiety. In my case, at least, the drugs do help. Before I got on medication, I couldn’t get through the workday without crying. But now, I can’t remember the last time I cried because of work. My emotions don’t stop me from tackling everyday life anymore.

Those reasons I gave for marrying Mr. Bunny are what I remind myself of whenever I start trying to blame my anxiety on our relationship.

The title of this post is from a song by Ingrid Michaelson that I found shortly after Mr. B and I got engaged. It describes very accurately what it’s like when you’re consumed with worry about a relationship and the sweet relief it is to let go and trust that whatever happens, you’ll get through it together.

Giving Up
by Ingrid Michaelson

What if we stop having a ball?
What if the paint chips from the wall?
What if there’s always cups in the sink?
What if I’m not what you think I am?

What if I fall further than you?
What if you dream of somebody new?
What if I never let you win, chase you with a rolling pin?
Well what if I do?

I am giving up on making passes and
I am giving up on half empty glasses and
I am giving up on greener grasses
I am giving up

What if our baby comes home after nine?
What it your eyes close before mine?
What if you lose yourself sometimes?
Then I’ll be the one to find you
Safe in my heart

I am giving up on making passes and
I am giving up on half empty glasses and
I am giving up on greener grasses

I am giving up
I am giving up
I am giving up
I am giving up on greener grasses
I am giving up for you
I am giving up for you
I am giving up

<3 to you all,
Miss Bunny