Weddingbee Blog

“Where there is no struggle, there is no strength. “

- Oprah

A decade.

Yep, Mr. Ostrich and I have been together 10 years…with no mini-breakups in between (you know, like Ross and Rachel’s “We were on a BREAK!”).

It’s been a blast—he’s my best friend, we spend too much time laughing, and we love each other to pieces…

“But 10 years?!” (This is the typical reaction we get, complete with wide eyes of disbelief.) Yeah, the length of our relationship has baffled and frustrated most of our friends, colleagues…even neighbors. (Thank goodness for our non-judgy families—whew.)

I like to tell the story of our wedding pressure in three acts.

ACT ONE:

Around the…oh, I don’t know, five-year mark (I was 26, and the first major wave of girlfriends were starting to get engaged), I was a bridesmaid at two of my best friends’ weddings, and the invasive questioning began.

“So I bet next year it’ll be you and Mr. Ostrich!”

“Have you and Mr. Ostrich talked about getting married yet?”

“What kind of wedding are you and Mr. O going to have?”

Oh, and the bouquets? Strategically thrown at yours truly. And the garters? Yep, fired away at poor Mr. Ostrich.

We’d smile and repeat the same responses we always did, “Oh, you guys know more than we do!” “Why ruin the surprise?” and “When we do, you’ll be the first to know.”

{The Ostriches in Japan}

INTERMISSION:

By this time, Mr. Ostrich and I had figured out we were going to be life partners. But we didn’t feel the burning desire to get engaged or have a wedding. We felt confident in our relationship, and for us at that time, getting married was just the “legalization” of it all. It was a really expensive party to celebrate our love, and since we would pay for it on our own, we opted to spend that money on the thing that we wanted to do at that moment—traveling. Then we needed a new car. And those fabulous shoes…and that Chloe handbag…you get the picture.

So we figured when the time was right and we’d saved up the funds, we’d get married. But there was no deadline, no scheduled savings plan. We never went ring shopping, but we did share our dreamy ideas of our perfect beach wedding every now and then over waffles and steak and eggs. The rest? We left up to the powers of fate and time.

{My work team at our holiday party—nine of the thirteen girls were engaged/married at the time.}

ACT TWO:

Let’s see, it was year seven, and something was in the water at work because a young assistant would come in each week with a dazzling ring and a hopelessly romantic proposal story…including my assistant. And every time there was a new engagement, the girls felt awkward telling me, I guess because they were afraid I’d burst into tears of frustration like some of the other girls had. (It was practically a sorority.) And every time Mr. O and I would go on vacation, there would be bets placed on if I’d come home engaged or not. Then finally, one of the young brides in my office turned to me one day and said, “Miss Ostrich, all I want is for you and Mr. O to get married.”

It was sweet that she was really rooting for us. But in my heart, we were everything a married couple was, just without that darn legal certificate. So what was the big deal? Why were people so obsessed with us getting married?! WE weren’t obsessed with us getting married…but, because of all this watercooler talk, I was starting to feel like that was weird, like I was breaking some secret wedding rule.

{Some of my fellow BMs and me at B’s wedding}

ACT THREE:

Year eight and a half. I’ll never forget it. One of my bestest girlfriends, who had been trying her luck at love and dating throughout the eight years I had known her, had met an awesome guy, and less than a year later he popped the question. They were getting married, I was a bridesmaid, and the wedding was the day before my 30th birthday.

Every time I ran into my upstairs neighbor, she asked me when Mr. O was going to propose. I ran into her a lot.

And every time I saw my cousins they would say, “What is he waiting for? You don’t deserve to wait around forever!” One cousin even had a guy she wanted me to meet. Seriously?!

Chip, chip, chip…all this stuff, after all this time, was starting to wear me down. I started to feel like Beth, Jen Aniston’s character in He’s Just Not That Into You.

“So if I hear a story about a girl who’s been with a guy for three years and he finally married her, that’s the exception…But for guys like Neil, who are with girls like me…for seven years and aren’t married…they’re never getting married.”

{source}

And that’s when the wedding interrogations started to really bug me. I felt like people didn’t consider us a legitimate couple because we weren’t married. And the fact that we’d been together for so long and weren’t married—well, there had to be something wrong with us, right? I was frustrated that our relationship was being judged and compared…and I wanted to hide and everyone to leave us alone.

On the outside, though, I kept myself together. I could never let Mr. Ostrich know about these ridiculous thoughts—it would make him feel bad because I knew that we were saving for our own day…but when was that going to be? “Probably another year,” I concluded after doing some quick math in my head. “One more year.”

A few months later, my best friend, B, got married, and it was beautiful and perfect, and I was so thrilled for her.

The next day I turned 30.

The day after that, Mr. Ostrich proposed.

EPILOGUE:

After we got engaged, I asked Mr. O about why he picked the day after my birthday.

“I had a deadline for myself. In your 20s, you and I did everything we wanted to do independently, with our friends, and together as a couple. For your 30s, it’ll be a new chapter for us…and I wanted you to start your 30s with that promise and a ring.”

Looking back on our crazy 10 years together, I’m really really happy that we waited until now to tie this knot. Here’s why…

GROW, GROW, GROW:

These years have allowed me to grow independently—in my career, in relationships with friends and family, and emotionally. When I was 21 (when I first met Mr. O), I was like Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride —I didn’t know what kind of eggs I liked…I was a chameleon, falling in love with new things and trying new personas on for size. Now, I know not only what I like (eggs, poached), but what I want my life to look like…now I just need the directions.

{source}

GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN:

Don’t get me wrong—Mr. Ostrich and I love hanging out with each other. But our friends and family are also super important to us, and we wanted to have a few adventures with them, independent from each other. So every week, we have our girls’ or guys’ night…and that’s when I get to dance it out! And every couple months there were the crazy vacations. Now, our friendships are stronger than ever, and we have some hilarious memories to look back on.

(Painting the town in NYC)

LEAN ON ME:

Over the course of 10 years, drama and hardship will find a way to rear their ugly heads. Financial hardships, family deaths, career slumps, family illness—the hurdles came fast and furious…and they were brutal. But we leaned hard and held on tight. And knowing that we made it through these times gives me the confidence that we can get through anything together.

(The Ostriches at Outside Lands Music Festival, 2010)

Now it’s your turn, bees. How long have you been with your fiance? And for those who experienced wedding pressure from friends and family (or nosy neighbors), how did you deal?