Weddingbee Blog

“Partnership and Independence” wasn’t a very commented post, but I chose it as one of my faves because it still makes me think. Just like the rest of us, I’m exposed to relationships of all kinds: married, happily-not-married, newly dating, and, unfortunately, even unhappily married, passive-aggressively together, co-dependent, and every gray area in between. Weddings always remind me of why, when, and how I got hitched on the magical-est day SF ever saw. But they also remind me that as much as I love being a Mrs., I’ll never forget (or let go of) what made me Miss T, on and off the blogosphere.

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I’ve been thinking a lot about Mrs. Penguin’s recent post on life lessons reinforced at an early age: never depend on your partner to live. Always be able to pay your own way. There are exceptions, sure, including school for one, or layoffs for another.

But the post got me thinking about partnership and independence. Namely, that being married or being parents are easy scapegoats on which we blame our own shortcomings or bad decisions. I’ve done it plenty of times. You have too, I’m sure. But I’m really trying not to, because I’ve seen it go mega-wrong in some cases, in marriages ranging from zero years old to 30 years old.

For example:

“He made me be a stay-at-home mom, now I don’t have any skills to re-enter the workforce.”

Some exclusively stay-at-home moms relish their role, becoming masters of the domestic, budgeting, and child-rearing domain. Professional life ended a couple years ago, but it may come again in the future. Still, others are not OK with this and feel like it was thrust upon them unfairly.

No one, except maybe the cops, the IRS, and your employer, makes you do anything. If your skills are important to you, they should remain priorities. And if he understands how important they are to you, he should encourage that, IMHO. If they are no longer priorities, then so be it, but you can’t blame your spouse for an arrangement you approved.

“We only stayed together for the kids.”

As someone with no personal experience with divorce, I can’t weigh in with a first-person perspective. But is it better to stay together and be miserable rather than chart a new path where everyone wins? It’s crappy and complicated, I’m sure. But I think kids still end up on the shit end whenever this statement it said: whether it’s now, in their formative years, or in several years, when poor communication and resentment had time to stew and worsen.

“She neglected me, so I was forced to cheat with someone who didn’t.”

Speaking of poor communication. I think the onus is always on the cheater, regardless of what cheatee did wrong. This is complicated if both people cheated, so let’s not go down that road for now. Nonetheless, “I met someone new” should not be the first time you discuss relationship problems, but that often seems to be the case.

What are the keys to being a good partner while also being independent? Not depending on your spouse to live and not turning him or her into your scapegoat seem like good places to start, to me. But where’s your balance?