Letting Go

Letting Go

December 11th, 2010 @ 4:30 pm by Mrs. Seashell
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As Mr. Seashell and I settle into married life, I’ve started to realize there’s something I need to get better at: letting go. I’m learning to let go of me and embrace we.

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My independence is of paramount importance. That’s partially a tribute to how I was raised, and partially speaks to how I operate in the world. If I decided I want to do something, up until recently, I was just going to go ahead and do it. The idea of asking someone for their feedback didn’t feel romantic, it felt childish. I struggled greatly with moving from me to we.

Mr. Seashell, on the other hand, embraced the we from the start. Being part of a team clicked for him immediately. “Checking in” over the purchase of a sweater didn’t feel disempowering, it was for the greater good of our future, finances, and he actually liked my input. (That’s probably a silly example, but a perfect one—-the idea of asking someone if I could buy a sweater makes me batty as a grown, working woman. I have to ask you if I can buy a sweater?! This is a conversation?)

There have been many instances where I have had to challenge myself to “let go” of my previous mode of operating, and accept that I am now part of something greater than myself.

Has becoming a we been a process for you too?

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15 Responses to “Letting Go”

Member

happygirlx2 (message) 24 posts, Newbee

You bring up a great point. Sadly, I’ve only thought about him having to go from me to we, not vice versa. I know I’m going to have a lot of trouble with it. How can you just let go of your independence??? I know I’m going to have to but its going to be really hard.

12/11/10 @ 4:57 pm (reply)

Guest

Jewellers Dublin

I agree, was at they point too when it was hard to remember my decisions had an impact on my wife too. A proper working team is definitely more powerful than the sum of its parts.

12/11/10 @ 5:17 pm (reply)

Member

tea (message) 7,288 posts, Bee Keeper

oh boy has it been, and we’re not even married yet! the mister instantly fell into it but it’s been very tough for me and the source of a few of our disagreements. i’m working on it though as tough as it is.

12/11/10 @ 5:21 pm (reply)

Member

blondeeebuckeye (message) 1,083 posts, Bumble bee

About 8 months after we started dating, my fiance got the idea that he wanted to buy a house. It was never discussed with me at all, and I was actually really annoyed about it. He asked me what I thought about moving in once my lease was up and I said that I would think about it, but that it would always be “his” house, never “our” house. I’m not sure what it was about that conversation that changed something in him–the conversation was completely dropped (I had no desire to own a place) and he started thinking about “us” all. the. time.

We still try to maintain certain things that we don’t need to ask the other person about (purchases under a certain amount, the occasional weekend trip with friends, etc) and it works for us. I’m sure that will substantially change once we have kids, but for now, I feel like we got lucky to find a good system that works for us.

12/11/10 @ 5:39 pm (reply)

Bee

Miss Pancakes (message) 85 posts, Worker bee

I find this super interesting because I grew up in a very close (co-dependent) family. No one makes a move without informing everyone else! It’s a constant stream of phone calls, all day, everyday. So I had an opposite problem… it’s been difficult to establish a balance because Mr. does need his independence and I know it’s not normal to need feedback on EVERYTHING. After living together for over 3 years we’ve finally got our own rhythm, that doesn’t mean we don’t struggle, but its gotten much easier.

12/11/10 @ 7:48 pm (reply)

Member

Coffeecake (message) 345 posts, Helper bee

In my first “real” romantic relationship I struggled with this a lot, and part of it was I realized I had become selfish. I was so used to doing what I wanted when I wanted without it affecting anyone else, and now here’s someone I love, who loved me, who was affected by my decisions.

Mrs. Seashell, I was wondering if you planned on writing anymore about your sister. I found that previous post to be very honest and touching, and it’s something I’ve thought about myself; I also have a sibling who has ’special needs’.

12/11/10 @ 8:53 pm (reply)

Member

annapeeps (message) 85 posts, Worker bee

We’ve struggled with balancing as well. And like most of you, I am the one who needs to work on being more “we” focused. And it mainly revolves around money. We really do need to come up with a system that works for us, because money is the biggest cause of our fights.
The other weekend he went out and bought a 46″ LED TV, table for it to go on and a blue ray player. He has the money for it, so that wasn’t an issue, but it was a HUGE purchase, and I wasn’t consulted…yet when I go to Target and don’t stick to the list it’s the end of the world. But he makes a LOT more than I do, and takes care of more of our household bills than I do as well (I pay 1/4 of the morgage and buy all the groceries/ household supplies, and 1/2 our cell bill)

We’re starting premarital counseling soon and I’m hoping we can get some guidance on this issue!

12/11/10 @ 11:52 pm (reply)

Guest

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12/12/10 @ 5:19 am (reply)

Guest

sabina

Once you are married, there are two you need to take care of

12/12/10 @ 11:17 am (reply)

10.

Guest

Sarah

This is really hard for me. When things are bugging me or I’m having a bad day or things aren’t going right, I just want to suck it up & deal & move on. I don’t usually see the point in sharing those kinds of things because, what good is it going to do? Because of this, my family seems to think I have no problems ever. My fiance has a hard time with it because he likes to analize & share & talk about things. I really need to figure out a way to let him know when I’m upset about something or having an issue rather than just dealing with it myself. I don’t like to display weaknesses…

12/12/10 @ 12:45 pm (reply)

11.

Bee

Mrs. Hot Wings (message) 2,213 posts, Buzzing bee

Great post. Just yesterday I asked Mr HW what he thought of me taking so many ‘personal’ trips next year. I planned them without him. It was a strange feeling to ask permission, but it was with “our” money. It’s definitely important to respect the “our money” fund.

12/12/10 @ 1:24 pm (reply)

12.

Member

eeper (message) 485 posts, Helper bee

This is something I struggle with all the time. My husband has been trying to get me to think in terms of “we” for years now. He gets most frustrated when I say “I am getting my mom X for Christmas” versus what “we” are getting for her. I am hoping that it will start to come easier now that we are married!

12/12/10 @ 5:34 pm (reply)

13.

Member

AMFELTS (message) 60 posts, Worker bee

Yes, I am struggling too. I am trying to use the word us & our more thatn me & mine as much as possible but it has been ME for sooooo long it will will be difficult. This is a beautiful post and exactly where I am too. I hope the day I say I do, something will hit me and I wont remember “me” anymore, even though I know its not that easy.

12/13/10 @ 10:19 am (reply)

14.

Member

KassieD (message) 40 posts, Newbee

Oh yes, but in the opposite direction. On my own I am one of the most independent people I know, but in a relationship, I abandon a lot of that independence. After getting married I realized that I’m all “we” and no “me”. Which I cannot say for my husband. Very frustrating.

12/13/10 @ 10:34 am (reply)

15.

Member

dookie32 (message) 176 posts, Blushing bee

The joint account thing is going to be tough (we have started the process of moving our money to one account, but it won’t be in full effect until January). Independence for me always meant I could do anything I wanted with my money, and it’s going to be hard to let go of that part. It’s not like my husband will have a problem every time I buy a $20 top at Old Navy, but I think I will feel guilty about spending money on myself now that it’s “our” money. I keep reminding myself though that we are working towards a common goal (buying a house) and that my priorities need to be more focused on that now than clothes :).

12/13/10 @ 10:55 am (reply)