Weddingbee Blog

Have you ever made a decision about your wedding that ultimately came back and kicked you up the butt? I have. And it did.

It was in that post-engagement glow period, where all I wanted to do was tell everyone! make decisions! book the entire shindig!—all in the space of about a week. I was so far away from friends and family while we were in England that I was itching to share all of my big plans with anybody who was willing to listen. (And even some who weren’t willing to listen, if you know what I mean.)

One of the first things I wanted to do was to choose my bridal party. Before I was even engaged, I knew that I’d be asking my bestie, Miss K, to be my Maid of Honour—it was a given. But as for other bridesmaids? I wasn’t sure. Newly engaged bees, this is where I give you some advice: don’t pick your wedding party too early. It’s common sense for most people, but from personal experience, I know how tempting it can be to go with the moment and get busy asking straight away.

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I asked two other girlfriends to be bridesmaids for me: one, a university friend of mine, who is one of my all-time favourite people and is always there for me, even when we’re thousands of miles apart. Miss E is one of those rare friends that don’t come along every day; the kind where you can not see them for months, organise a catch up session and feel like not a second has passed. She’s brilliant and was thoroughly excited to be a part of our wedding day.

And then there was my final bridesmaid: let’s call her Miss X. I’ve known Miss X for the past few years, though since she lives interstate I don’t see her as often as I’d have liked. She is a mutual friend of Miss K and I, so I had grand visions of us having epic planning sessions and enjoying our time doing all things wedding together…and, well, it seemed like a good idea to ask her at the time.

There were a few warning signs that things weren’t starting off well. My parents, while polite about my decision, were worried that she, being a few years younger than I am, wasn’t the right choice for a bridesmaid. (I believe Miss X sealed the deal with them when she made jokes at our reception venue about being placed near the ‘open bar’: I could see visions going through my mother’s head of drunken and belligerent bridesmaids sloshing alcohol all over the pretty carpet.) While looking at bridesmaids’ dresses, Miss X shot down every single one of my suggestions: no long, no fancy, no satin, no strapless. She also wasn’t very supportive of my colour scheme. I’m not a diva of a bride, and I don’t even have a specific dress that I want my girls to wear, but I felt like all of my suggestions were being thrown back in my face. And the last straw for me? Along with Miss K, we traveled through Europe together this past October as a threesome. Arguments happened, feelings were hurt, and true colours really shined through—suffice it to say that through travelling, I learned a lot about Miss X that I hadn’t known before. After our travels were over, I finally stopped and listened to all the alarm bells ringing in my head, before realising that I’d made a huge mistake: I should never have asked her to be a bridesmaid.

Guys, there is nothing harder to do than to tell someone that you’re sorry, but that you don’t think that their being a bridesmaid is the right decision to have made. Since I had no phone access at the time, I spent days drafting the perfect email that would explain the situation to her and when I finally sent it off, I felt awful. I knew it was the right thing for me to do, but that didn’t stop me from feeling bad about doing it. Since I was still overseas at the time and with limited phone and internet access, I received her response a few days later: she was upset but she understood and hoped we could still be friends. I was relieved and thoroughly happy that she seemed to have taken things well, and on a personal level, it felt like a massive weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Unfortunately, the next week when I checked my emails once again, she had experienced a change of heart and sent me a long and hurtful email, ending with a request to “not bother inviting her to the wedding, it would be too awkward.” I’m sad she feels this way, but I do understand the awkwardness—so I don’t hold it against her: it would’ve been hard for any friendship to survive that whole debacle.

Here are a few tips that I learned throughout my whole snafu of an experience:

• Like I said before, don’t rush when it comes to asking your nearest and dearest to be in your wedding party. Particularly if (like yours truly) you have a VERY long engagement—there’s no real need to get that sorted immediately, and you never know what might happen in twelve or eighteen months time.
• Weigh up your pros & cons of asking each member—what is your friendship or relationship like now? Has it gone through any weak spots? Do you see your friend still in your life in 1, 5 or 10 years time? Do they get along with your family members, your fiance?
• Trust your gut instinct. If you have a niggling concern, listen to it. You can always involve your friends in other wedding-related activities without having them be a bridesmaid, which is a potentially safer option if things go sour later on.
• If in doubt, fix things early. I was lucky in my situation, because no financial decisions or purchases had been made when it came to the girls. Things only get harder when money is involved—so I’m blessed that I made my decision early.

So, that was my epic mistake when it comes to wedding planning so far. In a way I wish things had turned out differently, but I know now that I did the right thing and should have gone with my gut feeling all along. Oh, and in case you were wondering, I have a new third bridesmaid now: one who I was honest with sharing my story with, so that she wouldn’t feel like a ‘replacement’ bridesmaid and who my heart tells me is a very, very good choice.

What’s the biggest mistake that you made during your wedding planning?