Weddingbee Blog

I’m happy to say that Operation “Turn into a Yogini and Wear a Miniskirt to the Grocery Store” has begun!

[Note: My miniskirted days are likely over, but wouldn’t it be nice to just have that option?]

Yes, the pre-wedding workouts have begun. And if you associated the aforementioned word “yogini” with yoga, you are absolutely correct! My routine of choice? BIKRAM.

I’ll pause while everyone shudders. Or at least everyone who had an experience similar to that of Mrs. Ribbons.

I think at this point, most people have heard of Bikram yoga: It’s a 90-minute routine of 26 insane postures in 105-degree, humid, stagnant air. It’s chic, in a way, because it’s like the Ironman of yoga, complete with sweating, grunting, even the occasional ripping off of one’s shirt and fist-pumping in a fit of rage…or elation.

(source)

So now I present you with three reasons I’m loyal to Bikram despite his borderline thong and high-ponytail/headband combo (and why you might like it, too, once you get past the waterfalls of sweat and men with chest-hair vests):

1. My back is jacked up and I can’t afford a chiropractor. As a young journalist, I wrote an article about atlas adjustments and subsequently had it in my mind that life was not worth living without an immediate adjustment. So I went to a fancy-pants chiropractor, learned that my spine apparently curves the wrong way, flirted with him to get a decent deal, did not get said deal, and decided to forgo spending $7,000 to fix my back.

But I swear to all things flexible and holy, yoga makes all my pain go away. Once, I even talked to this really tall man after a class, and he told me that after regularly practicing for one year, his spine decompressed four inches. Seriously. He was so tall.

2. It’s the only place I can walk around in a sports bra and spandex shorts without shame. And let’s be honest, it’s not easy to stand in front of a wall of mirrors in a sea of people in something as tight as sausage casing, sweat running down your face, your hair product melting in the humidity and making the back of your neck sticky and dis-GUSTING. There’s your visual.

But nobody judges your fat rolls when you bend over and forget to suck in, and nobody stares at your booty when you’re trying desperately to keep your balance whilst lifting a leg up and keeping your back straight, butt down, without falling down in a flailing heap. It’s all peace and love, baby. Some hardcore yogis even do sweaty hugs after class, but that’s just a little too much comfort for me.

3. I want to be trim and toned for our upcoming nuptials, and gyms give me the creeps. Once upon a time, Mr. Jam and I got a couples’ gym membership that included a complimentary “training session.” So my trainer, all huge and veiny and bald, tells me that unless I buy his training sessions, I will die young because of something having to do with my oxygen levels plus fat percent plus brain something-or-other.

Much to the chagrin of the trainer, I didn’t buy training and primarily used my membership to nap beside their outdoor pool. Soon after, I quit the gym because I was tired of trying to figure out the machines, and I was even more tired of women flaunting their nakedness as they sat on benches in the plush locker room to lotion themselves for extended periods of time. Completely out in the open. [Note: This is completely different than being comfortable in a sports bra, OK?]

For all the naysayers who think Bikram yoga is way too expensive to even approach with a bedazzled 10-foot pole (and at $150 for monthly unlimited, it can be…ouch), I have some tips for you:

1. First, join regional coupon sites like Groupon and LivingSocial and stalk them for yoga deals. I’m doing the whole “yogini in a miniskirt” thing for $25 next month, and it’s such a good deal I almost feel guilty. Like I’m stealing.

2. No yoga coupons? Then keep your eyes and ears peeled for new yoga studios popping up near you. Odds are, they will offer freebies and delicious doorbusters as incentive to get bodies through their shiny new doors. Like the one I’m using this month: $25 monthly unlimited in a brand new studio with ritzy changing rooms and the smell of zen wafting around the whole place. Namaste, my heart.

3. After the holidays, lots of yoga studios will offer something called a 30-day challenge. The point of a 30-day challenge is exactly what the title suggests: Yoga every day for 30 days to help lose the extra poundage packed on from all of those family dinners (or those lonely nights spent on the couch, watching movies as you shovel in holiday treats). It will save you about $100 and rid you of pounds, and oftentimes they throw in a free T-shirt. OK, who can say no to that?!

4. And if those don’t work for you, all you need to do is ask…this may or may not need to be paired with puppy-dog eyes and heartbreaking stories. Yoga teachers (Bikram yoga teachers, specifically) understand what it’s like to want to practice yoga but not be able to afford it. Offer to come in every night and vacuum the studio, clean the mirrored walls, even scrub down the showers in exchange for classes. It’s exactly what a friend of mine did, and now she’s a teacher herself and looks killer in a sports bra and spandex booty shorts.

What are you doing to prepare yourself for your upcoming nuptials? Or are you married and looking to get trim and toned? Or are you like me and borderline allergic to almost all forms of exercise? Have you melted into a puddle of sweat in a Bikram class…and lived to tell the tale?

Or is all of this workout talk just making you hungry? What kinds of things do you gorge on around the holidays? Yes, I would actually prefer to talk about food rather than fitness…as I sit on the couch eating queso dip in my new Christmas Snuggie.