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The wedding budget is my #1 archenemy. She’s a demonic, merciless, vile, and downright ghastly creature hiding behind a prim, pink petticoat.
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Despite carefully considering each element of the wedding and prioritizing them, the budget still hexed me in the back. Complete with that high-pitched titter. ::shudder::
At the time of our engagement, we were both full-time students. We had “the talk” with our families who generously offered to help cover wedding expenses if needed. However, because Mr. Tartlet and I fiercely value our independence, we continued to plan for a wedding within our own means. (Mr. Tartlet will be the first to tell you that I hate being indebted to anyone.) Even though we had yet to accept a red cent, we were soon schooled that even with an offer of financial aid comes a slew of expectations. And, because our families had generously opened their wallets to us, I felt compelled to hear them out. With each conversation, it got harder to politely grit out the words: “of course.”
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The most arduous part was cementing our desire for a small, intimate wedding. We initially set the guest list at a modest 100 persons, but—I kid you not—it rapidly exploded into a 200+ affair because of the line: “It’s OK. We’ll cover it.” While our families had the best of intentions, our wedding was rapidly spinning out of our control. Cue stress overload.
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I know some of you may find this a laughable situation: people are pushing money at you, and you aren’t accepting it? Are you CRAZY? Yes, yes we are. We’re the stubborn fools who take pride in struggling to make ends meet. We made the decision as a team to foot the bill because we would feel better about ourselves and the wedding when all was said and done. I’m by no means promoting this as the universal “right” choice; it just happened to be the right one for us.
Bring it on, Budget. Our sleeves are rolled up, and we’re ready to rumble. Do you have a backbone of steel (mine is more the consistency of Jell-O) that would have allowed you to stick to your guns and take such drastic action?
I am very impressed! It is not an easy task to turn money away, especially when people are throwing their wants and expectations at you. I caved and allowed myself to choose certain things that I absolutely want to pay for myself, and my parents will be helping with the rest. I felt it was the best compromise I could make, as they wanted to help and have as much input as they could, but I still have a few things that are mine to figure out and budget.
Our you my twin? We had initially wanted 150 people….not 151…150, and then FMIL wanted this person and this family member, even though FI hadn’t seen them since he was 5. The list reached 200+ with them saying we will pay for it….then I finally put my foot down and the kabash on this nonsense. It doesn’t matter if you will pay for it, we want people who we love and cherish there. We don’t want to look back at pictures and go “who the hell is that?” Props to you Miss Tartlet….imaginary high five!
I understand how things can spin out of control when family is involved. We had the same issue with guest list as you did. FI and I had a guest list of about 120 which quickly grew to over 200 after our parents added their invites. Ultimately I had to come to grips with the fact the wedding wasn’t going to be as small and intimate as we had originally planned, but it’s difficult to put your foot down when you’re not footing the bill. Props to you and Mr. T for taking it on yourselves.
I’m impressed too! I will be kind of in the same situation. I come from a relatively wealthy family and I cut myself off from my parents about a little over a year ago. My boyfriend and I want to be able to pay for our own wedding. I let my mom and sisters know that and they said, “You know Dad isn’t going to let you pay for your own wedding…” So, I know I will have that struggle. I’m like you, I don’t want to feel like I am putting a nuisance on my family to pay for my wedding. I’ll probably end up more like Falcon. I’m a very stubborn but my dad is just like me. Plus, I’m his little girl… It will be hard winning that “argument”.
Good luck and happy planning! I’m sure everything will work out for the best. Oh, and I love the reference to Umbridge. That woman makes me want to scream!
Interesting. We accepted that my parents would pay for the wedding in full, even though we both make 6 figure salaries and have great savings. If we declined their offer of help, in my family, this is seen as disrespectful. To each their own, I definitely don’t see struggling in the name of independence (especially when you are in your early twenties) as some badge of honor. Good luck with your wedding planning.
i had the “but we’ve offered to pay for anyone over 200 so why do we need a guest list number” issue. gah! so stressful! i need a number to plan other things like centerpieces and so forth that may require rental items! felt like i was banging my head against a wall.
@Falcon: Oh Falcon, I feel your pain! We’ve definitely had to make compromises along the way, and we’re still coming to terms with budgeting for a wedding that everyone will enjoy.
@upstatebroad: Good for you! I’m impressed that you could put your foot down. 
Send some of that confidence my way!
@Ctinaditty: We’ll stubbornly struggle together. 
Best of luck to you, too!
@NYCgal: Thank you! You bring up a great point that I didn’t mention (about declining help being seen as disrespectful). We’ve definitely run into this issue, and it came as a total surprise. Balancing cultural differences is an adventure for sure!
Jell-o here, for sure! My parents are giving us a lot for the wedding, but now my dad thinks he can invite everyone! I totally get you here!
I like your attitude. Budget is such a touchy topic, and I feel like a lot of brides accept help from their parents, then do nothing but complain about all the things that come with that (including me!). It’s great that you are willing to struggle a bit to get what YOU want.
LOVE the Harry Potter reference! Annnd, I understand where you’re coming from with the independence issues. My parents did contribute some money toward a specific thing at our wedding, but we paid for the vast, vast majority of the wedding ourselves. Both sets of parents are very hands-off, but we wanted the sense of pride that comes with planning and paying for a nice celebration on our own. To us, it just seemed silly to have parents pay for something when we’re adults making our own money. We definitely scrimped and saved, and felt pretty poor that year, but I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.
To each their own. You choose what you feel is right. My father is for the most part paying for my wedding. There are a few things he is not paying for. He set a budgeted and I have proudly staying well within the limits. I hope for a small wedding of maybe 50 guests, and it looks like it will be somewhere between 80 and 100. Its ok..its actually still small. With all that said, my parents have NEVER gave me a slew of expectations. Yes a few more people are coming, but everything else is my and my fiancee’s choice.
You’re very strong! I was not as strong as you, and accepted a LOT of help from my future in-laws. Now, I try not to complain when they get in my business, because I know I’m lucky to have their financial assistance, but I can’t help it sometimes — it’s hard to not feel like you’re in control of your own wedding planning process. So I applaud your strength! Everyone’s situation is different, but you’re doing what you’re comfortable with, and I think that’s important.
Good for you for sticking to your guns and your budget! We are int he same boat and I refuse to invite people that FI’s parents want to invite even if they’ll cover the bill. We don’t want strangers at our wedding, we want to be surrounded by people we love.
Bad Delores “Budget” Umbridge!
The BFs mother has already said they will contribute as much to the wedding as is OK with my parents. Did I mention that we ARE NOT ENGAGED? I know we will have to accept money from our families. Our means won’t afford for more than 10 people. (OK, I kid, it would be more than 10 people.) And I don’t see either side making requests. But I am a big pushover and so is BF so if there were requests, demands, “we’ll cover it”s and so on, they would all make it in.
Is it possible to Sectumsempra the budget? I want to cut the high-pitched titter right out of it!
I also don’t see the point in struggling for independence if your parents are willing and able to help out. Of course if this is the only way to have the wedding that you want (under 100 people) then you don’t have much of a choice - but a solution might be to ask them to help in other areas which are not the reception (say the photography). I see where you’re coming from, but in the end sharing the wedding costs does not mean you should start going all fancy and plan a different wedding.
@Miss Panther: Thanks for the words of encouragement, Panther.
@In the media: Seriously! Hand over that wand, and I’ll be the first to cast that curse.
@Lexsy: A great solution, and one we ended up using to keep everyone content.
As many Bees have said, the most important thing is to do what feels right for you and your FI!
I agree with you Tart! My FMIL has been offering all kinds of unsolicited things. I finally had to tell her to stop. In the end the day is about you and your man not anyone else, and if people can’t understand that…then that’s on them!
Ditto on your post. FH and I set a limit on wedding expenses and are paying for the vast majority of costs…as far as we know. My family is persistent on offering us money to cover costs that (1) they think we should have and (2) we don’t really want to have.
Sure, there are some cuts we’ve had to make because of our budget ceiling but you know what? It’s called making a decision. It’s called prioritizing.
I basically think that if we say that we are spending this much, let’s stick to around that budget. Sure, an extra $1000 here or even $5000 would be kind of cool but I might as well then act like I have unlimited funds. I don’t know if that makes sense but I mean that I don’t want to think every now and then that, Oh, we may get a bit of money from so-and-so so let’s wait out on that aspect of the wedding.
Ok, I feel like that didn’t make sense but I know that part of the generosity is in an effort to–gasp!–invite more guests. Each guest is a significant cost of the wedding. But that’s not the only reason why we want an “intimate” wedding (and I am not sure if 150 people is intimate but it is relative to what was expected of us).
I wouldn’t want a huge wedding. I’ve been to weddings where people in the back of the reception room can’t even see what’s going on at the front where the head table and dance floor are. We want smaller than that. And it doesn’t hurt; we know that we can invite those closest to us and it won’t break the bank.
Whew. End rant.
[...] off such a carefree, yet classic feeling. However, I put together this inspiration board before we reworked our contract with the Royal Park. Previously, our reception was supposed to be in their ballroom, [...]
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Mrs. Tartlet, Rochester, MI Age and Occupation: Age & Occupation: 27, Post-Doctoral Research Fellow Fiance's Age and Occupation: 28, Medical Student Engagement Date: May 2, 2009 Wedding Date: May 2011 Venue: The Royal Park Hotel About Me: I'm an exuberant gal from the Midwest with a penchant for Neuroscience and anything sparkly. I'm not afraid to poke fun at myself, and I'm a believer that given the right pair of shoes, a girl can conquer the world. While an interest in the sciences threw Mr. Tartlet and me together (again, and again, until it finally stuck), we share a love for many things---food, video games, car dancing, food, bad puns, travel, did I mention food?---that ultimately led us to where we are now, less than five months from becoming Mr. and Mrs. We're planning a laid-back, romantic, garden-inspired affair with organic and quirky touches that reflect our love for the unexpected!
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