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As the last of the RSVPs trickled in recently I couldn’t help feeling a little…sad. Because there are always going to be some people that can’t make it and, in our case, that number of people is fairly high. I guess that is what happens when the majority of your friends and family are spread around the world.
Our final guest breakdown is as follows:
Almost every single person not attending is either a mutual friend from overseas or from Mr E’s side of the family. Including his brother—who was going to be his best man, but then had to cancel his flight because of personal reasons. Which just sucks on so many levels.
Despite being very disappointed that his brother can’t come, Mr E has handled it very well, saying that the point of the wedding is us getting married anyway and that absent people can’t dampen that for him. I can’t help feeling guilty though. Yes, we both decided we wanted the wedding in New Zealand for quite a number of reasons. But that doesn’t stop me from wishing circumstances were a bit different and we could have everyone we love attend. Then I wonder if it would have been better to have a different kind of wedding in a different location, and the guilt grows bigger.
But I’ve reached a point where I can’t stay wallowed in those “what if” questions because they just aren’t helpful. This is the wedding we chose, in the location that works best for us at this time and wherever we had the wedding there would always have been some people who couldn’t make it. Hearing how other couples have managed a situation like this by having another reception for those who couldn’t make it to the first one has encouraged us to think about trying to get to Mr E’s hometown in California one day to do something similar. At this point, who knows if that will be possible, but it is a fun thought. And Mr E’s brother is writing a speech to be read out at our reception so that he can still be a part of our day. Little things like that keep us grounded and enjoying the fact that we’re getting married, and whatever happens, it is going to be awesome.
Anyone else had to deal with some blue feelings because of guests who can’t come to your wedding?
I am wondering if we should go to England around our wedding anniversary and have a small ceremony or something so that Mr. G’s parents, family friends, and older brother can celebrate with us. I feel terribly guilty as well, but Mr. E is right - you definitely can’t let it dampen the spirit! And I’m sure his brother will be there in spirit! Mr. G’s parents toasted us and talked about what they thought we were doing while we had our wedding 
I completely understand. Of our list of 78 invitees, only 12 (!!!) will be his. He’s just way less social than I am, and also hasn’t been as obsessive about keeping in touch with people. I feel so bad about that, but it’s just the way it is. We are going to ask one of his friends to perform the ceremony, so it won’t totally be the Bride’s Side Show (pun intended). (My friends/family friends are doing our invites, photography, jewelry, and dress.)
Reading your post resounded with me on so many levels. We too have friends around the world - we are from different countries, met in a third and live in a fourth! So there were inevitably some disappointing RSVP’s, particularly on his side (the wedding was in my home town). I felt so bad for him, and up until the last minute we didn’t know if his brother could make it. Fortunately he could, but flew in for 24 hours! We barely saw him but at least he was there.
How I dealt with it;
1) We had a big dinner with his side of the family. It wasn’t exactly a wedding, but we saw everyone, dressed up, and took pictures. It was a low-key stress-free affair that is such a nice memory. Ours was before the wedding, you could make a point of visiting California in the next year and it would still be a celebration.
2) I contacted his close friends who couldn’t make it before the wedding and asked them to record short video messages for him. I played them to him the night before the wedding. He was really touched by that I think.
3) It really didn’t matter in the end. We had 105 guests (from 150 invited) and it was the perfect size. Everything went so well, we were both just so happy, and at the end of the day it is about the two of you.
Please don’t feel guilty! I am sure you made the decision to get married in NZ for many good reasons, and the same thing would have happened no matter where you had it. I wish you all the luck in the world (not that you will need it) and hugs!
Our situation was reversed - almost the entire attendee list came from his side. As the RSVPs were rolling in, there were definitely a few times I cried - I had a few guests who I automatically assumed were 100% definitely going to say “yes” and they did not. On the day of our wedding, though, I still felt absolutely surrounded by love.
Hang in there. One of my husband’s brothers who was to be co-best man with his other brother couldn’t make it as he is in Europe with the U.S. State Dept. and they had a pre-mature baby two months before the wedding and he couldn’t leave his wife alone since they have other children.
want to know the good news? on that magical day that is your wedding, there will be lots of warm and fuzzy vibes being sent to you from every corner of the world. your loved ones, while they can’t be there physically, will be thinking of you and wishing they could be there - and you’ll be feeling the love all day long i’m SO excited for your wedding!
Hopefully you will have a chance to celebrate with the rest of his family in the states at a later time!
I feel guilty from time to time because Mr. E’s side of the guest list was super small to begin with. I just have to tell myself that everyone will be there for us and “my” people will become “his” people
I get you - I really do. But there’s always going to be time to head over to Cali (any excuse for a holiday, yay!) to hang out with his fam - even just a dinner out, or something like that. You have 97 superawesome guests who will be thrilled to be there with you - it’s going to be fantastic! xx
We are getting married in my hometown and I know that most of the people invited on his side will not be able to make it. But I have been living in the states and met most of them in family reunions or parties that his family threw for us in several occasions. Coming from different countries make everything complicated. It was something that we were aware of when we decided to get married. We will probably never be able to gather all our loved one in a same place and it is sad,but there is nothing we can do about it.
We had a few people that couldnt come and at first we were really disappointed - but then on the day of the wedding you dont even notice whos not there because you are so happy about who IS there!
I’m so glad I found this page. I’m getting married in Aruba in 3 months and have been planning for over a year. Recently ALL of my friends have either backed out entirely or are debating on going at all. Lately I’ve been depressed and cannot even think about the wedding enthusiastically. My family consists of my brother and mother. There will be over forty guests and only 3 will be mine. I feel like I’m planning a party for someone else. I’m so sad disappointed and overwhelmed with emotion that I won’t have any supporters there for me on my weedy g day. There will be times I want to turn to a friend and I won’t have one.
The worst part is that they were all on board to come and be my wedding party all this time…. Now I have no wedding party either. But we have asked pol to be groomsmen and they are all attending.
Sorry to say that I’m not looking forward to my own wedding. The only silver lining is that I’m marrying my best friend and couldn’t ask for something more in a partner. I guess that’s the most important. But for some reason doesn’t help me be less disappointed or sad.
I’m kind of fearing the same for our wedding but reversed. We are having the wedding in his home state and mine (with most of my family) is a 24-26 hour drive away. I’m pretty sure a fair number of my hometown friends won’t make it but those who have already committed I am terribly excited about. The worst will be if my closest guy friend (my parents call him my second brother) is unable to attend.
That’s too bad for Mr. E.
Have you considered an online live feed, so that his family & friends back in the States can “share” your wedding ceremony with you? I’ve read of a few different people who have done this, and it apparently worked quite well. Just something to consider.
Aww, I’m sorry that Mr. E’s brother can’t make it!
I do feel guilty as well, but because I have a large extended family, and well… my Mister doesn’t. When we were putting together a preliminary list of whom to invite, his parents had ~30, whereas my parents had 100+, and with “our” list a mere 20 (we were trying to be reasonable, and putting our families first).
My mother’s mom can’t make it, either, because it’s just too darn hard to get out of the Philippines, even if just for a little bit. 
The same goes with my mom’s sister and her family… sigh.
That is really too bad, but unfortunately can happen when planning a destination wedding (even if out of necessity and not choice). It’s the same for me, any location we’d chosen would have been a destination wedding for two thirds of the guest list. So we chose the location we thought people would travel to more willingly and are crossing our fingers - but I imagine we’ll have disappointing moments and guilty feelings when we realize not all will be able to make it! But we’ll still make the most of it and be grateful to whom will be able to make it
What about setting up a webcam? I don’t know much about the logistics, but surely you could figure out a way to feed your wedding to a website that people could log into and watch? I knew someone that did this when she had her baby because her family was so spread out they couldn’t all fly in to be there in person. If that doesn’t work, hire a videographer - even if you just pay someone to film and not necessarily edit - and when you see the other people next time, you can watch the video together.
@Amy: and @kcroxyoursox: unfortunately we wont be able to have any web access in the garden, but Mr E’s parents will be doing some video recording to show his relatives.
Thanks for all the positive thoughts everyone!
[...] might remember that Mr E’s best man, who is also his older brother, couldn’t make it to the wedding. So instead he wrote a speech for Mr E’s honorary best man, Sam, to read. That [...]
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Mrs. Earrings, Fresno, CA/ Nelson, New Zealand Age and Occupation: 20, Student, Wannabe Writer Fiance's Age and Occupation: 19, Photography Student Engagement Date: February 14, 2010 Wedding Date: January 2011 Venue: Gardens of the World About Me: I'm a girl from down under who grew up in Indonesia and I'm marrying a California boy. I'm addicted to all things sweet, have never met a chocolate silk pie than can get the better of me, and have dreams of one day being a fulltime novelist. I go weak in the knees for lace, tea cups, and a beautifully crafted sentence. When I get excited about something (whether it is historical linguistics or the Beatles) I tend to go overboard in research, and planning this wedding is no different. Mr. Earrings is my high school sweetheart, my best friend, and somehow we combine all our quirks into one big happy mess.
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