Addressing Etiquette is My Arch-Nemesis

Addressing Etiquette is My Arch-Nemesis

January 5th, 2011 @ 1:24 pm by Mrs. Prairie Dog
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I swear, the “etiquette” part of addressing envelopes is driving. me. batty.

What I really wanted to do was this: Mr. John and Mrs. Jane Smith.

This is how I would want something addressed to me and Mr. PD if we shared the same last name. When I asked my mom, her Southern upbringing chimed in, and I ceded. Because…while I would crinkle my nose at receiving an invitation addressed to us as “Mr. & Mrs. John Smith,” Mr. PD’s grandmother, for example, would crinkle her nose at NOT being addressed that way. With a sigh, I just did it.

But then it got even murkier. I know that, technically, I’m supposed to use full, given names…but sorry—I feel weird calling my uncle “Robert Smith” when he goes by Bob and always has. (That was just a random name example, although I do love the Cure.) Maybe if we were having a black-tie, super formal, ballroom wedding, I would use full names. But we’re not. So I’m not. Miss Manners can sue me.

It gets worse. Do you know how you’re technically supposed to address something to a widow?
Mrs. John Smith.

I can’t. Even if she wouldn’t mind receiving it, I mind sending it. I can’t put his name on the envelope because it would be like looking his absence in the face. I feel it enough without having to stare at it in print. HOW can this be the “correct” thing to do? It’s just not, for me.

I guess all of this is to say: do what’s right for you. That’s what I’ll be doing from now on. You know your wedding’s atmosphere, the expectations of your guests, and your own gut instincts. Etiquette is there to help, but if you’re not really a manners buff, so what?

Anyone else saying “so what?” to address etiquette?

Tags: cincinnati, etiquette |

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50 Responses to “Addressing Etiquette is My Arch-Nemesis”

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Member

SandraMarie_1986 (message) 1,363 posts, Bumble bee

I know exactly what you mean.

1/5/11 @ 1:27 pm (reply)

Member

SandraMarie_1986 (message) 1,363 posts, Bumble bee

Address the envelopes in a way that makes you feel comfortable.

1/5/11 @ 1:27 pm (reply)

Member

Ms. Library (message) 1,250 posts, Bumble bee

Oh my God, I HATE receiving mail with Mrs. “Mr. Library’s first name” Library. It drives me nuts! I changed my last name, not my first name! I say screw etiquette and embrace modernism. And really know your audience (it’s okay to please Grandma if you need to!).

1/5/11 @ 1:27 pm (reply)

Bee

Miss Eggs Benedict (message) 339 posts, Helper bee

We just had to deal with all of this! And my mom’s Southern roots totally came out too. So we compromised. As long as I could address the invites to my friends (ppl my age) the way I wanted, she could address the rest however she wanted. But yeah, I’m definitely with you. When I receive mail, I would like for my name to be on it, too.

1/5/11 @ 1:27 pm (reply)

Member

mclove (message) 102 posts, Blushing bee

omg if I were a weddingbee blogger I would be writing about the same damn thing right now. I LOATHE etiquette. If I know the wife’s name, why the hell can’t I write it?! I am so not a feminist, but seriously?! We just have to be Mr. John Doe the rest of our lives? wth.

1/5/11 @ 1:30 pm (reply)

Bee

Miss Sloth (message) 3,184 posts, Sugar bee

I totally agree with you and wrote a very similar post (that got pretty heated) a while back:

http://www.weddingbee.com/2010/11/23/not-taking-his-last-name/

(I also used Jane and John Smith as an example, although I guess that’s pretty common)

Basically, in this case, I say EFF ETIQUETTE!

1/5/11 @ 1:33 pm (reply)

Guest

purplekelly

As an engaged woman, I can’t WAIT to be Mrs. Eric HisName. I think it’s adorable!

BUT, this post just inspired me to put the following on my Facebook: “If you receive a wedding invitation from us and don’t like something about it (i.e., the prompt to visit our website for extra details or the way it is addressed), please decline the invitation.”

Anyone who gets offended over how we send our invitations is someone I’d prefer not be at my party.

1/5/11 @ 1:38 pm (reply)

Member

808mjm202 (message) 764 posts, Busy bee

I agree - we did not stick to “true” etiquette either. Make your own rules!!!

As Sloth did, we dropped the Mr./Mrs. and just did Jane and John Smith or Jane Doe and John Smith for couples not maried. I do not think anyone will be offended.

1/5/11 @ 1:40 pm (reply)

Member

jo.lee (message) 5,820 posts, Bee Keeper

I definitely agree with you. I’m leaving off titles and just going with John and Jane Smith, like Sloth. If I’m used to putting the woman’s name first in conversation, than I put it first on the envelope, and vice versa for the men. I hate seeing just the man’s name, I think it’s pretty outdated, but I can see why you would concede :).

1/5/11 @ 1:41 pm (reply)

10.

Member

Knubbsy-Wubbsy (message) 2,395 posts, Buzzing bee

We had no idea at first how to address all the military personnel invited. Most of my friends are pacifists (90% are anabaptist) so when faced by a 2 star general and her colonel husband I started to panic… I mean, I didn’t even know there were names beyond 1-2-3-4 star!

1/5/11 @ 1:51 pm (reply)

11.

Member

Entangled (message) 2,616 posts, Sugar bee

@jo.lee: We did this with our save the dates and our plan is to do it again with the invitations. Woman first, man first, nickname, whatever… we just addressed them how we actually address the couple in real life.

We’re not having a particularly formal wedding and are not particularly formal people. We’re also very modern and I refuse to even consider addressing envelopes in a way that would offend me even if it wouldn’t bother the person receiving it.

1/5/11 @ 1:51 pm (reply)

12.

Member

mightywombat (message) 3,311 posts, Sugar bee

I’m REALLY going to offend the etiquette gods: I’m not using titles. My addresses are going to read: Robert and Elizabeth Browning, or Henry James and Edith Wharton, if they have different last names. It’s just simpler and easier than trying to remember if Margaret Mead, Ph.D., prefers to be Dr. Mead, Professor Mead, Ms. Mead, or Mrs. Gregory Bateson.

1/5/11 @ 1:51 pm (reply)

13.

Bee

Miss Lox (message) 1,128 posts, Bumble bee

The real etiquette on this freaks me right out. I’m having nightmares about how to designate children on envelopes and the like. It’s to the point where I’ve stopped considering it entirely out of self defense.

For the record, when our Save the Dates went out? There was a lot of “The Smith Family” going on on my envelopes. I’m sure Miss Manners rolled over in her grave.

1/5/11 @ 1:52 pm (reply)

14.

Member

jaimbar (message) 16 posts, Newbee

Same here. I’m in the middle of addressing invitations and even though it’s our wedding and a Big Deal, I feel like proper etiquette in this situation is kinda stuffy and outdated (at least for us). So I’m just addressing our invites using each person’s names as we know them and, like many others are doing, dropping use of titles — for example, “Rob and Jane Smith” or “Rob Smith and Jane Jones.”

1/5/11 @ 1:55 pm (reply)

15.

Member

madcat (message) 132 posts, Blushing bee

I’m going to do either Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Smith or John and Jane Smith, haven’t decided whether or not to use titles. Married couples with different last names or unmarried couples will be either Mr. John Smith and Ms. Jane Jones or John Smith and Jane Jones. Times change and Emily Post can haunt me if she likes.

It does feel a little odd to call very old women “Ms.”, but that’s the only title that doesn’t vary by marital status so that is the one I will use. The only person who gets “Mrs. John Smith” is my grandmother, because my mom has told me that she likes to remember my grandfather in that way.

1/5/11 @ 2:11 pm (reply)

16.

Member

CorgiTales (message) 9,861 posts, Bee Keeper

I felt the exact same way. So, I just didn’t tell my mom and I addressed the way I wanted to (bucking ALL tradition and going with “John and Jane Smith”… no Mr. or Mrs!). When my mom got her invite she was semi-appalled but I told her it was already done and she should count herself luckily that the addressing of envelopes was my most liberal political statement.

1/5/11 @ 2:29 pm (reply)

17.

Member

crayfish (message) 4,844 posts, Honey bee

I find many etiquette rules, the “Mr. and Mrs. John Smith” one included, to be a little offensive. They are arbitrary rules set in a time where women had little voice. Why do we continue to follow them??

1/5/11 @ 2:31 pm (reply)

18.

Member

shericamarie (message) 106 posts, Blushing bee

etiquette shmetiquette. i addressed them mr & mrs his & her theirlastname. and on the inside - i wrote uncle him and aunt her - or whatever applied.

on one - i even wrote “the almost mister & misses” cause they’ll be married a month before me. so they aren’t married yet - i don’t care. it made me happy

so sue me emily post.

1/5/11 @ 2:33 pm (reply)

19.

Member

asdf (message) 256 posts, Helper bee

I asked FIL for her work friend’s wife’s name so I could address their envelope. She couldn’t understand why I needed it. She said, “Just put Mr. and Mrs. John Smith”. When I explained that I didn’t like that, her response was, “Oh, that must be one of those things YOUR generation is weird about.”

1/5/11 @ 2:37 pm (reply)

20.

Member

shaydenise (message) 1,151 posts, Bumble bee

Bear in mind that while YOU may be offended writing “Mrs. John Smith” to a widow, SHE may be offended if you discount her marriage by not addressing it that way to her. I guarantee you my grandmother would have been.

1/5/11 @ 2:44 pm (reply)

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