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Does anyone else think that our generation of moms may have gotten the shaft when it comes to weddings? Don’t get me wrong—overall, my mom has been fantastic during this whole process (only one set of tears on my part so far, and that was due to not being able to communicate—we’re working on that!), but there’s something that I didn’t realize about my mom and weddings. She never really got to plan hers.
I had no idea about this until I was talking to her one day, and she mentioned how once she and my dad decided to get married, her mom pretty much took over. Booked the church, booked the country club, invited all the guests. My mom wore the same dress that her sisters had worn, the same mantilla veil that had been passed down in her family (that I get to wear, too!). I think she picked out her bridesmaids and what they were going to wear, so she probably also had some input on color scheme…but overall, she didn’t really get to plan her wedding. So how’s that fair?
She didn’t get to plan hers because her mom did, and now that I’m getting married she doesn’t get to plan mine because I am? Lame!
Of course this doesn’t mean that I’m going to just turn all planning over to my mom (ha—she’d probably hate me for that given how busy she is with everything in her life), but it does mean that I’m trying to be much more sensitive about her point of view on things. And including her wherever possible. And, if there’s something that’s important to her and I don’t have a strong opinion? Yeah, I want her to have her way. I’m glad that I realized this before the wedding because it gives me a chance to make sure to talk to my mom about as many things as possible (which, let’s face it, I do anyway, but now I make sure to listen to what she says!).
Anyone else come to this realization about your mom? Did it affect how you ended up planning your wedding at all?
I had the exact.same.thought. My Mom didn’t have a wedding at all (courthouse and Reno) and was so careful not to interfere with our planning, but oh, I could tell that she wanted to plan a wedding! I’m trying to convince her to do a vow renewal.
That is so sad about your mom. My mom never planned a wedding either. She just wore a simple white dress and my dad wore a new shirt and blue jeans to a pastor’s house and they were wed. So I really need to start including her more in my wedding planning. This was such an eye opener. Great post!
This was actually a really tough part of the planning process between my mom and me. My mom did get to plan her wedding, sortof–but it was all according to the demands of others since her wedding was kindof a big deal in her community. The saddest thing is, her mom didn’t help her at all so I feel like she really wanted to be involved in planning my wedding. It was difficult because my mom and I have very different personalities, tastes, and even culture (since she grew up in Korea in the 60s/70s and I was born here) and we clashed heads a lot on a lot, especially in the beginning but we got through it and I couldn’t have done it without her!
My mom’s DAD planned her entire wedding. Which meant that it was as low-budget and boring as possible, and took place eight hours away from the town where all their friends and family lived. I think my aunt had it even wosre - she had to wear my mom’s wedding dress as a hand-me-down in her own wedding. The bridesmaids dresses got reused too. So yes, I had the same epiphany that you did - I wasn’t going to let my mom’s opinions outweigh ours, but I tried to let her feel included and respected throughout the process.
Yes! My mom and dad eloped, not my mom’s choice. So I tried to involve her as much as possible, I know it meant alot to her. I’m sure it does to your mom, too!
My Mom hasn’t really gotten to plan a wedding either, but I don’t get the sense she really wants to. My Dad’s Mom planned my parents’ wedding, and she did it all in her apartment on two weeks’ notice. Otherwise they would have just gone to the courthouse, since they needed to be married to qualify for a mortgage on the house they were buying. So it was kind of important to be married already, but also something that they could have put off if planning a big wedding was more important.
There’s plenty of little things she has opinions on, but overall I get the sense that she thinks she dodged one there in avoiding the bulk of the planning work for either wedding.
The Moms of my generation all pretty much had our Moms plan our weddings. It’s just the way it was done, and to us , it wasn’t that big of a deal.
I had my gown made and picked a color for the napkins, and my only request was fresh flowers on my cake instead of a plastic cake topper. My Mom picked all the rest, as did all the Moms of all my friends…it’s just the way it was, and we didn’t fight it. That’s why I cringe when I hear thrown around ‘She’s HAD her wedding. Why is she trying to plan YOURS’???
I think a lot of the head butting comes into play because we expected to do it as our Moms did…and now we get pushed away. I’m happy you want to include her as much as possible. It makes for some happy memories. 
My mom didn’t plan hers either. She did get married really young though (two weeks before her 18th bday!) and so my grandparents pretty much planned everything. But I don’t think she was too disappointed. I tried to involve her in the planning of mine but living 3 hours away from her made it kinda difficult.
My parents got married the week after my mom graduated from college, and it was pretty low-key, so I’m guessing she didn’t plan much either. Luckily, I’m planning from afar and literally could.not.do.it.without.her. So she’s plenty included. Next week I’m actually going with her to pick out an MOB dress and I’m ridiculously excited!
I think my mom didn’t get to plan much of her first wedding, but she fully planned her second wedding to my stepdad about ten years ago - which got a lot of her wedding planning out! So she was open to me letting me do my own thing, with a bit of input from her, of course, but no full on controlling planning.
My FMIL didnt have a wedding and my FI is the youngest of 5 and last to get married no one included her in any of the wedding plans so i usually include her in a lot and she gets very emotional about it sometimes
As for my mother i try to include in as much possible but sometimes she doesnt show much emotion so i’m like nevermind and others she gets made if i make a decision without her so we bump heads a lot about that
Actually, I had to laugh when my cousin got married. She and her husband formally eloped to Vegas with their parents, siblings and grandparents. My other aunts were upset about that they weren’t invited. My cousin’s mom (obviously my aunt too) told everyone that she didn’t get the wedding she wanted since my grandma “made” her have a big wedding so now her daughter will have the small wedding my aunt wanted. I guess she didn’t see the irony in that.
My mom doesn’t seem to care, but I’m pretty sure my future MIL shares your sentiment. Her mom planned hers, and even though she just has a son, I think she really expected to be a big part of the planning! Hrmph.
Great post, I’ve never thought about it this way! My parents are divorced, and for obvious reasons my mom doesn’t talk about anything related to the marriage (i.e. wedding). But she mentioned once that she didn’t get to pick her wedding dress, because she ended up in an arranged marriage that transplanted her from Korea to America! Her future in-laws planned the whole thing, and she was essentially whisked off the plane to the wedding. Wow.
I’m definitely going to drag my mom (maybe kicking and screaming) through the ENTIRE process with me now muahaha xD
you know, I’ve never even asked. My parents had a lovely wedding, I’ve seen the pictures, I just don’t know if she actually planned it. Though.. judging by some of her comments I don’t think she did.
Some that stand out are.
“When I was young and someone wanted to get married on a budget, they just did a potluck”
That’s lovely except… over half our guestlist will be flying in… where exactly are they supposed to cook a dish to pass?
…*sigh* mothers out of touch with reality.
My parents had a very simple, small wedding. My grandparents were not present because they weren’t in the country yet. My mom borrowed a red dress, and during my dress-buying process, she often mentioned that she never got to have a white dress. When I first got engaged, she was freaking out about wedding planning and had plenty to say about clothing, color scheme, venue, etc. Which I totally get, because she is such a party planner type and never really got to have an all-out wedding. But now, after seeing ME stress out about wedding planning details and seeing how much thought I’ve put into the things, she’s backed off. I am delegating catering and cake responsibilities to her, though, and I let her okay my final decisions about most things.
Yep, totally. My mom got to pick the color of the BM dresses, pick her dress, and invite 2 friends. Literally. I have tried to defer to her when possible. Like flowers. I don’t care so I outsourced and she is taking care of it
@smyley: That’s a really interesting point, that it was just “how it was done.” I’m just really glad that I had this realization before the wedding when I can do something about it.
@CorgiTales: Exactly that. There have definitely been things that I have completely deferred to her because it’s not something that I don’t have a strong opinion about.
I think ultimately it’s just making sure that I communicated with her as much as possible. And it helps that I know she wants this to turn out as well as I do!
my mom was in the same situation. she didnt get to do anything for her wedding, her mom decided it al. so when i first got engaged i thought she didn’t care, but we talked about it and she said it’s because she didn’t get to decide one thing for her wedding and she wanted me to have the wedding i truly wanted.
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Mrs. Eggs Benedict, Seattle Age and Occupation: 29, Attorney Fiance's Age and Occupation: 35, Attorney Engagement Date: December 5, 2009 Wedding Date: February 2011 Venue: IslandWood About Me: I'm a Northwest girl who spends my time goofing around with Mr. Eggs Benedict and our dog, hiking, traveling, drinking wine and planning a wedding that will showcase the best of what the Pacific Northwest has to offer. I also love photography, beating Mr. Eggs Bene at Mario Kart, and watching the most ridiculous natural disaster flicks you can think of (seriously, how can you deny the awesomeness that is The Core or 2012?? That's right, you can't). We are planning our weekend wedding adventure at an environmental educational center, and I can't wait for the fun to begin!
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