Weddingbee Blog

A few days ago I received a phone call. I looked at my caller ID and saw that it was my mother. The same thought that occurs to me each time she calls me flickered in my mind…

Do I have enough time to answer her call?

I picked up the phone reluctantly and we began chatting about this and that…but then she said:

“I’m worried about you. I can read it in your writing, you’re not happy. You should enjoy this time in your life.”

And her words stuck with me.

So I’m here to apologize.

I normally don’t like when bloggers point something out about themselves that readers might not have noticed otherwise. However, now that I’m on the opposite side of the fence, I realize they were most likely doing what I am doing, and that is getting it out. I’m writing it down to let it all go.

So, I’m sorry hive. You signed up for my fun missteps in wedding planning and I’ve given you crabby Patty.

In high school our acting teacher made us wear paper hearts around our neck for a day. Each time something shitty happened to us, we were supposed to rip a piece of our heart and give it to whoever caused the rip.

I noticed in December that I wasn’t quite feeling myself and I tried to work through it. In hindsight it actually started in September and if I were to guess—most likely August. I realize that beginning in September I can remember a few instances where my heart tore. The costumes for our fall show were weighing heavily on my mind. I have a tendency to worry myself sick about the things piling up on my plate but never actually friggen do them until the last minute. So I spent an unbelievable amount of time worrying whether I could complete them rather than actually doing them.

All my stress and little heart tears here and there really started to compound and I found that among other things my blogging had suffered. I was no longer excited to work on all things wedding. Further complicating my feelings—-I had a classic case of a family member behaving badly. I made an honest mistake on one of the 153 addresses I’ve been keeping track of for the past two years. (And…as a side note: It’s interesting to see which family member is offended. It’s a family member who was never quite invested in my life in the first place.) It was the final tear in my heart. And, if I’m being completely honest, it aggravates me even more that it aggravates me. I shouldn’t care what this relative does or says—she’s never been there for me in the first place. So why do I give a shit? Why did I let it bother me? …And now you can see when I started to realize that something was terribly amiss.

In the past, when something hurt me, I would automatically distance myself from it. Because this particular incident happened during a wedding event, I mistakenly started to distance myself from the wedding. Because of this I had started to put off some of the major things that needed to be done…like the invites. I should not have made the mistake of blaming the wedding. I also should not have let this relative bother me as much as she did. Normally, I simply do not allow people into my life that cannot better it in some way. Too much of my energy was given to negativity, so why all the sudden had I let it back in? I’m not sure what the answer is to that question but I have identified the problem, and I’m hoping to piece together my heart from here.

So…with all of that behind me, and my heart on the mend, I vow to myself that I will enjoy these last three months. I will count my blessings every day. And goddammit I will find my funny. You deserve me at my best, but you’ve unfortunately seen (or at least…read) me at my worst.

It’s a new day. I can do anything (mistakes included!). I’m Miss murther furkin’ Zebra…and I’m back.