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I love my friends with a ferocity usually contained to lion prides. I’ve been through the best and worst times of my life with an amazing array of people, and there is an instinct in me to protect them from everything— from their snarky coworkers to jealous ex-girlfriends to their own mother-in-laws. They are the people who have carried me through my own hurt, so I can’t stand to see them hurt, you know?
So what would happen if one of them is going to marry the wrong person? Awhile back, an acquaintance of mine was talking to me about a wedding she was dreading the following weekend. It was the wedding of one of her childhood best friends, of a close group of a dozen or so people, and he was marrying his college girlfriend.
…who every single person knew was totally wrong for him.
“They’ll wind up divorced,” she said. The comment was so nonchalant, so certain, that I was rendered speechless.
“I, um,” I stuttered.
“I know,” she said, sighing. “That’s terrible to say. But, seriously, they’re totally incompatible and every single person knows it.”
I found words. “Has anyone talked to him about this?”
She shrugged. “No. We did consider it, up until right after they got engaged. Then it was like…they’re already planning a wedding, you know?”
That was two years ago. I believe they’re still married, but there have been a few “separations.”
And I have to wonder—what the crap are you supposed to do in a situation like that? Mind your own business, even though you feel confident that your friend is making a huge, painful mistake? I mean, chances are good that they’d get married anyway and just be furious with you. Or do you gently broach the topic, just so you’ll know you did everything you could to keep them from a difficult marriage or worse?
I hate to say this, but I think I’d shut up about it, even if it was so difficult to witness. BUT, if any of my family or friends felt that way about Mr. PD…I think I’d want them to tell me. Or at least say, “Are you really sure about this? It seems like things are a little rocky, and I feel like I’d be remiss not to ask.”
A blogger I like once wrote about entering into her first, ill-advised marriage. Her whole family knew it was the wrong thing for her and, even though they told her so, she wouldn’t—couldn’t—back out. Her older sister said, finally, “You know we are here for you now, and you know we will be here for you when it ends..” And it did. And they were.
What would you do? Has this ever happened to you?! I currently like all my friends’ significant others, and I’m really hoping that never changes! I doubt I can afford Taylor Swift’s fees to come and do my dirty work in song.
I actuallly feel this way about my best friend- who I LOVE dearly. She met her “soul mate” 5 months ago, I was there when they met- I witnessed the love at first sight, and I was a believer when she told me he was the one for her forever. He propsed to her 3 weeks after they met! That’s when I got a little weary but I didn’t say anything. They now live with each other and they are planning a wedding for June 2011!! When she asked me to be her MOH and help out- I reluctantly agreed. After getting to know him-I don’t think he’s right for her (he shared with me he used to be a ladies man) He makes an okay boyfriend but not a lifetime partner- besides that she is rapidly changing - I feel like I don’t even know her anymore. Three days ago, I asked her if she was sure this is what she wanted, and I voiced my opinion sharing with her that they should spend more time getting to know each other etc. Now she’s reconsidering having a wedding and they might just elope and not tell anyone! I don’t feel bad for saying what I said because if/when it doesn’t work out- I did my duty as her friend.
good for you! that’s exactly what i would want my best friend to do for me.
I was in this situation, and no one said anything. Then when it ended, I was pretty shocked/pissed that so many people I considered to be good friends said things like “Oh I always knew this was the wrong guy for you…” and stuff like that. Initially I was steaming because, well, no one told ME when it would have mattered. Then I realized, I probably wouldn’t have taken them seriously anyway, would have just gotten mad at them (like you said in your post). Sometimes, we have to make our own mistakes I guess.
My best friend married the wrong guy. He’s absolutely wrong for her but I, and no one else, said anything because he is a “good enough” guy in general. But terribly wrong for her. I couldn’t tell her how I felt because she was battling her own issues with her parents and I had to stand by her while she suffered through these hardships. As a friend, I thought/think(?) my duty is to be there for her but to let her live her own life. I can’t stand her husband but am always cordial and I hide my true feelings for her sake.
I wished more people had voiced their opinions to me about my ex. My family were the only ones, and well, we have a patchy history anyway (they can be quite controlling and manipulative) so I didn’t listen. Once I got out of it, several people told me they “had a feeling” that it would happen (ie, the physical abuse). Who has those feelings and never tells their friend? How horrible is that? It really damaged a lot of my friendships, because I felt they didn’t care enough to look out for me. I think if you’re worried about a friend, you need to speak up, but in a smart way. Talk to her and find out whether she’s truly happy, or just faking it. Tell her you have a few concerns, and what they are. And let her/him know that if they ever want to talk, you’ll be there to listen without judging. At least that way they know you care.
One of my closest friends is rushing a marriage that none of her family approves of and we [her friends] are too “nice” [read:scared] to tell her we agree with them. Originally they were planning a 2012 wedding, which seemed far enough away that maybe they would realize it wasn’t the best idea. However, they decided to speed up the process and are getting married this spring. I think her reasons are similar to the blogger you linked to, but I would have no idea how to call her out on that without losing her as a friend in the process. I guess I don’t really have anything to add to this discussion other than it totally hits home for me!! If anyone has amazing advice I’m all ears.
That is a really tough call! Judging for someone else who is “right” or “wrong” for them is impossible in my opinion, as the vision we have of others is never complete or 100% unbiased.
I think I would step up and say something if my friend was in a toxic or abusive relationship, or if I knew something really bad about her partner. If not, I would not say anything as it’s not my place to judge if her partner is right or wrong for her (but I wouldn’t fake loving him either)
Great post.
I’ve had this issue with my sister. My whole family sat her down and explained why we were concerned. She broke up with him…and then lied when they got back together because she was afraid of what we would say.
She recently married him. He’s not a bad guy (in fact, he has some excellent qualities and I know that he cares deeply for my sister and our family), but he has significant issues that he is unwilling to address and his family makes her miserable. It’s difficult, at times, to watch, but it’s her decision. I honestly feel like we couldn’t have done anything more.
What’s difficult IS saying something and having that person not listen, go back to the guy and then still call you crying or, in my case, your forced to watch the guy be rude/condescending. My dad, in particular, has a difficult time keeping his mouth shut…and has failed to do so on a number of occasions. It’s hard not to feel like I’ve failed as an older sister in my protection of her….and I know that my parents have questioned what they have done to make her think that some of the stuff he does is acceptable.
I’m glad I’ve continued to speak my mind, but you really have to pick your battles. You don’t want to alienate your friend so that she is afraid to approach you when it’s over. My sister’s period of lying to everyone about getting back together with him (we all knew she was lying) was one of the most difficult times in our relationship….but I can be more supportive and a better sister if I just let some things go and hope for the best.
Someone very dear to me entered into a horribly volatile relationship a while back. I think so many people voiced their concerns (including me) that this person was forced to be defensive and wanted to prove everyone wrong. In retrospect, I would have phrased things in a positive context, e.g. “Are you happy? I want what’s best for you.” instead of “This isn’t right for you.” It’s delicate, but I think it’s possible to be supporTIVE of a friend without supporTING the relationship.
@Lexsy:
That’s a good way to put it…
My very good friend is dating a terrible guy. He’s not abusive or toxic, he’s just a million times wrong for her. (As in, she’s a successful 35 independent career woman and social butterfly. He’s a 24 year old immature free loader who is not friendly to any of her friends. What is she thinking…). She lately has been asking me for my favorite wedding websites because she knows he’s “the one”. I haven’t said anything yet. I don’t know if I will. He’s not a horrible human being, he’s just.. wrong.
@Mrs. Mary Jane: @Mrs. Sand Dollar: i thought to write this post because i was watching an episode of friends…where ross comments that it would be nice if ANYONE would have told him they thought his ex-wife might be gay.
i think the hard thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same…but i don’t know which is harder- keeping your mouth shut or saying something!
@Anne: have you seen the episode of SATC where charlotte marries trey? i remember carrie saying something that was very kind, giving her a way out if she wanted it. (she didn’t.) i think a lot of people have left some great advice in these comments!
@ArwenBride: it would be so hard if it were a sister =/ sorry you guys are going through that!
@Miss Tartlet: i love that- supporTIVE vs. supporTING. big difference, but a delicate line.
My best friend rushed into marrying a guy who wasn’t right for her at all! They moved in together after a few months of meeting, and the wedding came soon after. It’s not that he wasn’t a good guy, because he certainly was. They were just not right for each other at all!
I felt obligated at least to ask her things like “you sure you want to do this?”, “you sure he’s the right guy?”, “why the rush?” Deep inside she knew she was not doing the right thing, but ignored her feelings. She ignored the concerns of her close friends and family, as well as her own, because she felt like she had to go through it. About six months folllowing the wedding, they separated, then soon after mutally decided to divorce.
That is such a tough situation. I like to think that I’d say something, but I have a feeling I’d keep it quiet. On another note, I LOVE the Taylor reference!
Yeah, my best friend of 8 years severed our relationship because I told her her crap ass bf was cheating on her, and had their entire relationship. Gave her specific instances, names, dates, everything. She asked him, he denied it, she believed him! They are still together, but just moved back to his hometown, so I wonder how long til he does this to her, with someone there. I told her I didn’t want to be her friend anymore, and that I couldn’t watch her ruin her life for such a pos.
I am the type of person who will be honest, even brutally so, with my friends. The real ones know it and accept it, even if they don’t believe what i’m saying is true.
I did speak up one time. She was not thrilled with my concerns to say the least. They are still married but most agree that he is controlling of her. But maybe she’s ok with it? IDK. It is a very hard all to make.
It’s sad when people know deep down they are doing the wrong thing but feel like they HAVE to go through with it. No, you absolutely don’t! I’ve seen it happen both ways. I have a cousin whose financee told him weeks before the wedding that she wanted to back out but he talked her into it, calling it cold feet. Well, she meant it, and they were annulled within a year. Another cousin married a jerk she KNEW was cheating on her and was separated in two months! On the other hand, a friend’s wedding was canceled with two months to go and everyone on both sides was so relieved! Everyone knew it was wrong! It may be embarrassing but it’s much easier to end these things BEFORE signing the legal document! Listen to your feelings, people! 
I kind of agree with Sand Dollar and Tartlet about being a good friend by being supportive but giving them an out. If it seems to a girl that everyone likes her SO, she may squash her doubts. If everyone hates him, she might not feel comfortable confiding in her friends because they’ll hold it against her later if they try to work things out. My best friend was on the verge of getting engaged to a really nice, chivalrous, loving guy…who just wasn’t who I saw her with. And from knowing her as long as I have, I was sure she’d realize that eventually and feel suffocated (which she did before she accepted the ring, thank goodness). But at the time, I said, “You know, I wouldn’t have really seen you ending up with someone like ____. But if he makes you happy, then that’s all that matters.” I don’t think it made a difference, but it might have made her consider things a little closer while still letting her know I supported her. And if she ended up with him, I hadn’t drawn any lines in the sand that I couldn’t cross.
It’s hard though. I would want my closest friends to say something to me if they thought my FI was the wrong guy, but it would definitely be awkward and I probably wouldn’t listen.
Great topic. This sticky situation has come up twice recently… and we still aren’t sure what the right thing to do is. We ultimately decided to say nothing as we don’t presume to know everything about a couple and doubt any well intended advice would be received as such.
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Mrs. Prairie Dog, Cincinnati Age and Occupation: 24, Program Coordinator Fiance's Age and Occupation: 25, PhD/Biomedical Engineer Engagement Date: December 18, 2009 Wedding Date: May 2011 Venue: Glendale Lyceum About Me: I'm a pilgrim soul of a girl with a house full of books and a coffee addiction that could slay Juan Valdez. My life is a whirl of grammar correction, good music, glue-gunning, and two pets named Hazel and Winston Churchill. I'm marrying my high school boyfriend in a formal-ish spring affair, roughly themed: "Elizabeth Bennet crashes a party co-hosted by Jay Gatsby and Cath Kidston, and loves it."
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