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Disclaimer: Choo choo! Here comes the depressing-post train! I didn’t mean for it to be such a downer, but after rereading it, it’s a little sad.
Right now I’m knee deep in addressing and finishing our STDs, which I can’t wait to reveal! First, though, I want to talk a bit about something I think many of us detail-oriented brides forget: life. It happens regardless of how obsessed we all get during wedding planning.
A few days ago, my great uncle passed away. He was a wonderful man who accomplished some great things in his life as a doctor, husband, and father. The death was fairly sudden, and it broke me out of my “must finish STDs” wedding-planning sunshine-and-rainbows trance.
I’m not that great at conveying my feelings, but I’ll try to. My uncle was a really great guy. He also loved my great aunt so much. They fit very well together. It wasn’t a mushy, vomit-inducing love. It was more of a mutual respect and fondness for one another. They were just happy to be together. Their relationship reminded me of my own with Mr. Biscuit. I know that I should be happy that he was able to live over 80 wonderful years, but it still really sucks to lose someone.
Now, I feel kind of selfish. Here I am, spending hours designing things and using a glue stick, while a close family member of mine is gone. This doesn’t seem like a time to celebrate love; it seems like a time to mourn. I also don’t know when this mourning period would appropriately be over. I know it would be gauche to send a save the date to the family right now, but when is it time to stop mourning and begin to celebrate again?
Anyone have a death in the family while wedding planning? When did you decide it was time to stop mourning?
I’m so sorry that you’ve lost someone that means so much to you. You definaetly deserve to take time out to grieve and mourn. But, I also think that having something to look forward to and celebrate is a good thing to have too. I know a little of how you feel. The week I was sending out invitations, my favorite uncle was undergoing a surgery where he had a less than 50% chance of making it out of the OR alive. I was confused about whether I should send the invitation that day or wait until after the surgery to see how things turned out but then the idea of sending an invitation to just my aunt seemed horribly sad. My husband made me mail them because he knew how excited their family was to go to the wedding, and regardless of how things turned out, the wedding was something their family was excited about and something they were looking forward to. I think you should send your STDs because even though its a sad time for your aunt, I imagine that she would also be happy for you and be looking forward to your wedding. If you feel uncomfortable about sending an STD, definitely send her a card or a note just reminding her that you love her and are thinking about her. She probably knows when you wedding is. Again, so sorry youre having to go thru this.
first, i am so sorry for your loss. my prayers are with you and your family.
as for your question, i would send the save the dates out at your regularly scheduled time, but include a handwritten note along with the STD to your great aunt, their children and grandchildren about how sorry you are for their loss, how great it would be able to see them soon, and to let you know if they need anything.
when my grandmother passed away recently i was *crushed*. she was an amazing woman who lived an amazing life-but she wanted her life celebrated not mourned, and the *biggest* part of her life was her family.
but in the end, only you will truly know when it’s time.
My Great Aunt died just before her 97th birthday. Right after my FI and I got engaged I contacted my Aunt (my Great Aunt’s daughter) and asked for her help getting our venue, (the ballroom at her retirement community) just a few short weeks later my CioCia (it means Aunt in Polish) died. I let my Aunt decide when she was ready to move on with helping me and luckily we have our venue. I miss CioCia very much… I’m very sad that she won’t be able to take part in our planning but I’m very glad I started this process before she passed away. It gave me an excuse to see her and I know she was really happy for me.
I think you should continue to work on your STDs and send them out in a week or so, If he was as awesome as you say, he would have wanted you to move on…
So sorry you and your family. I agree with what kirafiki suggested. Send the STDs, but include a private message to those that were closest with your uncle. It is hard to remember sometimes that life still happens while you are wedding planning, but the people that care about you will not resent you for the upcoming celebration.
I’m very sorry for your loss. My husband’s great aunt died 2 weeks before our wedding, but she was very old and was in a hospice, so it was expected.
It was hard for my husband to think about the wedding after, but my in-laws made a point to remind him that she would have absolutely wanted him to be happy, and to not spend the lead-up to our wedding sad and mourning.
My great aunt died the day before my sister’s wedding! It was sudden and fast and a shocker for everyone. Everyone agreed, though, celebrate now and grieve later. She would have wanted it that was and was looking forward to the wedding very much. It was such a fear of mine leading up to our wedding that someone would pass away.
Mr. G and I lost a friend a week ago. I feel lost and I have no desire to blog or work on wedding projects. It’s made me kind of lose motivation.
It’s like, why would I be thinking about my wedding at a time like this?
I’m with you B, feeling so lost.
Please pardon my rudeness… I went straight into my story and didn’t even acknowledge your uncle’s passing. I’m very sorry for your loss, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
I’m so, so sorry, B. I don’t have anything to offer up here, other than to say that every couple goes through their own unique set of challenges during an engagement. This one is especially difficult. My thoughts and prayers are with y’all right now.
We lost my grandmother when we were 12 months out from the wedding. It was hard to know that she won’t be with us on our day, but I know that in the wake of something sad, my family is glad to have something happy on the way! Hopefully, your family can embrace this, too!
Aw, B, sending big bee hugs your way. It’s nice to hear that your great uncle and aunt are inspiration to you and mr. b - hopefully this will be some motivation for you two as you continue to plan your awesome wedding. 
we’re always here for you!
I feel you, Biscuit. I’m so sorry about your great uncle. Losing a family member is tough, no matter how old he was.
My grandmother died a couple weeks ago, and I felt so guilty when people asked me about my wedding at her memorial service on Sunday. I felt like that day should be all about her and her life, not me and my silly wedding. But life DOES go on, and I think people like to focus on happy occasions. I think it helps the recovery process to have something good to look forward to, you know?
I feel you too. My mom died on January 13th. The original Save the Date crafting party was meant to be in November but that was the day she was hospitalized. Therefore, we have not even gotten to ours yet either. Family members keep telling me I have to keep planning, that is what she would want me to do, but losing your mother and best friend puts quite the damper on planning and takes the excitement out of silly details.
So sorry for your loss, Biscuit. It sounds like you were close to your Great Uncle and Aunt, and it’s wonderful that they could be role models for you as you begin your married life.
Deaths, births, marriages are all such significant events in life. The pain and sorrow of losing someone you love, is balanced by new life and new beginnings. I see it as the ‘yin and yang’ of life. My grandmother was dying of cancer when FI proposed. She was able to celebrate with us and even share a champagne toast. She died about a week and a half later. It was kind of weird to have people say “Sorry for your loss” and “Congratulations!” in the same conversation at the funeral.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s ok to mourn and be sad, but it’s also ok to be happy and excited about the wedding. Your family surely feels the same. Maybe there are some ways you can honor your Great Uncle at the wedding? I don’t think there’s a set time when mourning “stops”, but it’s probably appropriate to send out the STDs a couple of weeks after the funeral. In the meantime, take the time you need.
[...] Life Happens | Weddingbee weddingbee.com/2011/02/01/death-during-wedding-planning/ – view page – cached Disclaimer: Choo choo! Here comes the depressing-post train! I didn’t mean for it to be such a downer, but after rereading it, it’s a little Tags [...]
and so sorry to hear about your loss 
My grandmother just passed on the 17th, and while everyone was gathering, they kept saying they would see me at the wedding, and I didn’t want to talk about it. I had been thinking of this big elaborate plan to get my grandparents to the wedding and now that wont happen. I just iddn’t think it was the time to be talking about it.
I don’t think you’re selfish at all, it’s ok to grieve, but still try and plan. Maybe think of a way to incorporate his memory into the event? Good luck and I am sorry for your loss.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I am planning to be married in June and recently had my father’s best friend die suddenly of a rare form of cancer. The family is very close to mine and the death literally happened the day before the STDs were to go out. After talking with my mother about it (who was also extremely close to this man and his family) we decided the best thing to do was to forego the STD and send a wedding invitation when they go out in March. The family already knew about our plans and did not NEED a STD. Once March rolls around, we will be sending an invite. I hope this helps you out.
Losing a family member is tough, especially during such a supposedly happy time in your life. We lost his grandmother just days after announcing our engagement… And his grandfather passed a year later, almost to the day. Another relative lost his battle with ALS the year before. While we are sad, we and the family are ready for a wedding.
I’m so sorry to hear about your great uncle. It does seem that it makes it even more difficult when a passing is sudden.
My situation was a little different from yours but maybe something here will help a little…my paternal grandfather passed away the Wednesday before my Saturday wedding in November. His passing wasn’t really sudden, his condition had been deteriorating for some time and he had gone into kidney failure earlier that week. I was staying at my parents’ and when my aunt (my dad’s twin sister) called to tell us about his passing, she asked to speak with me before hanging up. She told me not to let this get me down because my grandfather wouldn’t have wanted that; he would have wanted everything to go on as planned and for us to have a beautiful wedding.
I think that if there are some in your family who you think would be offended to receive their STDs too soon, then you could give it a couple weeks. You could also include a brief note of sympathy with them and mention that you admired the love that your great uncle and aunt had for one another and you want to honor that at your own wedding and that you hope the relatives can be there.
I don’t know your family, but not one of my family members was offended by us going on with our wedding and we all felt drawn together during the reception, dancing and laughing together and enjoying the time together although it was bittersweet, and all knowing that now both of the grandparents who bound us together have passed on and we have to maintain our own ties to one another as well as live out our own lives because it’s what they would’ve wanted.
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Mrs. Biscuit, Morgantown, WV Age and Occupation: 24, Dental Student Fiance's Age and Occupation: 26, Chemist at a pharmaceutical company Engagement Date: April 2010 Wedding Date: July 2011 Venue: Catholic Church, Lakeview Golf Resort and Spa About Me: I'm an engineer who decided to trek back to my hometown three years ago to become skilled in the arts of drilling and filling. I'm engaged to a pretty awesome guy who tests your assorted benzodiazepines by day and home brews by night. Together we have two fur children, Tsali and Tobias N. Fünkat. I'm a lazy perfectionist and eternal sorority girl who enjoys running, crafting, string cheese, good beer, and bad reality TV. We are planning a Big Fat Italian/Sicilian/Polish wedding filled with DIY details and are expecting 300 +/- 50 guests. Our whimsical summer affair is themed "Alice attends the Mad Hatter Vintage Garden Tea Party in a Ballroom. She Thinks That The Venue is Odd for a Vintage Garden Party, but is Tripping on LSD, so She Doesn't Really Care." Yes, I am the Dickens of themes.
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