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I never had a doubt in my mind that I would take Mr. Starfish’s name. I just didn’t know anyone growing up who did otherwise.
In the past couple years, I’ve seen things differently. In my work culture, it’s actually pretty normal for a woman to keep her own name, hyphenate, or turn her maiden name to her middle name. In this day and age, it really seems like there is no “standard.” I never assume a woman is going to take her husband’s name. I think it’s great that women now choose, yet there was no real questioning on my part on whether or not I’d do it.
Having recently changed my name officially (well sort of—I’m still sifting through all the paperwork with credit cards, banks accounts and all the other little details I’m probably forgetting), I’ve experienced this loss that I didn’t expect.
The first time I saw “Mrs. Starfish” pop up as an e-mail, I kind of did a double take—like, really? Who is that?
I’ve been dreaming of becoming Mrs. Starfish for seven years, yet the significance of the name change didn’t hit until I saw it in my inbox. I like the sound of my new name, but I’m also missing the sound of the old one. I had it for 26 years, and BAM! I have a new identity. It’s very strange.
What I’m wondering is, if I had truly given myself the choice pre-wedding to decide what I really wanted to do, would the change have felt differently? Would I have felt more prepared for it? I don’t regret changing my name at all, but I have had feelings I wasn’t expecting.
If you changed your name post wedding, how did you feel? Did you always know you’d change it, or did you consider the change carefully?
I can imagine it being really difficult to transition. I have a really difficult to pronounce name, so I’m somewhat excited to be able to have people say it without embarrassment of messing it up! *my name sounds kind of like a dirty word too!*
Sorry you are feeling this way, but I can totally relate. When we got married in December, there was no doubt I would change my name. Now, it feels so weird - even saying it out loud makes me feel like an imposter. Sigh. Oh well. I am hoping it is something that I just have to get used to.
I went through the same exact thing and recently wrote about it. It’s definitely an adjustment and am having less anxiety about it as time moves on and it’s “normal” for me to see my new name is ME.
I definitely went through (and am still going through) an adjustment period. I dont know when it will start feeling like MY name - but it hasnt happened yet. I kind of wish I could have my old name back!
I changed my first name in college…or more precisely, college changed my name. I always went by my middle name growing up, but none of my professors ever remembered, and I just let them call me Melini. My classmates picked up on Melini and eventually became friends. When I moved across the country I surrendered to the new name rather than having half of my friends know me as one name and half as another. (I missed a lot of phone calls when a co-worker would say, “No, there’s no one by that name here…”
I can totally relate to the sense of strangeness…like you’re using a false name. It’s also a hassle on paperwork and such. Eventually, your “old” name will come to seems like someone else’s name too, and the new one will feel like the one you’ve always had.
I plan on taking his last name and you would surprise at the number of famil members that asked why wasn’t I hyphenating it… Although I am sure it will take some getting use to I am excited for the change.
Wow, you took the words right out of my mouth. This is exactly how I have been feeling…I mean, I am happy to be Mrs. hislastname, but I sorta miss being Ms. myoldlastname.
I was particularly bummed when I tried to search my work database for documents I created prior to the wedding and nothing came up under my old last name! All of my work product had been transfered and is now under my new name. I don’t know why it was upsetting, but it was.
I asked DH to call me by my full new name though so I can start getting more used to it.
The name changing thing is tough. I’m glad it keeps coming up on the hive! I am keeping my last name for now. I’ll change it when / if we have kids. But, it has been a touchy subject for us for sure!
I took my ex-husband’s name because my mother said I HAD to (made sense, also, since I was pregnant and in this state, the kid automatically gets dad’s last name if you’re married….)
So, I have this awesome last name that makes me the ONLY one around with it. (honest, I’m the only one in my area with the name that I know of).
My FI wants me to keep it, since his is kinda “normal”. So, I am!
I felt the same, kind of sad about losing my old name, but excited to get the new one. I opted to keep my maiden name as my second middle name. It’s kind of a hassle with certain things, and I’m absolutely the only one it matters to, but I just wanted to keep it. I go by Myfirst Hislast, no hyphen or anything, so it’s just my own little thing. I can say now, almost 4 months since the wedding, my new name IS starting to feel like ME. And I love when people call us The Lastnames. The last thing to get used to is my new initials– I keep signing things with my old ones!
This is totally interesting, S. I’m still on the fence about it, myself.
Oh, this is exactly how I feel! I legally changed everything, and changed it at work too, and it’s so much harder than I expected. When asked to sign my name I still sign my maiden name all of the time. I am not internally prepared for my new name identity yet. Husband keeps calling me by my maiden name too, then catching himself and saying “oh yeah that’s not your name anymore”. It’s strange for both of us! I’m looking forward to feeling normal with the Mrs. title.
I think it’s going to take a while to get used to - I mean, you’ve had yourlastname for SO many years, it’s just a part of you. And to suddenly change? Wow. It’ll be interesting to see how I cope with it. Great post!
I changed my name and I’m glad I did. Right after I got married, everyone made a big deal about calling me “Mrs. Hislastname”, which I thought was kind of cute. We got married in early October and I still get kind of a thrill signing my name, though when people refer to me solely by last name, I want to tell them that’s hubby, not me!
If I had it to do again, I’d still change my name. And be a little better prepared for the mountain of paperwork that accompanies a name change.
I’m wondering how weird I’ll actually feel about changing it (I’m hyphenating though). Right now, we live near his parents who are well-known in our work community, so I’m constantly referencing them. His name is really uncommon, so his family is the only people I’ve ever known with it, and they’ve welcomed me into their family all along. I feel like if I called myself “OBG Hislast” here, it wouldn’t be that strange. But to call myself that at home, where my family is from, would feel totally bizarre. I guess that’s why I’m hyphenating - so I get to be both!
Great post, Starfish! I’ve been loving all of your recaps, but this post was good because I feel like a lot of people may be feeling this way, but no one talks about it. It’s nice to know others feel this way, because I’ve felt the same feelings you described. It’s very strange to have a new name all of a sudden, and like you, I don’t regret it at all, but I think we will get used to it over time. A woman I work with said something interesting to me, after being married 12 years, her maiden name sounds “weird” to her when she hears it. She told me, don’t worry, you’ll get used to it!
You know, I always knew I would change my last name when I married. However, I hold my last name so dear to me, because I am the only girl in my family, the only one with this last name, as my father, whom I have never met left to his country shortly after my birth to help his family, we lost contact, and I never saw him again. I have grown attached to the only thing that links me to him. As much as I am going to be so happy to take my FI’s last name, I know many tears will be shed over losing the one I carry now. I’ve considered hyphenating, but not sure that is something I want to do. It has a lot to do with the fact, I think our last names sound horrible hyphenated. lol
You’re making me feel bad, Starfish. We were date twins, and the furthest I’ve gotten is changing my email address - and even that is only because I’m in IT and manage my own! 
Oh, and I joined facebook post wedding, so I just signed up with my new last name…
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Mrs. Starfish, Boston/Newport Age and Occupation: 25, Operations Assistant Fiance's Age and Occupation: 25, Sales Engagement Date: October 8, 2008 Wedding Date: October 2010 Venue: The Atlantic Beach Club About Me: I'm a perfectionist who is a planner at heart. I don't do well with surprises. I love planning, crafting, Newport RI, family and friends, and most importantly, Mr. Starfish---all of which will be big components in our October wedding in our favorite little city by the sea.
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