Weddingbee Blog

Recently, I spent several minutes convincing my husband to spend a large chunk of money on a component for a home theater system. Me, the girl who is generally content with the single, garbly built in speaker on her cell phone. Why would I want Mr. Mary Jane to waste his money on something so unnecessary? (Completely unnecessary because um, we already own a decent component; this was simply an upgrade.)

Let’s explore this topic.

I don’t know about you, but I spend money on myself on a regular basis (and I don’t even consider myself to be a shopper). But I buy handbags (even though I have perfectly good ones in my closet at home). I buy shoes. I buy makeup and hair products. I get my hair cut at a nice salon. I get it colored. I get manicures once in a while. Unless you are truly strapped for money (and even if you are), you probably spend money on yourself in at least some of these same ways. And you probably do this while also contributing to any savings or debt reduction plans you may have decided to follow. Do you ask your significant other before you buy that cute Kate Spade bag from TJ Maxx? (I mean, you can’t not buy it at 40% off, right?!) Does your fiance have any idea how much your latest cut and highlights cost? (We can try to convince ourselves this is a necessary, but we know it isn’t.)

To give this funny little money post some background: I frequently see posts on the boards (and on some of the blogs I follow) about women’s money frustrations with their significant others. The situation is usually something like this:

I am so pissed at my fiance! He spent $100 on a sporting event ticket! Doesn’t he realize we could have used than $100 toward the favors for the wedding?! He is an insensitive jerk!!!

Now think again about your $30 foundation and your $21 mascara and your $14 sunless tanning lotion. What does your man buy for himself? I bet he doesn’t buy makeup! I somehow doubt that most guys—unless they have a really serious hobby or they’re a dedicated metrosexual—spend as much money on a daily/weekly basis as we ladies tend to do. (Hey, beauty rest can only do so much! Sometimes, we gotta break out the credit card.)

My question is this. Shouldn’t men be able to buy stuff for themselves, too? Since when did it become OK for women to spend tons of money on themselves, their beauty, and their interests and chalk it up to “looking good” or “this is for our home”? (The home doesn’t need that set of vases or picture frames or whatever, by the way. You just thought they were cute and looked like something you saw in Domino.) Obviously, everyone manages their finances differently. Some people jointly manage money. Some people keep separate accounts. Others do both, or have other inventive variations that work for the way they earn, spend, and save. But my point (I do have one) is: both people should be allowed to determine how to spend some of their money, if such ’fun’ spending fits in to the budget.

Ladies, here’s the thing. Your man does not realize that his $100 would have been better used to buy your maid of honor’s bouquet. Or a gift for his father. Or a new vanity for the bathroom in your house. In most cases, he hasn’t been informed of this by you or anyone else. Perhaps you two have set a savings goal into which you each contribute money each month (toward the wedding, house, or whatever you’re currently saving for). Beyond that—in my opinion—he has no obligation to you. No more obligation than you have to ask him before you refill your Aveda hair products. Asserting that he shouldn’t have spent money on something silly or useless is petty, in my opinion. This thought occurred to me very clearly when Mr. MJ stood in our kitchen holding my new Louboutin pumps and stated, “well, I don’t think I’d spend $600 for this, but I’m glad you like them.”

Don’t let yourself fall in to the trap of “if it’s not for us, and it’s not for our home, and it’s not for me to look/feel good, we aren’t buying it.” I know, it sounds harsh when I say it that way. But for a lot of women, it’s true. I know a lot of very hard-working men who quip to coworkers that they’d love to have [whatever], but the wife won’t approve the purchase. Then the wife shows up in a pair of Manolos with a nice Coach bag under her arm. Hmmmm.

So back to the home theater component. Mr. MJ clearly wanted it. Clearly. But he wasn’t going to buy it, partially because he’d been conditioned by society to think that he isn’t the one who gets to buy things. He felt had to ask me first. Even though it was his money he wanted to spend. (As we discussed above, a lot of women would have been thrilled to be consulted. But I think it’s ridiculous that he’d feel a need to ask.) My mantra is: if you can pay your savings and bills, and you can afford it, I have little say in what you buy as long as you keep it responsible. It was only after I pointed out many things I had purchased recently for myself (mainly without asking him) that he reasoned that maybe he could buy this for himself. He literally could not remember the last time he had bought something for himself, other than a paperback or two.

The major moral of the story here is fairness. Sometimes, in a relationship, we need to adopt an attitude of “to each his own.” Of course, occasionally there is a situation where someone is simply awful at managing money, or where belts need serious tightening but one of the partners is having trouble jumping on board. That’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about tolerance of your partner’s needs, wants, and habits. Money was the subject here, but finances aren’t the only time in which tolerance can be applied. You will have a much more peaceful, happy relationship if you’re an encouraging and understanding spouse. Sometimes that understanding simply comes in the form of keeping your mouth shut about something you don’t understand. Chiding your significant other with questions like “Why would you want THAT?!” or “That isn’t what *I* would do.” is like telling them their hobby, their thoughts, or the things they do are stupid. And therefore, you’re indicating that you think your partner is stupid. It isn’t nice.

A life long partnership isn’t about being joined at the hip and sharing all the same hobbies and values. And it isn’t about treating your partner like a child who must be molded and changed to fit your lifestyle. And it’s definitely not about tearing your partner down when he indulges in the things he loves most. If everyone was a little bit more understanding with their significant other—picking their battles, learning when to keep quiet, and allowing for differences in opinion and habit—I think we’d all have much happier and healthier relationships.

I’ll get off the soap box now. My best relationship advice is: BE MORE UNDERSTANDING, AND LEARN WHEN TO ZIP YOUR LIP!

What’s your best relationship advice?