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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…
Just kidding! But wedding planning does make you think like that sometimes, doesn’t it? For realsies.
Anyway Hive, here’s a weird story for you. This was all back in Mid-December, by the way. Sure, it was a little while ago, but just go with it.
(source)
I live with the Giraffe parents, and we get a local newspaper a few days a week, and the Chicago Trib on Sunday mornings. Shortly before the holidays, we received our paper and rubber-banded to the outside of it was a half sheet of orange construction paper.
When we opened the paper, that was clearly cut (possibly with kid’s scissors) in half. It said in marker “Merry X-mas.” On the side, also in sloppy marker handwriting was a name, address, and “NO checks.” There were also two snowflakes drawn with blue marker—I guess that made it festive.
Okay, wait, what? Clearly our paper person was expecting something from us for the holidays. I think this is weird. It would be one thing if we had made our own decision before they left us the note, but we didn’t. I also think it’s weird because, my family has never once even seen our paper delivery person. They drop they paper off super early. What it seemed like to us, was that this person whom we’ve never seen, talked to, or received any other notes from before, was expecting a gift from us.
I’m sure you guys know where I’m going; this is a wedding site, after all 
What about wedding gifts? Do we/should we expect them?
Until I got into wedding planning, I had no idea how expensive weddings can be. I now try to follow the rule of covering your plate, but I realize this doesn’t always happen. The last wedding Mr. Giraffe and I attended together, we gave a gift of $50 for the both of us. I doubt it covered both our plates, but Mr. G was still in school and I was making $80 a week at the grocery store. We really couldn’t afford much else.
Here’s where I stand I guess, to be honest, a little bit of me does expect gifts. This could be because people have been asking where we’re registered. I mean, hey, if you get us something I’m not going to complain!
On the other hand, my friends are all in their early 20s We have no money, I get it, I’m there too. (Although I would have money if it wasn’t for this wedding hehehe, but I wouldn’t have it any other way!) A lot of my friends are making minimum wage and have rent and food to worry about. I’d much rather them show up to the wedding sans gift, rather than spend money they seriously need on us. Our wedding isn’t a business; I mean, I like gifts as much as the next person, but I don’t expect our friends to buy me all that Le Creuset cookware. Yeah, it’s on our registry, but that’s because I’m saving up for it myself. We’ll hopefully be using my ‘registry completion’ discount in the future.
I also realize that some people (actually, a lot of people) will be traveling from out of state to sweet home Chicago. Traveling is a lot of money, yo! (I know that is expensive for serious seeing as I just bought a plane ticket to fly Mr. G out for his bachelor party camping, hiking, skiing week about 15 minutes ago.) It’s hard to expect people to buy you gifts when they’re using their money to come out for you in the first place.
Bottom line? I want friends and family to be part of our day. Them being present (ha!) for our wedding means a lot more than any gift the could get us.
…unless, of course, it’s the matching Snuggies we registered for, because I’m sure those would mean a lot.
What about you, hive? What are your gift expectations?
Public answer? No, we don’t expect gifts. Secret answer that we’re not supposed to say out loud? Of course, you expect a gift from those who can most likely afford it (barring financial hardship, of course).
that is such a tough question…on the one hand if you don’t want to come only because you can’t afford a gift I would rather have you there than a gift. But weddings are VERY expensive and if we are shelling out $250/couple to have you there then I will gladly accept a gift in return. 
But I have to say I never really knew how much it cost per person and I don’t think I have even give more than $100-$150 for 2 of us.
Our gift is having our closest fam and friends travel to hawaii to witness us make our committment to each other. That’s the best gift we could ask for. But, there are people who we know are gift givers, who we’ve registered for a handful of things. 
I really want to be the person that can honestly say “Your presences if gift enough” but I’m not.
Even on my poorest of poor days I found enough money to get a couple a wedding gift, and I expect the same in return. I don’t expect alot, I would be delighted with something hand made but I do expect something.
Is that completely terrible and shallow?
I agree with all of the above - having people join us is the whole point. But as a guest, I would never go to a wedding that I couldn’t afford to bring a gift, too. That’s like showing up to a baby shower for the cake Silly. Maybe that’s just me.
@that girl: No. I don’t think it’s shallow at all. We would never go to a wedding and not give a gift. I think I tell this story like a million times but at one point Mr. Peng was in grad school and donating plasma so he could…you know…eat. He couldn’t afford to give a wedding gift to his good friend getting married (didn’t go to the wedding either).
A year later, once he had a job, he sent the couple a gift certificate to a nice restaurant local to them for their anniversary.
I think gift giving is a key component of weddings…but that doesn’t mean I expect everyone to think this way…it’s just the standard that my family personally lives by
We are moving into our car (by choice) not long after the wedding to go on a dirty road trip around Australia for 6 months+. By dirty I mean we will be roughing it, big time. Because of this we will be asking for no gifts (not on the invitations, don’t worry!), because, well, we won’t have a house to put them in and don’t want to have to pay to put them in storage. Does this mean we will get money? I don’t know. Part of me hopes so, but I sure as hell aren’t going to give guests a god-awful poem about a “wishing well” like is so common in Australia. Just because it rhymes doesn’t mean asking for money is not gross! Sorry /rant. Anyway, despite wanting money, I know I will feel awkward being given money by friends in our age bracket. It just seems… wrong? I’m happy to get nothing, or a small thoughtful gift from them, but honestly, I am secretly hoping all the rich oldies get that we would like money and gift accordingly.
Sorry, LONG post!
Also, I wanted to add, that kid is dedicated! Did he make posters to put in EVERY paper he delivered? I kinda hope he did get something from someone. Although probably best he didn’t, to learn a valuable life lesson. Or something like that.
Zero expectations. We are celebrating out marriage and they are our guests. I expect nothing of/from them except to enjoy themselves.
Newspaper deliverers, etc., expect a holiday gift. That envelope made it easy and convenient! And how would you have known not to give a check if s/he hadn’t written that on there like that?!
This is why we did not register. These are all the same reasons people used to try to pressure us into registering. Believe it or not, we really don’t feel entitled to gifts. I would hope anyone coming would bring a card, or at the very least leave a sweet note in the guest book. But my FI and I don’t have a lot of money, and neither do many of our friends. It’s not like they’re forcing us to throw an expensive party - we chose to spend whatever it is we’re spending. I don’t think that in any way obligates them to pay me back for it, not when they’ve already spent a ton and inconvenienced themselves to be there to celebrate US.
On our wedsite, we have a page titled “Regarding Gifts.” In it, we wrote, “Your love, best wishes, and company are the best gifts we could hope for! No others are necessary.”
And, seriously, WE MEAN IT! I feel bad that most people will assume we’re being disingenuous. Oh well - nothing I can do about that! Don’t get me wrong; I’m incredibly grateful for any gifts people choose to give - but I want it to be from the heart and within their means, not a transaction.
We follow the same train of thought–the gift of our family and friends’ presence is priceless. It’s a wonderful surprise when we do receive gifts, though.
@mightywombat: This has nothing to do with the discussion but I LOVE your screen name!
We were convinced to have a registry only because people scared us with stories of people buying us gifts anyway and then the realization that when we went to weddings, we loved giving people gifts, and we never knew quite what to get someone for their wedding without a registry (how do we know whether they already have this particular cake decorating kit?).
My mom got into it with a member of her church (who is not invited) who asked where we were registered, and my mom replied that we were thinking of not having a registry. That woman actually told my mom that we were being snotty by not having a registry.
But if it were up to us, there would be no registry, or a donation to charities only registry (which apparently a lot of people are not comfortable contributing to.)
I expect gifts of course not from everyone. Gift giving is just a family thing (cultural thing). Whether its a small key chain or something more expensive birthdays, baptisms, and especially weddings, gifts are just a norm.
@MissCanyon: lol, thanks!!
@spunbutterfly: Oh man, at Thanksgiving this year, several family members ganged up on us to pressure us to have a registry. We were told we were being inconsiderate by not having one. It was really frustrating. I don’t understand how it could be rude to tell people that we do not expect gifts.
Eventually we compromised a tiny bit - I gave my mom a few general things that we could use, and she gave that list to those who asked. Hilariously enough, we just got a gift from some of the people who pressured us the most about having a registry…and it wasn’t from our list. (Which was fine - it was a great gift and a wonderful surprise! I just thought it was funny that they’d make such a big deal about and then not use the list my mom gave them.)
I think it’s hurtful when people show up without a gift, but so many, many people do it. It doesn’t get better as you advance into your late twenties, either. That’s why a couple puts things on their registry that cost very little money, like <$25. Even if I were completely broke, I’d buy a cookbook or something for the couple.
My fiance used to deliver newspapers, and they absolutely count on their holiday tip! Most of them these days are adults, not kids (I mean, they’re out in the city at 4 in the morning, they better be.) He is adamant about tipping paper carriers! It is really expected just like a restaurant or salon tip would be, you should factor it in to your overall cost.
About expecting wedding gifts–there are some family members from whom I hope to get a nice heirloom. My grandmother can still tell you who gave her this platter or that silver thing for her wedding 60 years earlier. For my poor grad student friends, I’ll be overjoyed if they just manage to make it there!
We did a registry (post to come soon, actually - we’re on the same page, G!) but I have absolutely NO expectations that people HAVE to bring one. Some are coming from overseas, in which case I DEFINITELY don’t expect that they need to bring us anything - just making the effort to celebrate with us is enough. That being said though, I do hope that people we’re close to, will gift us as they see fit.
I knew that a lot of people coming to our wedding didn’t have extra money just lying around. It did kind of hurt my feelings though when people showed up without even bringing or sending a card. Even a homemade one would have been fine.
We didn’t write this on our invites, but this is the wording I put about gifts on our wedding website:
“Just a little note about gifts (it’s tricky deciding where to say this!) We have been building our lives together for a few years and are not really in need of anything. We certainly aren’t expecting gifts and really, we just want to be able to spend the day with you. ”
And it is truly how we feel, if people don’t give us gifts but make it to the wedding that is super - but of course I’m expecting some! I think there are enough of a range of people coming, some of whom wouldn’t dare go to a wedding without a gift, some who might pick something up that is within their budget or give money and some who are grateful because it means they can come without a gift guilt free. I’m good with whatever.
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Mrs. Giraffe, Chicago Age and Occupation: 23, Graphic Designer Fiance's Age and Occupation: 24, Music Student Teacher Engagement Date: October 23, 2008 Wedding Date: May 2011 Venue: Trinity Lutheran Church & Idlewild Country Club About Me: Coming from the suburbs of the Windy City, you'll often find me with my foot in my mouth while laughing for no reason or telling bad knock knock jokes. I've been crafty for as long as I can remember, and will DIY something twice over before I have someone do it for me. I'm a semi-awkward, typeface obsessed, design junkie and have been know to break out my dance moves for no reason as well as try my best to be ridiculous at all times. My love of pop culture, wordplay, and graph paper almost rivals my love of Mr. Giraffe (who is just the bee's knees). After a 2.5 year engagement, we're planning a modern-in-disguise traditional wedding, and cannot wait!
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