Weddingbee Blog

Catch up on the entire After “I Do” series here! And if you have a burning question you’d like to see discussed, submit it here!

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What was your relationship with your in-laws like before you got married? What is it like now? What were specific things that lead to an improvement/degradation of your relationship with your in-laws? Do you have any tips for people struggling with relationships with their in-laws?

When we first started dating, I really wanted my in-laws to like me. They were welcoming and nice from the beginning, but they show love differently than my family does. My family constantly shows affection and from the beginning had said multiple times how much they loved Mr. Starfish. Because I was used to an overly affectionate family, and Mr. Starfish’s is different, I wasn’t sure how they felt. As our relationship went on I learned that Mr. S’s family just worked different than mine. They show their love in different ways.

This happened long before marriage, but I think my best advice regarding in-laws is to understand that everyone is different. I’ve been very fortunate to have supportive, caring, loving in-laws who have been a wonderful part of my life. It just took me some time to understand that people show these things in different ways.

I feel that wedding planning only helped our relationship. My MIL and I started emailing a lot during the planning phase and have continued to do so after marriage. I think the engagement period strengthened our relationship.

I love them, and they seemingly love me back. (Whew!) They always have been generous to a fault, caring, and accepting of everyone in the family for who they are, including me, even when I was still an unofficial member.

I would say that many couples have one or two (or more) high-maintenance parents and one or two (or more) low-maintenance ones, to put it mildly. Mine are the high-maintenance ones in our marriage, so I really took to my now-in-laws as a balance to mine. After nearly four years together and seven months of marriage, I think both of us feel even more invested in our in-laws once things were official (I say “official” only as a marker of when we personally exchanged vows, not to belittle non-married committeds and other types of unions): looking out for them, keeping the other person in check when we freak out on our own folks, and sharing the duties in good times and not-so-great times.

I am one of the lucky ones. My in-laws are some of the kindest and sweetest people I have ever met.

I think one of the things that help our relationship grow was volunteering to help the other person on their projects or events. Like when Mama-In-Law Meerkat threw a shower for her co-worker (whom I didn’t know) I volunteered to help serve food, etc. Showing the other person you are truly invested in them without looking for “what’s in it for me” goes along way. The more things we did together the more we grew together. Now we hang out, go shopping or just have girls nights.

I would say that the relationship is still new. I just passed 2 years with Mr. SD this January, and in May we’ll have our first year of marriage down. Before I moved to his hometown a month before the wedding, I’d only met his parents a handful of times, so we weren’t particularly close. They liked me, but we really didn’t have any kind of relationship. After moving here, I’ve gotten the chance to get to know his mom and sisters, but to be honest, his stepfather is horrible. It makes it really tough to build any kind of good relationship with his sisters when he barely allows them to see us. Let’s just boil it down to the fact that both girls are very eager to turn 18 and finally get some freedom. I think we’ll see a lot more of them then, including his mother. I have to admit that though his step-father is technically a part of his life and family, he’s treated my husband so poorly in the past (and currently) that I honestly don’t care to develop any kind of goodwill toward him. I’m merely civil enough that he will agree to let me pick up his daughters for lunch and a movie every now and then.

His dad’s family is much more laid back, but so super busy that it’s rare we can catch them around their house to see them! I’m certain that once we have our baby we’ll be seeing a lot more of them, though, with how excited his father is! He’s already threatening to take him/her every weekend. We’re lucky here in that his step-mom adores both of us, and is so super-sweet. It’s definitely a more welcoming household.

I’m still a little too new to the family to give any sort of advice on in-laws. I’m lucky in that they’re very low-maintenance, and neither has had a problem being over involved in his life in the past, so it’s not a battle now. That’s more for my family to handle But that’s a story for another time!

We’ve been married for 3 and a half years. Before we got married, our relationship was great, since Mr. K is MIL’s second son and third wedding to be a part of, she was very happy to sit back and let us plan our wedding with only a few requests, all of which we granted. My siblings-in-law are great, but since they are close to 8 years older they were also pretty hands off for the wedding, busy with their kids and jobs.

Once we got married, our in-laws recognized our new family unit and gave us some alone time. Nothing else changed, though, other than being invited to more dinner parties.

After our daughter was born, the in-laws respected the boundaries, which was such a blessing. They were immediately there for us when we needed help or advice, and offered to watch her whenever we wanted, but they were never overbearing. They knew the lines not to cross, and allowed us to tell them when we were ready for socializing, which helped us tremendously.

Now we’re invited to all the little family parties we usually didn’t get invited to (because we were just a married couple who they didn’t think would enjoy a birthday party with 12 5 year olds), which is great. They are still pretty hands-off with us, though, letting us take the reins when it comes to what we want to do as a family. You can’t beat the hand-me-downs, though!

My relationship with my in-laws hasn’t changed very much since we got married almost a year ago. I really love Mr. Spaniel’s parents, and the changes that have taken place seem to just be an extension of what was happening for the five years I dated their son before the wedding: we get gradually closer. MIL Spaniel calls me a little more often, maybe. She lets herself be more nervous when I drive her (unfortunately), just like she does with her husband and her two sons. I guess she’s not trying to impress me with her calmness anymore. And I, in turn, feel more comfortable around them. They feel like my family, not just in law.

My tip for people struggling with their in-laws is to let/insist that your spouse intervene. On the rare instances that any conflict comes up with my in-laws, Mr. Spaniel is the designated handler of the issue, and the same goes for me when anything comes up between Mr. Spaniel and my family. I know my parents will get over it if it comes from me, whereas I’d hate for them to have a grudge against him (which they would be much slower to drop).

My first impulse is to just laugh at this question since by now, most everyone knows how rocky things are, but here’s a bit more of the story:

When I first met my in-laws, they tolerated me but made it clear that they weren’t going to go out of their way to make me feel welcome. Mr. Socks tried multiple times to encourage them to get to know me, to welcome me, but their response was usually to change the subject.

During our engagement, the tension broke into a very large storm. My in-laws wanted to control everything, approved of nothing, and could never be satisfied. They weren’t happy that their son was getting married, didn’t want to meet my parents, and one day I snapped, told them exactly what was on my mind, and everything went downhill from there.

I apologized later, but they had made up their minds long before things got to the breaking point that they would just never be happy or supportive of us. We still did everything we could the day of the wedding to accommodate them.

After the wedding and their horrible behavior, we have not spoken to them. The only communication has been a few emails that they’ve sent to us that don’t address the issue, don’t contain any regret, and are absolutely worthless in our eyes.

Our relationship with them will probably be forever broken. Yes, we’re so sad, but our lives are so much better without their negativity. Even if they beg for forgiveness at this point, I don’t think Mr. Socks or I could ever fully trust them again, and wouldn’t feel comfortable having a relationship with them beyond “distantly polite.”

Here’s my tip: Sometimes, it’s better to walk away. Sometimes, it’s better to cut all ties. If you’re at the point where you’ve cut off all contact, most people will tell you to forgive and forget, that they’re family and you should put it behind you. Let me tell you: it takes both parties to be willing to move on to make it happen. Don’t waste your life trying to get the approval of people who refuse to see the world through anyone’s eyes but their own. If the decision to cut ties makes your life more fulfilling, like it did for me and Mr. Socks, then go for it, but only when you’ve exhausted every other option.

I feel kinda bad posting this right under Socks’ response, but when I hear of friends’ struggles with the in-laws, I often think “wow, I need to be thankful for my husband’s family.” I get along well with his mom, dad, brothers and all of his family that I have met–there’s no one I generally feel unwelcome toward, and no one I feel like I need to avoid. (And no, I’m not just saying that because they might read this–it’s true! ) Nothing sticks out in my mind, but I’m sure there have been times where we’ve disagreed on this or that. (Who hasn’t, with any family member–in law or not?) But it’s never a big deal, as we all have our own opinions about things and I understand that. I think I have a great relationship with my in-laws. I don’t necessarily think anything has changed since we got married (and we’ve been married about 1.5 years now) — I feel like I’ve been comfortable with them from the start. The comfort level has probably grown with time, but that’s to be expected with anyone you meet and have a relationship with.

Mr. Fro Yo and I have been married almost a year, and we’ve been together for four years total. My relationship with my in-laws hasn’t really changed much except that during the wedding planning, I talked to my MIL a lot. Then, after the wedding we didn’t talk as much because the wedding was over and it was really strange at first. So, now I pick up the phone and call her just to chat, which I didn’t do before unless it was wedding related. But, it’s funny because I’ve talked to a friend of mine about in-laws several times. We both came to the conclusion that it feels like the in-laws are doing things “wrong.” And, I don’t say that in a critical way (though the word wrong sounds like I am), but I’m just so used to the way my family does stuff like celebrating holidays, frequency of phone calls, etc, that it’s just different. I think now I’ve adapted and I’m realizing that things aren’t wrong, they’re just different and it just took some time to get used to but I’m getting there.

I think I’ve always been lucky in the in-law department. Mr. Joey’s family has been welcoming from the first day. My MIL are pretty close. We email frequently and she always keeps tabs on where I’m traveling to.

I think the first few years we lived together, my parents were a little uncomfortable around Mr. Joey. My parents were worried that Mr. Joey would accept them because they weren’t “American” (born or raised here). They also worried Mr. Joey would misunderstand traditions.

Once we got engaged, my parents made a real effort with Mr. Joey. My mom got more adventurous with the food she served when Mr. Joey was at their house. My Dad invited him over to watch football. I think they knew he was one of us when we were all at Dim Sum and he got excited over an baby octopus dish. He sealed the deal by saying my Mom’s Lumpia (Filipino egg roll) was the best he had and that he loved when I cooked Kare Kare (stewed ox tail). The way to my parents’ hearts are through their stomachs.

We’ve been 1.5 years and everything is great now. My parents call Mr. Joey when I’m out of town and sometimes bring him food. They call when he’s sick. And are fine to have a conversation alone with him.

I don’t have a great advice accept to maybe look for something you, your SO and your in-laws have in common. Maybe you all like to BBQ or hike or like to travel and start from there.

My relationship with my in-laws was strong from the start. We got along wonderfully well and had no problem spending time together. We enjoyed dinners, traveled to events near and far, attended concerts, and worked on our condo together. I think Mr. Seashell’s Mom was overjoyed at the prospect of her son getting married and treated me like a daughter. I knew I was incredibly lucky that Mr. Seashell’s parents were such easy-going and exceptional people.

When Mr. Seashell’s Mom got diagnosed with cancer we grew closer and talked more seriously about the future—our wedding, grandchildren, family vacations—and how they were going to be a part of all those things. Then, when things took a tragic turn, I was there in the hospital room with Mr. Seashell and his family as his mom passed, just two months before our wedding. Our relationship has only deepened as a result.

Now, as Mr. Seashell’s Dad works through the loss of his wife and Mr. Seashell and I settle into our first year of marriage, things have shifted. We still attend family events together and see him regularly, but it is in a new way - not to attend concerts or grab dinner at a fun new restaurant—more to spend time as family. I know our relationship will continue to evolve as time moves on.

My in-laws and I get along, but they live so far away that it’s hard to see us being really close. We only get to see them about once a year, usually during the holidays. However, I do get to see my sister-in-law more often, as she often travels to Austin for work. We get along really well—like sisters, for sure. I’d love to see my in-laws more often, and I’m holding out the tiniest bit of hope that they decide to move back to Texas after we have a baby.

I think it’s always hard adjusting to your new “family.” Other people’s families just have different ways of doing things and seeing the world. I’m a pretty shy person, and so is my mother-in-law, so it took us awhile to get comfortable with each other. But now I think we’ve settled into a nice, comfortable family dynamic. I’ve noticed that she definitely appreciates it when I jump in and make myself part of the group.

Like Mrs. Starfish, I found it hard to tell in the beginning how my in-laws felt about me because they show love in such a different way that my family does. My family is very vocal when it comes to affection, and it was a learning curve for me to experience a different way of love being showed when I met Mr E’s family. Now I am slowly learning what their signals of affection are, and I feel much more secure in knowing that they do in fact like me.

One thing that has been a tad difficult for us is that we are still viewed as “kids” by Mr E’s parents. Because we are separated from them by the entire Pacific Ocean, they havent seen all the ways that we have grown up even in just the past year, and how we are quite capable of “adult” responsibilities now. This can lead to some frustrating conversations, and too much interference from them at times (yes, it is possible to interfere even when you don’t live in the same country!). Another issue here is that Mr E is his parents’ youngest child, and his mother is missing being a part of his life. I think the key here is communicating with them openly so that they dont feel even more isolated from our lives, and gradually they will realise that we have grown up and, even though we value their input, we are quite independent already. That’s the plan, anyway.

Hmm, my relationship with my MIL has always been a roller coaster.

It started off good, then she majorly betrayed our trust and it plummeted. Things started to settle around Christmas time this past year, and we even made the effort to come over for the holidays (something we generally try to avoid). Mr. R and I thought everything was finally back to normal, then a few days later she went crazy again, but this time, at our wedding. Again, the relationship plummeted.

As of now, my MIL and I have no relationship, and I plan on keeping it that way. It seems every time we let her get somewhat close again, she turns around and does something irrational/disrespectful. There’s only so many times you can let someone’s actions slap you in the face, so that’s that as far as I’m concerned.

As for advice, I will echo Mrs. Socks: Sometimes, it’s better to walk away. I personally don’t believe that family is family is family. Some of my family I love, and I keep them close to me. Other family members bring more negativity to my life than positivity, so I choose to have no contact with them. Life is too short to allow anyone to bring you down, whether they are blood relatives or in-laws.

Really, I feel so lucky to have such amazing in-laws. And, I have A LOT of in-laws (due to divorce on his side), and they are all such funny, caring, loving individuals, who all get along with each other. I have NEVER witnessed a family that is still so amazing to each other even after divorces. Our side, you get divorced, and we never see you again.

We’ve been married for almost 10 months now, and I have to say that nothing has changed in my relationship with my in-laws. I DO get less phone calls from my MIL asking for her wedding album now that I’ve finally given it to her. That’s a relief. {whew} She does still mention that she never got to see her son say his vows as our videographer stood right in front of her. I’ll probably be hearing about that for the next 20 years.

As for Mr. D, his relationship with my parents is the same, too. They’ve always treated him like a son. I think they like him more then they like me (and I’m their only daughter!). But, we do see a whole lot less of our parents these days as we have settled into married life, which makes me a bit sad.

My in-laws are a part of my family now and just like my own parents, I love them dearly and they drive me crazy sometimes! Isn’t that just the way families are? I think they feel the same way about me, they have been incredibly generous and loving but also have no qualms about expressing their opinions (dissenting or agreeing) about almost anything…

I honestly prefer things this way because I know they are being honest with me and I can be honest with them. It also helps that they live far away so we only see them a few times a year—I actually wish we got to see them more often!

So in short, they are my second set of parents, with all the good and the bad that comes along with that.

We’ve been married 3.5 years now and after the wedding emotions died down, things soon fell into place. They are my family and I am theirs. Before our wedding, I felt like “the girlfriend/the outsider” who was trying hard to impress and ending up with just awkward moments. Mr. Snow Pea is the baby of the family and only son, so a lot of my “troubles” really stemmed from that. It wasn’t all my in-laws, either. There was a lot of growing up to do on Mr. Snow Pea’s part. He just had to learn to speak up to avoid misunderstandings between them and also break away his finances and dependence on them. In addition, I just learned to let things go. The women in his family have very strong opinions and strong personalities which was overwhelming for me when we dated. Once I learned to roll with it, it was a piece of cake. I wish I hadn’t been so sensitive to it all. My mother in law has a strong personality but I’m very thankful that she never criticizes me openly and never meddles with our marriage. I know sometimes she’s just dying to know something, but she never meddles and just expresses she’s there if we need her. She’s taught me to crochet and sends me emails with tips on every day things like how to get enough vitamins. I watch TV with my father in law and we talk about movies. Now that I’m getting older, I have more in common with my sister in-laws who are older.

My advice for anyone struggling with their in-law right now is just remember the big picture. They will always be your family. Don’t do or say anything you might regret later because they aren’t going anywhere and considering their age, they won’t change. It’s all water under the bridge years later.

I had a sort of atypical situation growing up in that I had terrible in-laws. For the nearly 30 years my parents were married, my father’s mother had a terrible difficulty letting go of her son, and she let everyone know how awful she thought my mother was. She treated my mom and me so poorly that I still sometimes slip and refer to her as a “mother-in-law,” even though she was actually my grandmother. In addition to witnessing the pain she inflicted on our family, I also grew up watching my father, who seemed caught between his wife and mother and was unable to take a stand either way. Luckily, my mother’s side of the family is incredibly loving, and for me, it more than made up for the loss of only having extended family on one side.

My experience growing up was pretty extreme, but if nothing else, it taught me that yes, in fact, you do marry someone AND their family; and that in-law problems can definitely affect your kids later. I’ve always paid very close attention to mother-son dynamics with the men I dated, and Mr. Oyster was no exception.

Even before we were married ten months ago, my husband’s family embraced me wholly. They are a very loving and inclusive group of people, and I can see where Mr. Oyster gets so many of his personality traits. I’m very blessed. My mother-in-law is a wonderful woman. She does have a strong personality, but in many ways, we are more similar than different. If we do clash, I can just tell myself it’s because we are so much alike.

My own family is much the same toward Mr. Oyster. We do have some obvious cultural differences, and since my family is the one that lives far away, I think I feel this more acutely than my husband does. I’ve been living away from them a while, but my first married Thanksgiving had me missing them more than I ever had. We plan to re-adjust our budget so that we can visit my family several times a year.

My in-laws are elderly. I never imagined that in my 30s I would have in-laws so far apart from me in age, but we benefit from the wisdom and insight they have to offer us. My husband’s parents are healthy now, but they are starting to need some help (they do live nearby), and in the coming years, we’ll probably have some additional responsibilities, even as we begin our own family. I have no idea what this will mean for us, but I hope to “roll with it” as Mrs. Snow Pea says. It’s just part of the cycle of life.

I am very lucky that I have a great relationship with my in-laws and Mr. Ducky has a great relationship with my family. Everyone has gotten along since we started dating, but there have been bumps along the way.

The most tension and stress was definitely during the engagement period. I think everyone was getting used to the idea of Mr. Ducky and I having our own family and being each other’s number one. There was definitely some fighting, tears and anger during this time plus the stress of planning a wedding. The idea of “last Christmas,” “last fill-in-the-blank” was something we had to reframe as it’s not the last, no one is going anywhere, there will just be another person in the future and rotating holidays.

Once we were married it was important to establish boundaries and expectations. We had to put our relationship first but still communicating with our families that we were there and loved them just the same. Things were much better once the wedding had past and the stress was over. We are a part of one another’s families and are really blessed to be supported by our families and be completely loved and accepted.

My in-laws are pretty great, in all honesty. They don’t have daughters, so my MIL is super excited to get to pick up things for her DIL, and we’re the same size, so she picks up some pretty cute clothes and jewelry for me. They are a bit more old-fashioned than us, she stays at home, they haven’t told his grandparents that I kept my last name. That’s the only thing, really. I still get checks from his grandparents made out to Mrs. Eileen Hislastname, but all in all I think I lucked out. And my parents love him, and it’s been a little hard for him to get used to my family’s sarcasm, but in the end, we all get along fairly well. Here’s hoping it stays that smooth when kids enter the picture.

I love my in-laws! It feels funny even calling my husband’s family “in-laws” because Mr. Pin Cushion and I have been together for so long (almost 11 years), have grown up so much together, that his family feels like my family. We even have done some shared holidays with his family!

They have always been more than welcoming of me. His mom said she felt that I was her daughter in law years before we actually got married! My hope for the future is that I can grow closer to Mr. PC’s family, especially his sisters (I’m super jealous of how close all sisters seem to be!!).

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What about you? What’s your relationship like with your in-laws? Has it changed at all since you got married?