Weddingbee Blog

Catch up on the entire After “I Do” series here! And if you have a burning question you’d like to see discussed, submit it here!

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Have you or your spouse dealt with a significant loss, be it friend, family member, job, or any loss that has significantly impacted your lives? How did you handle the situation as a couple? If your SO was the one that experienced the loss, what did you do to help ease the loss? If you experienced the loss, what did your spouse do?

Unfortunately, I am better able to answer this question now than I ever have been. In September, I lost one of my older brothers unexpectedly. It was a shock to my family, and the most difficult experience of my life. I can honestly say that I don’t know how I would have gotten through this time without Mr. HC by my side. He took off two weeks from work and stayed by me every moment, from flying to halfway across the country for the funeral, to spending the next week at my dad’s apartment running the show for the memorial and shiva here at home. Many people say that he was just doing what he was supposed to, but he did so much more. He gave me space to mourn, and made me feel like everything I was going through was okay, and encouraged me to explore how I was feeling. He would leave parties with me if I was overwhelmed to be out, or just got lost in sadness and couldn’t shake it, and he would squeeze my hand back to let me know he was there. Although we have been partners for many years, he truly showed to me that he could and would be there with me, by my side, for whatever I could need. He was a comfort to my whole family, picking up where no one could find the energy, even picking my little sister up from school or from play dates, and taking her and her friends to the park for a moment’s quiet. Still now, we are learning what our “new normal” is, and he is there to hold my hand when I have a moment, or to answer my call if I need to talk. He has been an incredible example of support, love, and stability through all of this, and we are learning how to move forward together.

I can remember the morning my dad died. It was New Year’s Eve. Mr. Meerkat and I had not been dating long and my family was still getting to know him. When I called to tell him that my dad had passed, I told him not to interrupt his plans, and that I would be fine. Of course, I wasn’t fine at all. A couple hours later, after driving through an awful winter storm, he not only arrived at my parents’ house but brought my entire family a homemade dinner. He stayed with me until well after the funeral was over.

Mr. Meerkat always seems to be there just when I need him but I guess that is how our relationship works in general. When one of us needs the strength, the other person always becomes that rock of stability. We both know that we can’t always fix the other person’s problem, but we can at least simply be there for them.

Mr. Barrettes lost his father the morning of the Super Bowl. The call was unexpected and after the initial shock of the news, there was just a change of energy between us. I’m not sure what to call it, but I very surely felt like the keeper of his sadness. I had never actually felt sadness from him up to that point and I just wanted to wrap him up in a puffy cloud of love and support.

I thought it would be best to allow him to mourn in his own way, and I’m glad he felt the urge to talk about his dad a lot in the following days. He wanted to tell stories, and talk about the good times. I learned a great deal about my husband in those days. His dad’s spirit most certainly lives on in our lives and I’m very, very thankful we were able to share our wedding day with him before he passed.

One of the moments when I knew the Dude and I would be together for life was when he slept on the floor next to me in the waiting room when my dad was in intensive care. He could have gone to our hotel room in the hospital complex, but he knew I wanted to be near my dad and he stayed by my side. We weren’t engaged yet, but at that moment he became my husband.

When I eventually lost my dad a year later, the Dude was my rock. I can’t recall anything specific that he did. He was just there. He listened when I needed him to, he spoke when I needed him to. He was there for me and my family. I only hope that I can be there for him the way he was for me when he experiences a loss like I did.

I lost a very close friend, Brett, unexpectedly in January of 2010. I was absolutely devastated, and had just left Mr. Taffy to work during the week in Canada—it happened the third day of my new job.

This person and I were closest from 1994-99, so Mr. Taffy had never met him. My first weekend back to the US was his funeral—I was completely shell shocked and miserable. Mr. Taffy went with me to the funeral, where I saw people that I hadn’t seen since junior high. He was understanding in the following weeks, when I felt the need to spend our very limited time on the weekends together going through things at my mom’s house, looking for photos and letters from that era. I wanted to make an album for his family, and it was a way to help me grieve. Luckily I found almost all of the negatives, and gave his family prints as well as scans of the photos. I went with his best friend to visit his parents to give them the album—they showed us photos from his sweet 16 party that were absolutely hilarious. It was a pool party, but all of the 16 year olds were too “cool” yet also too self conscious to put on bathing suits! Ah, adolescence.

Mr. Taffy was such a help to me, as I was quite depressed about this loss until this past fall. I don’t know what I would have done without his love and support!

The loss of Mr. Seashell’s Mom was simply devastating. The piece that made it easier for both of us was that it felt like a shared loss. Although I hadn’t known Mr. Seashell’s mom for more than a few years, we still had a wonderful relationship. There were times that Mr. Seashell would see me visibly upset, or I would tell him that I had cried the whole way to work, and there was a comfort in that. He wasn’t going through the grief alone. For some time we both had good and bad days and we worked to comfort each other.

Certainly, not all losses are shared. Sometimes all you can do is be there for the other person.

I wrote on the blog a number of times about the loss of Mr. Octo’s mom, but one of the things I don’t think I ever touched on is what a bonding experience it was for the two of us. Obviously, it was traumatic and horrible and I wish it hadn’t happened, but it was also an experience that brought us closer in a way I didn’t expect. Staying beside someone throughout all the raw, painful, awful moments is very intimate, actually. I put every last emotional and physical resource I had into supporting Mr. Octo while he was grieving. In the worst moments, it felt like the only shelter from the storm was in huddling beside each other. I still remember thinking, a month or so after FMIL Octo passed away, that I felt like he and I were closer than ever before, and that I felt more like a member of his family than I had at any time in the seven years we’d been together. Grief is sad and terrible in a big way, but it’s also a pretty powerful unifying force.

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What about you? Have you or your spouse dealt with a significant loss, be it friend, family member, job, or any loss that has significantly impacted your lives? How did you handle the situation as a couple?