Weddingbee Blog

Catch up on the entire After “I Do” series here! And if you have a burning question you’d like to see discussed, submit it here!

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Hive moms: How has life changed for you post-baby? What were your identity/adult/couple struggles?

Parenthood is HUGE, and writing about it is like trying to write a single paragraph on marriage or the meaning of life. So tomorrow I might tell you something different, but here’s what comes to mind today:

Parenthood is so much more difficult than most people realize. It’s more than just a few sleepless nights— a baby drops into your life like a bomb and shakes everything. If you stay home, you will be sometimes bored, and you will question your identity without the reinforcements of career and salary. If you work, you will feel constantly torn between work and home. You will need to figure out how to pay for childcare (over $1,000/month in our town) or how to live without a second income. You will be pooped on and vomited on and screamed at, sometimes for what feels like hours. You often won’t know what you’re doing, and you will be frequently judged by everyone from family to strangers. The smallest errand can take an extra half hour of prep time. You WILL have sleepless nights. Oh, and of course if you’re the mother you will grow a human that will tear its way out of your body like the creature from Alien.

Thankfully—for your sanity as well as the preservation of the species—parenthood is also a wholehearted joy. It isn’t a joy all the time (see above), but it IS a joy. Sometimes you will laugh yourself silly. Sometimes you will postpone putting the baby to bed just because you can’t bear to give up the sleeping snuggles. You will love that child like crazy. And somewhere in the combination of the difficulties and the joys, you will discover new depths of patience and selflessness within yourself.

As for couple struggles, they definitely happen! Luckily Mr Tulip is a loving and fun dad who sees childcare as OUR responsibility and not mine alone (as a stay-at-home mom and/or just as the woman). I love him so much more as our daughter’s father than I did as husband alone. But it’s a different world from when you could focus your energies entirely on each other, and both parties sometimes end up feeling slighted. My best advice is to treat the whole endeavor as a partnership — ideally, meeting the shared challenge will bring you closer together rather than pushing you apart. Spend some time together as adults, even if it’s only watching TV together on the couch after baby’s in bed. And, whenever you feel frustrated with your partner, try imagining things from his/her perspective. For example, when I envy Mr T’s chance to escape to the adult world of the office, I remember the stress of juggling work and home and dealing with coworkers and commute. When he envies my ability to hang out at home, I hand him the toddler for a few minutes, and he remembers pretty quickly what my days are actually like!

I guess for us, our life has changed most socially. We have a set bedtime that we rarely deviate from because we finally got her to sleep through the night. I mean, there are rare occasions (holidays and special events etc.) that we’ll keep her up later, but she’s often crabby when missing her bedtime. Then there are times we’ll say we’re up for something, and Piper will have a bad day nap-wise, teething, whatever, and that kind of makes US have a bad day, so we’ll bow out figuring it’s the best for all involved. Due to this, sometimes we just aren’t invited to things anymore, unless there are other kids there. We’ve learned to not take it personally. It can be kind of distracting when you have a hollering infant throwing crap at an engagement party. I guess it was good that I wasn’t too much of a social butterfly anyway, much preferring to stay at home with my husband and watch a movie.

There are also the insane benefits of having a baby: there is a constant joy surrounding you. You get to see this wonderful person grow and change and know that you created that. While you might get down that your life has changed—from big parties and late nights to big poops and well…long nights, you’re often so busy that you don’t really have time to dwell on it too much. I work with Piper all day, so other than making room for naps and making sure she’s fed and has something to do, my daily life hasn’t changed all that much. The hardest part is going without sleep, because consecutive sleep loss can really make you get aggravated by the smallest things, and the person who feels the brunt of it is your husband. As long as they know you’re really not wanting to be that person, and they try to help as much as possible, you’ll be okay.

I guess I’ve always wanted to be a mom, and Mr. K was meant to be a dad, so we kind of climbed wholeheartedly into these new roles. We both realized how much better our lives are now, with this tiny person we created. Though sometimes I felt he didn’t quite understand exactly HOW much work taking care of a baby all day by yourself is. When I explained to him (not quite so rationally, I admit) why I was snapping at him so much, he began to take on more of the responsibility and decided to have things that were solely HIS, like bath time. I guess you can say that for us, our life changed in the greatest way, we went from a pair to a family, and I would never want our old life again.

I think the hardest part (for most young families) is to remember that even with a baby in the picture you can’t forget about your marriage. Trust me, we are still trying to work on that part. We try to have time for ourselves, but with Mr. Flamingo’s random work schedule it’s extremely hard to plan stuff, especially since last minute plans are out of the question with a baby. (You need to plan, and what used to take 5 minutes now takes 35. Le sigh.)

I consider myself to be a laid back and knew that wouldn’t change much when baby came around. I was happy to see that a few days after Baby Flamingo was born, I was able to give him to my mom for the night. Not only was I happy to catch some extra zzz’s but I found myself really enjoying my time with my husband (even if it meant just cuddling in bed).

Everything gets shifted when you have a child, but I, for one, don’t live my life around my baby, but rather the other way around. I don’t feel trapped in my home because I don’t want to mess up his sleep pattern, or reduce all noise in the house because he’s napping. On the contrary, he goes everywhere I go and because of it, he can sleep pretty much anywhere (while we are out) and when it’s time to go back home, I put him in his crib and he still sleeps at night. I bring him everywhere, whether I go for coffee with friends, shopping, or take a quick trip to the States. I like it this way… it makes me feel that much hasn’t changed (well, in reality it has).

Now what has changed? Sleep patterns. I was never a morning person. NEVER… yet now I find myself waking up a few minutes before my alarm or before Baby Flamingo wakes up. I don’t know if you can call it motherly instinct, but it’s there. You never ever sleep like you used to. You have that one ear open at all times. My mom has suffered from insomnia for 27 years! Luckily, I don’t have that problem and can sleep anywhere and at anytime.

Struggles?! Ha, we have those. Trying to find the perfect balance, that’s a daily struggle. Trying to take care of my son, do housework while doing design work from home… it’s not easy. 9/10 of our disagreements are  about cleaning, and how the house is a mess (more like things aren’t put away). What can I say… I can never finish what I started.  Oh and don’t get me started on the whole intimacy part… let’s just say it’s almost non-existant.

But regardless, motherhood is by far the most amazing thing. I love my son and the amount of joy this little person brings me makes me smile every day. I had no clue motherhood would be like this (the good and the bad) and honestly, if I would have known, I would’ve had a baby earlier (if the circumstances were different). I love our little family and can’t wait to expand it again.

Babies don’t care about you or your needs, and I think because of that we are forced to really care for each other in a way we haven’t before. It’s a constant balancing act, trying to figure out how to shoulder the burden evenly. And that’s not just if you’re both working; I’m a SAHM and I still push Mr. Avo to help me with things, or I push myself to get up off the couch and help him when he’s home and it’s time to change a dirty diaper.

This past weekend I left Mr. Avo alone with our one-year-old for a few days, and he really surprised me. It was very frustrating for him—he doesn’t handle the needy ever-changing needs of a baby as well as I do, but when we were talking about his time with our son he focused on ME and how I could have more time to myself! I think that’s the best thing having a child has done to our marriage—it’s made us both less selfish.

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If you’re a parent, how has your life changed, post-baby?