Weddingbee Blog

Now that I am bumbling my way through early adulthood, something has become clear to me: nearly all my disappointments and frustrations stem from a disconnect between my own expectations and what actually happens. My delusions vs. reality…and my delusions are, well, of grandeur.

On the rare occasion that Pdog and I have a row, it’s almost always because of mismatched expectations. Fancy a real-life example? Behold:

Pdog worked late a lot last week, and I felt bad for the poor guy. I decided that, instead of doing my favorite alone-time things in his absence, I would clean the house. It would be this magical surprise—that our house was so clean, and I actually did it myself. We share household cleaning tasks, and I’m not a very good deep-cleaner/scrubber/anythinger. (I am, however, amazing at Google-searching local cleaning services and calling them.) So I rolled up my sleeves, treated our wood floors, and scrubbed the kitchen until it shined like the top of the Chrysler building. And all the while, I kept thinking…this is so worth it. He’ll be so thrilled. I was going to change his life by cleaning our home.

Yeah. He didn’t notice.

I sat there like an overeager puppy, waiting for some sort of praise, and he basically collapsed on the couch, just relieved to finally be home. I wanted to cry and say, “You don’t appreciate me!” (which is patently false and disproved by basically all of his actions but this one). Instead, I made myself leave to get a few groceries, so I could privately pout like a kid with a dropped sprinkle cone. Somewhere between the cereal aisle and the frozen foods, it occurred to me: Why, why, had I expected him to come home and fawn over crap that is half my responsibility anyway? And just like that, I snapped out of it. I had projected my (way overblown) expectations onto him so completely that of course I felt disappointed.

(And when I got home from getting groceries, he unloaded them and said, “Wow, the kitchen looks amazing.” …Because he is the blue-ribbon winner of our relationship, while I fall all over myself and limp into last place.)

For engaged folks, I think there are two sets of expectations to consider.

The first is your expectations for marriage. The point is not to have low expectations to keep yourself from disappointment. It’s to have realistic expectations and actually articulate them to your partner. (Do as I say! Not as I do!) It seems to me that some people expect their partners to change or evolve in some way once that wedding band is securely on their finger. To be honest, I’m curious to see what, if anything, marriage will change about our relationship. I certainly don’t expect it to (or even want it to, as evidenced by my post-engagement panic attack). After eight years, I figure—to quote the poet Ke$ha—We R Who We R.

The other is the wedding itself. If you expect utter organization, clear-mindedness, cooperation, and perfection from your wedding day? Well…I see you not be thrilled with the reality. Again, I don’t advocate a glass-half-empty mentality just so you’ll be thrilled at every drop you get. And sure, I sometimes catch myself lolling in wedding-fantasy land, which is totally fine. But when I’m done daydreaming, I remind myself: it might not be like I’m imagining, but that’s okay. Imperfection makes for good stories. (Please see: all of my contributions to my relationship with Pdog.)

What are your expectations of marriage? Of your wedding? Have you tried to keep either in check?