Weddingbee Blog

Catch up on the entire After “I Do” series here! And if you have a burning question you’d like to see discussed, submit it here!

**we’re still experiencing residual missing images, so I’ve posted the author’s name in front of their comment, just in case their icons aren’t appearing!

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If only one of you works (SAHM/SAHD, unemployment, school—any reason) how does it affect your relationship’s dynamic? How do you think it affect outsider’s views of your relationship’s dynamic? What are the benefits/disadvantages to having one breadwinner in your household?

Mrs. Hermit Crab - For the duration of our relationship, only one of us has ever been working full time. While Mr. HC was in medical school, I was working, and now that he is a resident, I am in a graduate program. Initially, I was very concerned about this role reversal, since I had been the one bringing money in, and I am generally the one who manages finances. Would I be able to get a manicure guilt-free? Questions like this had me very nervous about the switcheroo. As it happens, Mr. HC and I are very open when it comes to conversations about money, and we are understanding of the other’s situation. Aside from that it would be nice to have two incomes to offset the cost of living in NYC, it has worked out fine for us so far. It is practice for a potential situation if I decide to be a stay at home mom one day when that is relevant for us.

Mrs. Sand Dollar - At the moment, Mr. SD is the primary breadwinner in our household. It wasn’t in our original plan, but it’s just what happens to be our situation. We didn’t make the decision lightly, we both discussed in depth what it would mean for me to concentrate on building up a marketing company with a partner while he works the main 9-5. Honestly, I believe it’s really strengthened our relationship overall. He feels validated by being the provider financially. I would love to be earning more, but for now it’s very helpful to contribute to our household in more conventional ways. I manage the finances and budget, maintain the household, and figure out innovative ways to update and improve our home. I think both of us are fulfilled within our roles, and it’s nice to not only rely on the other to take care of a significant portion of our lives (either finances or domestic living), but to really appreciate each other for it. My husband loves not having to worry about cleaning or cooking; it’s more of a burden to him to take care of those things. Though I hope to contribute more financially in the future, for now, I’m completely basking in the glow of not having to go into an office or work a job I hate just to pay the bills. We’ve really come together during this period, and I hope that in the future if we ever need to rearrange our roles, we’re just as happy within them as we are now.

Mrs. Pin Cushion - Mr. Pin Cushion has been in school continuously for 22 years. He does make some moolah through fellowships, but I am definitely the primary bread winner (for now). He calls me his Sugar Mama.

It doesn’t have much of an affect on our relationship, because I know all too well that going to school is basically like having an unpaid full time job. So even though he’s not contributing much financially, I know he is still putting energy and effort into what he does. The times when it does become an issue are due to my own lack of patience: if I’m tired after working 12 hour days and commuting and I come home and wonder why he hasn’t read my mind and cleaned the house and geez why isn’t dinner made and please, don’t you know I’ve been working all day!?

I am looking forward to the day when we’re both employed and well paid. But when that happens and we’re both to tired to do anything, who can I blame for not cooking and cleaning?! I guess a maid will be in order!

Mrs. Veggie - I have a stay at home hubby, and it works great for us. Mr. Veggie is studying part time for his PhD, and is working way overtime for our non-profit building us an eco-thrifty house, and running workshops from our home. I work full time at the YMCA as the youth programmes coordinator.

For about 4 months after our wedding we were both at home working for the non profit. At first I thought it would be great because we’d have so much time to be together and work on fun projects, but we drove each other absolutely crazy. When we started getting serious about applying for NZ residency, we knew one of us needed to get a full time job. Mr. Veggie is happy working on our home, and work from home. He can go a few days without seeing other people, and can keep himself busy and focussed. I however, need outside stimulation and deadlines to keep me happy and engaged. Since I have started working full time, we are both happier and have found the time we do spend together is much more enjoyable.

Occasionally people tease me about having a stay at home husband, but I think it is becoming so common now that most people don’t even bat an eye. The advantages for us are that we both get the stimulation we need. He gets quiet alone time where he can set his own work schedule, and I get lots of people and pressure (the good get-stuff-done kind). The major downside we’ve discovered so far is that we’re having trouble getting housework done. I’m so tired by the end of the day that I just can’t be bothered. And cleaning is definitely not Mr. Veggie’s area of specialty. So, if you come over, just don’t look to closely in the closets or under the bed.. ok?

Mrs. Buttons - At the moment, Mr. Buttons is the primary breadwinner in our household. Honestly, I feel bad that it has to be this way, but at the moment it is what it is (the job market has not been kind recently). I work part time thankfully, so I am able to contribute to some of the daily expenses. However, we make it work.

Mr. Buttons and I are not the most extravagant of people: I love to cook, so most of our meals are created and eaten at home. Mr. Buttons packs a bag lunch to bring to work every day, and I always shop for sales. No, I’m not an extreme couponer, but I have the grocery store sales down to a science at this point (we spend roughly $75 a week on groceries/household items). We do make it a point to go out to a restaurant about once a week though! Recently, we’ve been taking advantage of various deal sites like Groupon and Living Social to find new places/get a great deal on local eateries.

Hopefully, things will turn around for us soon. We would LOVE to be able to put extra money away for things like a house, a new car for me (eventually), new furniture, and new computers. I HAVE promised myself a new computer the minute I get full-time paycheck again (and maybe a couple of pairs of shoes). I could keep going with the things that I want, but hey, I’ll spare you.

However, I will say this: I am GLAD that we started off our life together in this way. I think we’ve learned to appreciate the little things in life and to enjoy each other in a simple way. Yes, it would be nice to go out all the time/take vacations/buy lots of nice things, but I absolutely love the time we spend eating dinner at our kitchen table together! Ah, the simple life…we like it.

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Is there one breadwinner in your household? How does it affect your relationship’s dynamics?