Weddingbee Blog

Did you guys think I was going to do all that talking about ROTB and NOT show you pictures (AKA the best part)?! Well, if you thought that you were wrong!

While we didn’t take pictures of nearly all the dresses I tried on at ROTB, here is a sampling of some of the dresses I considered or, you know, laughed at a lot. (Also, I don’t know why I chose to wear a red bra to ROTB; it sticks out in every picture. Ah, hindsight.)

Now go away, Mr. Pony! Don’t make me give you the stink eye…

Image via Dog Forum

All right, let’s get down to business. About an hour and a half into our morning at ROTB, I remembered that I brought a camera with me and decided we should start recording some of this stuff.

First off, we saw Handmaiden Pony who has transformed her milking smock into a bridal gown with the help of a medieval bedazzler. It is difficult to tell from the photo whether it is the frumpy gown or her impending arranged nuptials to the local tanner (who is forced to live outside of town due to his noxious stench) that is making Handmaiden Pony smirk like so. Either way, this dress is not a winner.

E: Miss Pony, how many more dresses are you going to try on?

P: I don’t know. How many are here?

E: Umm…like a thousand.

P: Oh, well, not that many, but I want to find something I love.

E: Do you love the dress you have on?

P: No, not really, but I thought maybe it would grow on me if I wore it around for a while. But I still really hate this weird ribbon that highlights my boobs and that the dress has embroidery instead of lace. And I really hate how it is making me suck everything in so I look really uncomfortable and stiff all the time.

E: I don’t think you like it. Why don’t you put on another dress now?

P: Well, maybe…but what if I just keep this one on a little longer just to make absolutely sure I don’t want it…

E: Please kill me now.

P: But then you couldn’t help me pick out dresses!

E: FML.

Often overshadowed by its popular cousin, the Christening dress, the Consummation Dress features easy access for your new spouse to the wedding-night goods. Because who doesn’t want a wedding dress that doesn’t even need to be taken off in order to enjoy the honeymoon? Am I right, ladies?

OK, I can’t make fun of this one because I actually think it is pretty. I am not sure why I was so against this dress. I think perhaps it was the halter top. And the lack of lace. And too much bead-age on the front there. And the ruching on the boobs. OK, I remember now, but it is still a pretty dress.

It looks like I am contemplating the positioning and amount of beads in this photo, but I am so not. My thoughts were along the lines of, “Wow, I really wish I could just go eat some guacamole right now. I wonder if I can convince my mom to go to the Mexican Food Embassy we saw next door. I wonder what “food embassy” even means. Do you think they will let me claim asylum for being persecuted for my beliefs on bacon? I should probably put on another dress now…”

Whoa! Sorry, I think I passed out for a minute there. This dress is just so damn boring. I mean, it tries to be interesting with this twisted thing at the waist, but even the color is dull. It is…just…so…zzzzzzz.

Ok, I’m awake now, and for reals, who let me hold on to this dress for so long?! Cause someone needs to be blamed for letting me think this dress might actually work. Seriously, it is completely opposite of what I wanted in a dress. First, it’s strapless. Second, there isn’t a stitch of lace to be had. Third, these accent things are making my derrière look like it could fly away. This dress is so bad, it even pisses off the girl trying on dresses next to me. I feel the hate emanating from those eyes.

Rainbow Brite boobs here! The King of Shadows has cast his gloomy spell on this dress and made it devoid of any interesting detail. I may be smiling, but that’s only because I can see my majestic flying horse, Starlight, coming to rescue me from the drudgery of dress shopping. With the help of the color kids, we will find the Color Belt and bring color and interest back to dresses everywhere!

I am not a crook, but I might be if I could have zipped this tiny dress up and snuck out with it. It’s a Vera Wang (hence the “V” hand signals). This is the first and last Vera Wang gown to ever grace my body. My dad was convinced I would buy a Vera Wang gown, partially because her designs are so beautiful, but mostly because she’s the only wedding-dress designer he has ever heard of. Sorry, Dad. It was not meant to be.

I tried to love this dress. It had the lace appliqués that Mr. Pony seemed to like, and I liked the feel of the satin. But I couldn’t get past the fact that it was strapless and the wrong color. The champagne color really didn’t do anything for my skin tone and, with all the changes I would want to make, this dress wouldn’t be the bargain I had my heart set on. Maybe a view from the back would change my mind?

Nope. Not sold. Instead, all I see is a train that never ends and some accent sash that seems like an underdeveloped afterthought. Plus, this thing was heavy. Not ideal for a summer wedding outside. Sorry, curve-loving dress. You’re out, too.

When I see this picture, I imagine Kevin from The Office saying, “Nice. Boobs.” There are a couple of interesting seams in this dress, but nothing very appealing. Unless you find a neckline that screams “LOOK AT MY CHEST” appealing, but I was looking for something a little more demure. And with more personality. In the end, this one went back on the rack (hehe) too.

Obviously, none of these dresses worked for me, even though most were very pretty. Hopefully some of these dresses were perfect for another girl at the sale and are loved and appreciated by their owners.

Up next, tips for a successful ROTB experience!

*All personal Pony photos, except the doggie in the beginning*