Weddingbee Blog

“I have had to fight like hell and fighting like hell has made me what I am.” - John Arbuthnot Fisher

…or we could call it by it’s more common name…the name that we never want to associate with our weddings:

COLD FEET.

Now, when I say “cold feet,” what do you think of? I think of the movie “Runaway Bride,” the wave of fear washing over Julia Roberts’ face as she heads down the aisle, freezing her up and sending her flying out the church doors.

“Runaway Bride” via jacnaber.com

Or you might thinking of the groom waiting at the altar, Here Comes the Bride starting up, everyone standing…and waiting…waiting…waiting for the bride to emerge. But she never does.

So yeah, i just said it. COLD FEET. Did you shudder like I did? Feel your stomach drop to the floor? And you might be thinking, “WHY is Miss O writing a post about cold feet??? 2 days before her wedding?!?!“

Why? Because it’s a topic that’s absolutely terrifying, is rarely uttered in the rosy world of wedding blog land…

And can happen to anyone, even the soon-to-be-wedded, seemingly unshakable duos.

Like the Ostriches.

Sure, we’ve been together over a decade. We’re super best friends. And we love each other with all our hearts. Soooooo…where in this happily-ever-after equation is a variable of cold feet??

It lies in FEAR. Fear of failure (not being the perfect partner). Fear of abandonment. Fear of change. And the biggie? Fear of FOREVER.

This overwhelming idea of permanence is what chip-chip-chipped away at our rock solid confidence about our upcoming nuptials.

Mr. O comes from a divorced family and—until he met me—never wanted to marry because of the damage a divorce can do. But over time, my sunny charm melted his heart and quelled his fears of the big D word. And then one day, there he was, talking family and forever and all the fairytale ending goodness a girl dreams of.

…until we went to order our wedding rings.

I’ll never be able to accurately describe the tsunami of fears that washed over him on that day, and the days that followed, because I didn’t experience them. I know that every action, word, expression was magnified in Mr. O’s eyes by one million. Every mishap and obstacle was perceived as “A SIGN.” He was visibly on edge, shaken to his core…and trying with every fiber of his being to NOT RUN. And then, after a while, the waves of fear would subside, he’d come to his senses and feel horrible horrible horrible for acting on the seeds of doubt—like a man possessed—that had been planted in his brain by the Terrible Cold Feet.

I can, however, tell you about my feelings on the receiving end. What it’s like to watch the person you love with all your heart and soul dismiss a decade of a life built together because of “A SIGN,” be so close and yet feel so far away…and try to run away from you.

Actually, I take that back. I can’t accurately describe the feeling. It’s so jarring of an experience, it’s beyond words. I can say is it’s an epic mess of confusion, fear, hurt, pain, fury, determination…and love. You watch your life shatter into a million pieces. You may punch a wall, kick a car tire, break a glass (or two). I can say it hurts so bad you cry more on the inside than you do on the outside. And when you do cry, it is so insane if redefines the definition of ugly cry. You’re boiling over…and you reach a point where you have to make a choice.

FIGHT OR FLIGHT.

Mr. O tried to anchor himself to his love for me to keep him from acting on the ultimate goal of the Terrible Cold Feet—”Don’t Get Married!”—he was trying to FIGHT. Sometimes he would stumble and show signs of weakness, but he never gave in.

And as the one on the receiving end of this doubt, this “I don’t think we should get married,” madness, I could’ve done one of two things. I could’ve been TOTALLY PISSED, insulted and interpreted his cold feet as “A SIGN” of my own that getting married is a bad idea. And basically, I’d be falling into the trap that the Terrible Cold Feet set for me—”Don’t Get Married!”

Or, like Mr. O, I could FIGHT. Let the zingers of doubt pass me by, know that it’s the fear talking, look beyond those eyes of fear…and fiercely grab his hand, hug him tight, and tell him “I know you’re scared. But you’re not alone. I still love you.”

And so I chose to FIGHT. Every time. And seeing this gave Mr. O more strength to fight, too. Because at the end of they day, in our future life together we’ll come across other frightening challenges that can either drive a wedge between us or strengthen our bond, depending if we choose to Fight or Flight. Marriage is not about peace and rainbows. It’s a marathon of adventure, challenges…and fighting. So we better start practicing now.

Now I believe there may be some other cold feet stories out there…and I’d love to hear about them (I can’t be the only one, can I?). So know that this is a safe place to share your story…and know that I’ve walked in your shoes, lived to tell the tale and am always here to listen.