I’ve been suffering, hive. I’ve got a bad case of bridal paralysis. Have you ever had that feeling where you have so so many things to do that you feel like the top of your head is going to float off and you’re going to forget all those tasks you need to do because they’ve escaped out the top of your head? Yeah, that’s how I’ve been feeling.
I feel like I’ve got so much to do that I can’t actually do any of it. Instead of being proactive and doing something, I sit and stare at the computer, only half-reading the fluff and stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with our wedding. Cinnamon Buns plays video games behind me blissfully unaware that while it looks like I’m engrossed in a article about Kate Middleton’s dress, there’s actually a running litany of:
we don’t have tables we don’t have linens we need more hotel rooms I’ve got that doctor appointment sometime, I need to make more flowers, I need to knit faster, I need to do laundry, I guess I can buy socks tomorrow, we’re out of milk, I haven’t cleaned the office in weeks, I need to book dress fittings, why isn’t my wedding this pretty, what are we doing for centrepieces, will our DJ suck, will people like the wedding, I don’t think I’m going to get a bridal shower or a bachelorette…
It’s endless. It’s a deep, dark rabbit hole of worry and stress, some of which I shouldn’t even be worrying about at this point.
It hasn’t helped that I worked 12PM to 12AM all week last week. Have I mentioned that theatre is a 6-day work week? I tell people I get Mondays off and they get all jealous, until I say “No, Monday is my only day off. It is my 1-day weekend.” If I was home at all last week I was asleep or eating breakfast before heading in.
Even before that, when I was working 9AM to 6PM I’d get home from work, sit on the couch with some food, and contemplate the to-do list. It was usually so scary I wouldn’t move my butt from the couch until Cinnamon Buns got home at 10PM. I couldn’t even muster the energy to stand up and do dishes or take out the trash.
I’ve almost been reduced to tears through it—I’ve had a few days where I’ve just felt like crying at work for no reason, but I’ve held it in. I’ve also been on hold with my insurance company for 1-2 hours per day for the last four days trying to cancel the insurance on my totaled car. I think one morning I did cry, because I’d been on hold for 1.5 hours, waiting for someone to pick up, and no one did before I had to leave for work. I exploded all over Cinnamon Buns with everything we had to get done, everything we had to do, everything that wasn’t getting done, everything that I could have done in that 1.5 hours if I hadn’t been on hold with the stupid insurance people. In reality, if I hadn’t been on hold for that 1.5 hours, I probably would have still sat and stared blankly at the computer until it was time to go. Cinnamon Buns did a great job of calming me down, like he always does when I get a bit crazy.
Work should calm down this week, and I’m hoping that not only my DIY mojo comes back, but my whole wedding mojo reappears. Any sort of energy! I have to say that I feel a little bit like a zombie, and I’m 50-something days away from the wedding. As I’ve sat here writing this and browsing whatever it is that I browse, four hours have gone by and I haven’t made another paper flower. I haven’t finished that second sock that I’m making CB. I haven’t emailed guests the new hotel info we had to scramble to sort out last week because our first hotel were assholes.
I’ve hit a point where I’m now looking forward to our two mini-honeymoons more often that I daydream about the wedding. Which is weird, because I still love our wedding, and weddings in general. I still feel like I’d be good at planning other people’s weddings. I’ve just lost my drive, and at a critical time, no less.
There isn’t an ending to this post yet, because that is how I feel currently. I hope that next week I might have an update of progress I’ve made, but the bottom of this rabbit hole feels very far down, and the real world outside is a long way away. I am encouraged by the fact that I’ve managed to put this into semi-coherent words to share with you. Let other brides out there know that there can be huge things like this that mean you do nothing wedding-related for 3 weeks besides worry. Hopefully I’ll have a cheery story about making it through the tunnel soon.
Has anyone else hit a roadblock like this? What did it take to get going again?
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