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Sounds crazy, right? But I’m trying to figure out how to do just that.
You see, I have some very opinionated family members. Some people might appreciate it. Some people call it pushy. I call it awkward.
So, here’s the deal. My very kind, generous, and well-intentioned family member keeps asking me if I want to borrow certain items to use for our wedding. Specifically, she has mentioned a ring bearer’s pillow and flower-girl basket. My mother made both of these things for her to use on her wedding day, and now she is offering them to me. On the surface, this seems like a sweet gesture. But, I don’t want them and it is making me feel uncomfortable.
First, we are still undecided on whether we are having a ring bearer and/or flower girl. Mr. Pony has a nephew that is the perfect age to be a ring bearer, but he can be unpredictable (like most five-year-olds are). There is also a severe lack of age-appropriate girls in our families to fulfill the role of flower girl.
Second, these things are not my style. My aunt got married in 1997. And it shows. Plus, they are über traditional looking, which is really not my style.
Think this:
Both via Jessica’s Wedding
They’re full of bright white satin and frills—not exactly the charming vintage accoutrement I had in mind.
Finally, and possibly the most ridiculous reason for refusing these freely offered goods, this family member’s marriage has recently ended. I am not generally a superstitious person, but I’ve heard you are only supposed to incorporate items from happy marriages into your wedding. (Or is it just for things the brides wears to fulfill the old, new, borrowed, and blue tradition? I’m not sure, but does it even matter if I just don’t like them and I want to use something that fits more with my personality and style? Or if I want something from this century?)
So, how do I gracefully refuse generous offers like this when they come my way? So far, my method has been to evade the subject completely, but this family member is quite tenacious and brings it up frequently. Which brings out the guilt. “Oh, I have that ring-bear pillow and flower-girl basket. You know your mom made those. I don’t need them anymore since we’re not together.” Cue awkward incoherent mumblings from my direction.
I don’t want to be rude or insensitive for refusing her generous offer of items that were clearly meaningful to her, but I am sure they will not be used on our wedding day.
So I need a firm yet polite way to say “thanks, but no thanks” and ward off further offers and ensuing awkwardness.
Have you ever turned down free wedding stuff? Do you have a choice phrase for dealing with uncomfortable wedding situations?
“So I need a firm yet polite way to say “thanks, but no thanks” and ward off further offers and ensuing awkwardness.”
Can’t you say it just like that? I don’t see why the reasons you’ve told us, couldn’t just be told to them?
“Sorry, we aren’t sure if we are having a ring bearer and flower girl” or “Thanks for the offer, but I’m not sure they fit with the rest of the wedding theme”
and if you dont want to just tell them that.. tell them you already found something else that’s perfect, so you dont really need hers!
Could your mom make you some items that are more appropriate for your type of wedding? That way you can say that it will be special for her to make them for you, even though you appreciate the offer etc.
And, if you are really not having a flower girl/ring bearer, that seems like a perfectly good excuse to me! 
I’d think of just taking them, thanking her profusely, and then not using them. If the reason you don’t use them is that you don’t have a flower girl/ring bearer, I don’t think any explaination would be necessary. If you instead decide to include these roles, just with different stuff, I’d maybe give her a heads up beforehand that for whatever reason (flower girl refused it? Spilled red wine on them?) that you regrettably had to use other things.
I myself am also a people pleaser and have a hard time turning things down. At least your items are just things, my fiance’s uncle offered to put in a word at his church (which he is extremely involved at), we booked our wedding there (even though I really didn’t like it) and then I had to tell him that I decided to go with a different church due to the change of venue and distance (the excuse i used). I would just say “thanks, but we would like to go with a less traditional look and are probably going to have my mother make something to fit our look”. I really don’t think there is any harm in that! Good luck
you are so sweet and funny, Pony. In wedding planning it seems everyone feels free to offer help and advice, and it is hard to find the right way sometimes to decline when you don’t actually want it.
You could explain to her that her offer is very kind, but you are looking for or will be making something that fits your whole look better, something that is new and has significance for you guys. Or tell her you aren’t having RB/FG so she’ll lay off, then do whatever you want. Good luck!
I don’t necessarily think you have to abide by the “happy marriage rule” if the item has independent significance - ie. i’m tying my grandmother’s wedding ring to my bouquet as my “something old”, but my grandparents were actually divorced. my grandma and i, however, were very very close (she died when i was 12). so i feel comfortable having the ring with me. of course that’s a personal decision.
however, since these things don’t go with your wedding and you don’t even know if you’d have a use for them, don’t feel bad declining them. good luck!
ps. Central Illinois represent! (I’m from the 3-0-9 as well)
I agree with the above comments. Thank your aunt for thinking of you and being generous but say they just don’t match the rest of the wedding decor you’ve picked out. Then maybe tell you aunt some other details about the wedding–she probably is just wants to see you happy and be involved.
It almost sounds like she wants to get rid of it but feels guilty because your mom made it. Giving it to you is an easy way out and she might think you want it.
What I would probably do is say, “Thanks so much for offering, but we have something else in mind that is a little less traditional.”
I would also probably make up a little white lie as an excuse. “Even though I’m not using it, I know a few brides that it might be perfect for.” And then donate it goodwill, list it for free on the wb classifieds, or something else.
Say, Thank you! I’ll keep that in mind! We might want something a little different, so I’ll let you know what we decide.
I get the not wanting to put items from failed marriages in your wedding on some level (my mom had saved a button from her first wedding dress to put onto mine… I ended up having to tell her I just didn’t want it; her first marriage was a disaster), but for things like a flower girl basket… you might end up changing your mind.
I would just thank her for the thought, but tell her you have already purchased something else before you realized she had those. Even if that’s a lie. It is probably the fastest way to end the issue without hurting feelings.
I’m totally on team lox… my brilliant idea was to say that Mr. Pony’s family had already given/made the various items, so your hands are tied. Fibbing is ALWAYS the best 
Hahaha, yeah we all understand family members not having your vision…my sweet sweet mom suggested the other day that I get the seamstress to add ribbon straps to my awesome strapless dress if I’m worried about fussing with it the whole time. Silly suggestion, I just told her “no, it won’t fit the look of the dress”, so maybe you can say that to your family members “No thanks, that won’t go with the look of my wedding” then they won’t feel bad…
Just say you already have it. And if they know you don’t just lie and say its been ordered lol. My grandma keeps pushing redic old purses, accessories, and the like at me that are hideous. I just smile & say thanks, but oh snap I already have that!
I think it’ll be understandable just to say that your not sure if you’re even going to have a ring barer or flower girl yet, and that you are looking for more of a classic vintage feel. I’m sure she’ll understand and back off.
Thanks for all the great suggestions. I kind of hate confrontation and don’t want to upset my aunt so this has been a sticky subject for me.
@Viviana: Wow, that is rough. You handled it way better than I would have.
@organicgal: Thanks!
@bee_elle: HEYYYOO! 3-0-9 Rocks!
@Courtnee: You’re right, she probably does just want to be involved, which makes saying no that much harder for me.
@Miss Lox: Lox, you are so wise. I’m glad you’re here.
@Miss 1Cent: Nice, I admire your ability to stick up for yourself.
@mariewest: I’m sure she would understand, I just need to learn how to be more assertive.
Eep! Those kind of confrontations (especially within family) are the worst! My go-to line was something like: “I really appreciate the sweet offer, but we’ve already got it covered.”
Just tell her the truth and get it over with. Maybe tell her that you might consider it if she doesn’t mind that you revamp them a little bit (or a lot if it is possible).
I tried the thanks and no thanks to toasting flutes. My mom kept telling my sis/maid of honor that it was her responsibility to purchase them for us and no amount of no thank you kept her from buying us some out of control beautiful Kate Spade flutes now im eating my words because i really really love my flutes!
Bahaha, I totally feel you, Pony! I have the most ridiculously difficult time saying “no” to people. I have no idea why that is, but I just CAN’T do it. It’s so frustrating—especially while planning a wedding and EVERYONE wants to give you something to incorporate into your wedding day. Gaahhh. Anyway, wish I had some advice for ya…but I’m in your boat 
just take it and thank her, then dont use it and when she asked you tell her that you didnt have anyone to fulfill those roles!
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Mrs. Pony, Bloomington, IL Age and Occupation: 25, Attorney Fiance's Age and Occupation: 34, Attorney Engagement Date: March 22, 2010 Wedding Date: September 2011 Venue: Mackinaw Valley Vineyard; Bloomington Center for the Performing Arts About Me: I found my Southern counterpart in law school and since he popped the question last March, we have been busy graduating, job searching, bar taking, and wedding planning. My loves include must see TV, magnets, quotes, anything green, my car, fun socks, the Cubs, and my Mr. Together we love wine, playing outside, and exploring the world together. Stay tuned to see our Midwest wedding full of Southern charm, vintage flair, lots of DIY details, and a whole lot o’ wine.
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