Pop culture has made being the 10 letter “b” word so commonplace that you forget that it’s not like a switch gets turned on the moment you have a ring on your finger. I was so sure that I wouldn’t be that horrible word because I was raised to be considerate (to a fault) of other people’s feelings. It almost pains me to make a decision that’s just about me. This causes all kinds of guilt on a normal everyday basis but when it came to planning the wedding, the guilt that sort of buzzes in my ear regularly turned crushing.
Before the guilt though, came fear—am I allowed to ask for what I want? If I do, will I be called the “b” word? And when we were making the big decisions, like location, that fear ran through me hardcore. Will people think badly of me because I’m not having it in my own hometown? Will my family members think I’m not standing up for myself and letting the future in laws have more say? Will the important people in my life be there?
And then, after weighing all the pros and cons and deciding to have it in Nashville, will my friends and family think that I’m being too demanding? Because while most of the time you might say “Who cares what other people think!”, this time it’s all about those VIPs in your life, those whose opinions you care most about. Who will have to travel long distances, possibly taking off work and spending an exorbitant amount of money just to get to the wedding. MAJOR GUILT.
A lot of you may have noticed that my posts are heavy on the DIY. That’s because I take the most pleasure out of this aspect of planning. Early in the process, I was telling someone about what I had planned on doing for decor and the person said to me, as a way of discouraging me from working on any DIY, “No one will care or even notice any of that.” To be fair, this person probably thought she was saving me from doing too much work. But anyone who knows me understands that I LOVE projects. And to tell me that no one will care about the love I’m putting into my own wedding is a terribly hurtful thing to say.
So I insisted on the projects. I insisted on embroidering the table numbers and making the napkin rings and the ring book and all the jewelry for the attendants and the escort cards. On altering the sparkle on my dress, on making my veil. Because that was what I wanted. But all the while, I wonder if I wasn’t doing more to be accommodating to what other people wanted and what their expectations were for Mr. and Miss Crepe’s wedding. I should spend less time on the projects so that people won’t think I’m a control freak, that 10 letter B. I realize, as I’m writing this, that it doesn’t really make much sense. When you’re wallowing in guilt, you tend to lose perspective.
It was also the guilt that caused me to tell my MOH not to throw me a bridal shower—I didn’t need another party or the gifts because the people who would be there are probably going to be the ones who are also coming to the wedding, which meant that they would be spending even more money and having to take the time out of their busy schedules to get together. I’m glad that my bridesmaid convinced me to let my MOH do it though because I had so much fun and felt so damned loved. (And if I’m honest, about 10-20% guilty at various levels throughout the day. Because I obviously can’t turn that off.)
So now, with a week before I leave for Nashville, meltdowns are increasing at an alarming rate. Poor Mr. Crepe is getting most of this (even though he doesn’t deserve it. Well, most of it anyway). I think I’ve officially earned Bridezilla status. All the guilt and fear and trying to accommodate everyone and hearing other people’s expectations of what this wedding should be like for a variety of reasons and trying to compromise to make everyone else happy has turned me into an over emotional, high strung monster.
Is it totally wrong that I actually find this image kind of adorable?
And I think I finally get this whole Bridezilla thing—it’s not that I feel that this is MY wedding and I want what I want, or that I expect people to come to our wedding even if it’s far and expensive, or that I want or expect everything to be perfect. I don’t feel any of those things! It’s just that at this point, with almost every decision, I have wrestled—sometimes with Mr. Crepe or his family or my family, but mostly with myself—and I just can’t do it anymore. With a couple weeks left before the wedding, I don’t know if I have it in me to consider anyone else’s opinions.
Have you experienced this kind of crushing guilt brought on by wedding planning? How did you handle it?