Pop culture has made being the 10 letter “b” word so commonplace that you forget that it’s not like a switch gets turned on the moment you have a ring on your finger. I was so sure that I wouldn’t be that horrible word because I was raised to be considerate (to a fault) of other people’s feelings. It almost pains me to make a decision that’s just about me. This causes all kinds of guilt on a normal everyday basis but when it came to planning the wedding, the guilt that sort of buzzes in my ear regularly turned crushing.
Before the guilt though, came fear—am I allowed to ask for what I want? If I do, will I be called the “b” word? And when we were making the big decisions, like location, that fear ran through me hardcore. Will people think badly of me because I’m not having it in my own hometown? Will my family members think I’m not standing up for myself and letting the future in laws have more say? Will the important people in my life be there?
And then, after weighing all the pros and cons and deciding to have it in Nashville, will my friends and family think that I’m being too demanding? Because while most of the time you might say “Who cares what other people think!”, this time it’s all about those VIPs in your life, those whose opinions you care most about. Who will have to travel long distances, possibly taking off work and spending an exorbitant amount of money just to get to the wedding. MAJOR GUILT.
A lot of you may have noticed that my posts are heavy on the DIY. That’s because I take the most pleasure out of this aspect of planning. Early in the process, I was telling someone about what I had planned on doing for decor and the person said to me, as a way of discouraging me from working on any DIY, “No one will care or even notice any of that.” To be fair, this person probably thought she was saving me from doing too much work. But anyone who knows me understands that I LOVE projects. And to tell me that no one will care about the love I’m putting into my own wedding is a terribly hurtful thing to say.
So I insisted on the projects. I insisted on embroidering the table numbers and making the napkin rings and the ring book and all the jewelry for the attendants and the escort cards. On altering the sparkle on my dress, on making my veil. Because that was what I wanted. But all the while, I wonder if I wasn’t doing more to be accommodating to what other people wanted and what their expectations were for Mr. and Miss Crepe’s wedding. I should spend less time on the projects so that people won’t think I’m a control freak, that 10 letter B. I realize, as I’m writing this, that it doesn’t really make much sense. When you’re wallowing in guilt, you tend to lose perspective.
It was also the guilt that caused me to tell my MOH not to throw me a bridal shower—I didn’t need another party or the gifts because the people who would be there are probably going to be the ones who are also coming to the wedding, which meant that they would be spending even more money and having to take the time out of their busy schedules to get together. I’m glad that my bridesmaid convinced me to let my MOH do it though because I had so much fun and felt so damned loved. (And if I’m honest, about 10-20% guilty at various levels throughout the day. Because I obviously can’t turn that off.)
So now, with a week before I leave for Nashville, meltdowns are increasing at an alarming rate. Poor Mr. Crepe is getting most of this (even though he doesn’t deserve it. Well, most of it anyway). I think I’ve officially earned Bridezilla status. All the guilt and fear and trying to accommodate everyone and hearing other people’s expectations of what this wedding should be like for a variety of reasons and trying to compromise to make everyone else happy has turned me into an over emotional, high strung monster.
Is it totally wrong that I actually find this image kind of adorable?
And I think I finally get this whole Bridezilla thing—it’s not that I feel that this is MY wedding and I want what I want, or that I expect people to come to our wedding even if it’s far and expensive, or that I want or expect everything to be perfect. I don’t feel any of those things! It’s just that at this point, with almost every decision, I have wrestled—sometimes with Mr. Crepe or his family or my family, but mostly with myself—and I just can’t do it anymore. With a couple weeks left before the wedding, I don’t know if I have it in me to consider anyone else’s opinions.
Have you experienced this kind of crushing guilt brought on by wedding planning? How did you handle it?
I struggle with this a lot. I even let my BM’s have almost complete control on what they are wearing, my only requirement being a color, and they even talked me out of that. Where is the line between being the 10-letter B word and simply going for what you want in a situation where you should actually get what you want? I have yet to figure that out.
Can I tell you how much I loved that you used a picture from “Why Mosquitoes Buzz in People’s Ears?” 
Ha, love that mosquito pic too Big hugs, Crepe. I know it’s all frustrating and busy and crazy right now, but it’s SO SOON! And then it will just be your amazing day, celebrating the two of you. You will get through this!!!
Oh honey. This post speaks for *exactly* how I feel about wedding planning.
You are not a bridezilla, which is a dirty, overused word that lumps “cares a lot” right in there with “makes unreasonable screaming requests on everyone, throws heavy objects at family.” I could go on a thesis-length rant about how I feel about THAT particular turn of popcultural language, but this isn’t about this, it is about you.
Planning a wedding is hard. Making everyone happy (even though, I hardly need to remind you, it isn’t actually your job to do so) is hard. Making decisions (and feeling like the wedding is a reflection on you, your choices, your family, your life) is really, really hard, and often times we tend to ignore that. Every choice you make these days is kind of imbued with wedding-ness, right? I sometimes feel like it has to be right because it is for the Wedding. Napkins? No longer just napkins. Wedding Napkins. Kleenex? Wedding Kleenex! If I don’t get it right, Terrible Things Will Happen! Sometimes, its hard to get out of your own head and let go of these feelings, especially when it seems like everyone else’s feelings are hanging on yours.
Ask yourself:
1. If I were in Person X’s shoes, would I feel put out/angry/hurt/uncomfortable?
Answer: probably not. Corrollary question: Would I be able to get over it? Probably).
2. Will Decision X ruin Person X’s experience at the wedding?
Answer: almost certainly not. Person X wants to come to your wedding. They want to GROOVE. And CRY. And LOVE YOU. And maybe embarassingly sing along to some 80s music? And then HUG YOU. And LOVE YOU some more. I promise. And if they do not feel these things, they will be the sad, sad, loner at the party full of people who do want to LOVE YOU. And SHOUT FOR JOY. Weddings make hearts just fill up with happy, even when planning them sometimes does not. I promise: your guests want to come to Nashville because they think you are radtastic. They can get dressed up and find free drinks almost anywhere—but seeing you get all married and wrapped up in love is something they’ve been anticipating for months.
Also: its ok to craft and DIY, if you want to, and even if you only do it because you want to. And it really is ok to love your DIY a seemingly disproportionate amount, even if other people do not appreciate how ridiculously addictive the Michaels sale coupons are. No, it isn’t for everyone, but if you love it, you can own it.
For the record, I would totally notice your DIY details. And then I would freak out and save them in my little mental notes and think they were SO precious and sweet. It’s ok to revel in them: if you love your arts and crafts (which hey, you must: they are freaking adorable), the wedding is a perfect excuse to play with them. People will notice. Some people may not notice as much as others, but some kindred spirit is totally going to freak out about the awesomeness of your table numbers. And if they don’t? You crafted them with love, from your own two hands, and when you are old and grey, you’ll still be able to say: look, little grandchildren, what I made for my wedding day.
And that, my friend, is pretty rad.
@future.mrs.awe: I’m glad that someone else understands!! I hope you find that balance soon so it doesn’t drive you crazy too.
@haelmai: @Miss Candy Apple: Thanks ladies, I loved that book as a kid. Haha 
@notabene: That is the most epic comment of all time.. Thank you so much for writing all of that out for me and it was all so comforting to hear. Part of trying not to be an inconsiderate bride is that I vent as little as possible so your words mean more than you know.
*HUG* I don’t feel (much) guilt about our wedding, but I do feel like I could be portrayed as a bridezilla. Not because I’m really that controlling, but because we’re trying to keep the budget down, and that means taking matters into my own hands (ie out of some vendors’). So I get it. And I’ve pretty much cried every day for the past week, but it’s SO CLOSE for both of us! So take a good deep breath and keep chugging along, and your wedding is going to be so beautiful! And I can think of at least a couple thousand people here who are VERY interested in all that DIY.
I’m a bad bad bride. I feel NO GUILT about the wedding and what we’re doing.
Here’s why: it’s my and my FI’s wedding. Our kids are involved (so-called “helping” to make crafts, choosing colors, etc). We’ve both been married before and we’re making this wedding about US: me, him, our children.
Our family and friends support us and don’t care what type of wedding we have, as long as we’re happy. Well, our friends and MOST of the family, anyway, lol. Those who don’t approve of the fun, casual “party-like air”, will moan and grumble amongst themselves and frown but not complain to us.
Besides, we’re footing the bill and our opinion is, whoever foots the bill, gets the say on what happens. (there’s also the fact that our friends who are “in the know” LOVE the idea and are totally for it, lol.)
*hugs* Your wedding details and DIY are great because you love them and because there are going to be people who notice, appreciate, and love them as much as you do (especially lots of people right here).
Don’t feel bad about meltdowns. You’re feeling this way because it is important and you’ve put so much of yourself into this wedding, which is a beautiful thing. You’ll be celebrating so soon and seeing the fruits of your labor it will all be worth it. Hang in there! We love you!
i am the SAME WAY. i obsess over what works for everyone else and feel guilty about EVERYTHING- right down to trying to get out of a bridal shower.
thanks for writing this- i’ve been feeling like a crazy person for breaking my back over seating arrangements, directions, etc…but some of us just have the people-pleaser complex! so…if i’m crazy, at least you’re crazy too
I could have written this. All the guilt makes it difficult to enjoy the process sometimes. The ‘zilla comes out when you’ve finally made a decision that will please (almost) everyone and something threatens to derail it all. Know you have a sympathetic ear o’er here!
i struggle with guilt so so much in everday life as well. it’s exhausting, but i don’t know how to turn it off. i usually end up hurting people more by trying to cater to them than if i would just stand up for myself. here’s to finding a balance! good luck with the rest of your (stress-free hopefully!) planning
I totally feel you about the guilt, Crepe. I’m sorry you’re going through this; it’s so, so hard to ignore other people’s expectations (especially this close to the wedding). I’ve adored all of your DIY projects!
I know from years of listening to brides, it is such a difficult thing to manage the feelings of everyone else as you prepare your wedding details/venue/food etc. I think, without meaning to be callous, you simply must make the choices and pray/hope your decisions (including your fiance’s of course) fit well for as many of those VIP’s as they can. My recommendations when I get calls from my couples with those “this is what my parents think, but my best friends cannot make it if its there” type of questions, is simply make it a choice you can live with, and don’t worry that some may not find it the best one. Not selfish, or bridezilla IMO.
You’re not crazy, and you’re NO bridezilla. I hate that word, btw, but I think the ‘zilla stereotype is all about women who don’t worry whether they’re being bridezillas. That’s the difference. The fact that you care says that you’re just a person spending a lot of time, emotional energy, and money planning a super important day – the day you begin your marriage! If you didn’t care at all about the day, now THAT would be crazy. {{big hugs}}
You and I are cut from the same cloth, I hate to call us sensitive, but anyone who’s so affected by what other people think just is. We’re just big sensies!
Another Bee, Miss Sloth I believe, mentioned once that Bridezilla is just a word that very mean women give themselves to make excuses for the way they really are anyway. For example: an overweight bride forces her bridesmaids to weigh more than her so she looks better by comparison on her wedding day. That woman is not being a bridezilla, she’s being the other “b” word but using bridezilla as an excuse to be really cruel.
However, I think Miss Sloth brought up a very very good point; if you’re a bridezilla, you were already that way, but now you’ve just given it a different name. The kicker is that bridezilla DOES NOT have to be a bad word! For you, being a bridezilla means that you’re done feeling guilty about everyone’s expectations not being met. I get so angry when people put in their two cents; making snide comments about what they hope you do for the wedding as if their opinion is more important than yours! Screw those people. And if that makes me a bridezilla, so be it. Save your comments for your own wedding!
As far as the DIY thing, I faced the same criticisms, people assumed I just wanted to DIY to save money. Umm, have I not been crafty my whole life? Do you not see or did you not hear that I am really enjoying doing it?? I would also be very upset if someone told me no one would even notice. They will, dammit, because I said so!
As far as your fiance, that’s what he’s there for, and I am sure he’s happy to let you vent. I know mine is, I mean… maybe not happy, but willing I’m sure he knows your personality by now and understands that this is upsetting you and that you need to get it out.
You’re at a point now where nothing is going to change, it’s too late, and the people who really want to be there for you are going to be there, and they would be downright bad people to complain. And hopefully, if they are the complaining type, they should just stay home. I am also really sensitive to those snide little comments and I absolutely hate it that people don’t get that, they think they can say whatever and I’ll “know they’re just joking.” You’re not joking and you really hurt my feelings! And it’s unfair for both of us to be made to feel that way, so stop listening to those people, make the day the way you want it!
By the way, “Why Mosquitoes Buzz in People’s Ears” was one of my fave books when I was a kid. Good luck!!!
Oh boy Crepe, I so feel you on this one. I have been feeling so GUILTY lately and I was planning on writing a post about it too. Yesterday I was talking to Mr. G about it and he said something to the effect of this (quoted from Wikipedia):
Guilt a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes—accurately or not—that he or she has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that violation.
He asked me if I had violated a moral standard and…no, I don’t believe I have. But I still feel guilty that both Mr G’s BM and GM have both said at times that they may not be able to make it because of $. And that most of Mr. G’s friends won’t be at our wedding because of $. He said he knew this was possible when we started planning it so he is okay with it. But I still feel bad for him and guilty about the money people are spending to come to our wedding since most people have to travel.
So no advice really, just commiseration!
My mom called me a bridezilla 3 times this morning, because I told her I was to busy with projects for my Friday morning wedding (as in 2 1/2 days) to tell her over the phone where each table would be and the names of everyone at each table. Usually at least once every conversation she calls me one but no one else has. She says I am because I want the wedding to reflect my style and not hers and don’t really want to share the details (I’m DIYing everything & want to surprise everyone with all I’m doing). I just don’t care anymore if she’s upset (she got married twice & just divorced my dad so will probably get married again). She is very opinionated and so am I, and since I am the one paying for the projects I’m working on and doing all the work I figure its my choice & my FI’s choice really.
@Miss Hyena: That’s part of our problem! Keeping costs down definitely limits some things and it’s tough to explain all your choices.. Thank you so much. I’ve pretty much been on edge all week too.. we’re almost there!!
@Ryna: Go you!! It should be all about just you and your kids.. I think that’s awesome that you don’t feel the pressure!
@Miss Pony: Thank you so much for your support!!! This is why I love this place- I can share all my crazy PLUS all the DIY and nobody judges!!
@Miss Prairie Dog: You called it– I definitely have the people pleaser complex! Haha and yes, I think we’re all a little crazy. 
@Miss Pain au Chocolat: Thanks for chiming in!! I knew I could count on at least a couple of people who might feel where I’m coming from.
@sarah: You’re definitely not alone! Here’s to hoping that we find a balance, not just with wedding planning but on a daily basis too.
@Miss Tartlet: Thanks Tartlet!! I’m just happy that there’s a place like this where I can air all my DIY craziness and it’s aaaall okay.
@David: I really appreciate your comment– it was definitely reassuring to know that people do understand that it’s not about being selfish, it’s just about making the best choice that you can live with. Thank you.
@Ms. Ferris Wheel: You’re so sweet! Thank you.. that makes me feel tons better.
@Miss Kid: Thanks for weighing in- I think you’re right, we’re just sensitive people. Not just about our choices but also to other people’s needs, which makes this process harder. I have to just accept that what I’ve chosen to do is what I’ve got to stick with! We’re too far along to make any changes now!! You’re totally right.
@Miss Gazelle: Thanks for weighing in!! Commiseration is always welcome. And you’re absolutely correct- I haven’t violated any moral standard, so I should be ok!!
@beautifulkastrofie: I’m sorry you’re having a rough time.. it’s such a hurtful word! It sounds like your mom just wants to be included.. maybe it might help to tell her a tiny bit about the details and not all of them? And that way it will satisfy her need and help curb some of those phone calls. Good luck!!
Mrs. Crepe, Queens, NY/Nashville, TN Age and Occupation: 28, Jewelry Designer Fiance's Age and Occupation: 28, Animation Director Engagement Date: September 28, 2010 Wedding Date: May 2011 Venue: A church in downtown Nashville About Me: I'm a native New Yorker who has always been a DIY kind of girl and loves tackling creative projects while getting the most out of a dollar. I'm marrying my college sweetheart and we love frequenting antique stores, exploring together, and playing with kittens. We're planning a fun, "us" wedding in his hometown---with as many handmade touches as we can pack into a day!
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