Weddingbee Blog

Today would have been my parents’ 28th wedding anniversary.

Instead, my parents are in the middle of what seems to be a never-ending and ugly divorce.

My parents were very young when they got married. My mom was a mere 16 years old. My dad was only 19. They got married for the most cliché reason of all: my mom was pregnant with my older brother. But they also loved each other and wanted to raise their family together as a married unit.

Both of my parents gave up a lot when they got married. My mom missed out on a lot of high school and teenage experiences because she was a mother. My dad took an unfulfilling and unsatisfying job in order to support our family. Neither of my parents had the opportunity to go to college because of the choices they made. But growing up, I always recognized and appreciated the sacrifices they made so that our home could be a loving one and so that our family could be a united one.

As I grew, I constantly reveled in my parents’ marriage as a source of inspiration and pride. They weren’t perfect, and they had their fair share of fights, but they always worked things out. More importantly, they loved each other no matter what.

Then one day about three-and-a-half years ago, things were completely different. I’m not here to place blame on one party or to go into the details of their situation, but since that day, my entire view on marriage, family, and love has shifted and, in many ways, evolved.

The worst part is that I have always been right in the middle of it—physically and emotionally. While I was at school, I was Papa Pony’s rock, his outlet, and sometimes his (figurative) punching bag. I have offered my insights when asked, advice when needed, a listening ear to his musings, and my sorrow to share in his pain. I’ve had to be the mediator in difficult situations, but I’ve also been an instigator when I knew in my heart that it was the right thing to do.

Now that Mr. Pony and I live with Papa Pony, we see the yelling, the fights, and the drama center stage. Some days are absolute hell, but supporting Papa Pony through these difficult times and helping him in his healing process has been very important to me and has taught me about myself in the process.

Needless to say, my entire sense of family and relationships has been altered and changed forever after what I have experienced with my parents’ divorce.

Most days, my parents’ divorce has left me with bitter thoughts. In this divorce I’ve truly seen the worst of relationships and people: greed, inflated sense of entitlement, cruelty beyond measure, deceitful behavior, angry blowups, and some really bad lying.

In some ways, though, this situation has made me a better partner. I am more cognizant of what commitment means, what marriage requires, and just how important healthy communication is to a relationship. I also realize that being happy is not just an emotion—it is a choice.

Luckily, Mr. Pony has been amazing throughout this entire debacle.

The entire three-plus years of our relationship, Mr. Pony has weathered this emotional roller coaster with me. Through every high point and the many, many lows, he has talked with me, counseled me, and wiped my tears away. He makes an effort to talk with Papa Pony and tries to help him see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel in ways I never could.

This situation obviously makes me think about my impending nuptials and marriage. Mr. Pony and I love each other dearly. We are committed to each other and to our relationship. I have faith in myself, in Mr. Pony, and in our relationship. Still, part of me worries whether this is enough. I can’t comprehend what changes to the seemingly strongest relationships to make them end, but many times such marriages still end in divorce. I always believed my parents’ relationship was solid as can be, but the daily reality of their divorce reminds me that my perceptions can be wrong. Not critically examining our future marriage would seem naive given what I have experienced over the last few years.

Since their separation, Papa Pony often says he doesn’t understand why anyone would get married and why anyone would trust another person. I normally don’t have an answer for him (I honestly don’t think he wants one), but thinking about it now, I know that marrying Mr. Pony is the right thing for me. I want to marry Mr. Pony because he is an amazing man, because he wants the same things I do, and because when one of us inevitably changes what we want in the future, he will be willing to compromise, sacrifice, and support the changes to our relationship.

I know a lot of people are a product of divorce, and whether it is recent or a distant memory, it affects someone’s views on marriage, divorce, and relationships. I hope that anyone finding themselves in this situation, myself included, can learn from what has happened and use that knowledge to evaluate their expectations and abilities as a partner and to grow in their relationships.

So, while I love planning our wedding and agonizing over details and our color scheme, the harsh reality of divorce reminds me every day that planning for a marriage is supremely more important than planning a wedding. This difficult situation has opened my eyes to the enormity of the commitment Mr. Pony and I will embark on in a few months and how much work a happy marriage takes.

My hope is that our wedding will not only mark a new chapter for Mr. Pony and me, but for our entire family that has been affected by this toxic situation.

I debated whether I should include this post as it is incredibly personal but, in the end, I know this needs to be shared. This is a part of my story and my future with Mr. Pony, and it’s an ugly reality of many marriages today.

Sharing and discussing these issues is also an integral part of my healing process, so thank you for listening/reading.