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I’m in registry hell. This is, as Miss Magic would say, a first world problem, and I recognize that. Yet, I am still completely overwhelmed, misinformed of, and pretty much disgusted with the world of bridal registries.
A little background will probably help you understand why I’m having a problem asking people for presents. Can that even happen? Everyone likes to get stuff, right? Well, Sparks and I have lived together for almost two years now, and we have stuff. Lots of it. In fact, every time we go home, our parents try to give us more stuff. And, while we are very grateful for the things we’ve gotten for free, what has resulted is a mismatched bunch things that (to put it bluntly) no one else wanted anymore.
So when we got engaged and had the opportunity to register for some spankin’ new goods, we were excited. Really excited. We marched boldly into Crate & Barrel, requested our magic scanner, and then… stared at each other. The conversation that followed our proud entrance went something like this:
Me: Um, so do you like these beer mugs?
Sparks: I guess. Should we get them?
Me: I dunno… ok, yeah.
Sparks: Do we need anything else?
Me: Probably… Hey, do you want to go to Big Star and come back in a little?
…and we continued in this fashion for about four months. Adding a few things little by little, occasionally engaging in a frantic online registry shopping spree, only to go back and remove everything the next morning. Things were getting a little crazy. Basically, we were completely overwhelmed. And we still are.
I just keep thinking, “Yeah, I want this cassis Le Creuset braiser NOW. But will I want a freaking, purple baking dish in 25 years?!?!” This is just one example of the insanity that has taken over our household. Sparks has (almost) completely removed himself from the registry process. And I can’t say that I blame him. Towels are making me crazy, choosing place settings feels like doing Calculus, and I’m crippled with guilty thoughts of “We don’t really need any of this!”![]()

Braiser/Troublemaker via cookswarehouse.com
So I’m proposing three new types of bridal registries. Types that will: A) NOT make me crazy, and B) benefit me greatly…
1. The Interior Designer Fund
All monetary gifts will go directly to an interior designer who will pick out the perfect registry items, then decorate my home with them. Let them worry about color coordinating, slotted vs. normal serving spoons, and how many sets of sheets I really need. Whew.
2. Frequent Flyer Donations
What’s that? You have TOO MANY frequent flyer miles? Donate them to the newlyweds!
3. Binny’s
In Chicago, we have Binny’s. In other parts of the country, you might have the ABC store, the Package store, Barney’s Beer Mart, etc. The fact that these places do not offer gift registries is mind boggling. As soon as Binny’s DOES start offering this service, I will be registering for the following items, in this order: TEN bottles of 1985 Glenrothes single malt scotch, TWO full size kegs of Gossamer Golden Ale, and SIX cases of the best Rioja that Espana can export. I’ll be waiting, Binny’s. I’ll be waiting.
So who’s with me? If you could register for anything, what would it be? ![]()
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