Weddingbee Blog

That’s really interesting. I always wondered how things went after a person decided to do a full gender change. You’re a great person for sharing this with all of us. As hard as it must have been, I’m glad to see that it has worked out between you and Mr. FW. You guys have a wonderful life ahead of you!

Congratulations to Mr. FW! Our situation is very different, but since it speaks to the difference between the commitment ceremony and the legal aspect, and because I am really trying not to get any work done today (lol), I thought I’d share

Immigration issues forced our hand with marriage. We loved each other, but we wanted to be like most modern couples - living together (or at least in the same country!) for a while before deciding if marriage was for us. Unfortunately, if the government is going to let someone come here to stay, they want commitment.

We didn’t take the decision lightly — we needed what we were doing to make sense. Eventually, the conclusion that we came to was that there’s a big difference between the legal aspect of marriage (operate as a household socially and financially, take legal responsibility for each other, designate each other as the next-in-command for any of our personal affairs, etc) and the family/personal commitment you make to each other in front of your loved ones. For us, the important thing was the latter - the interpersonal/family commitment you make to stick it out in good times and bad, the sentimental/personal commitment aspect more than an acceptance of the terms contained in the legal definition.

Well, two years and some later, I can say that I’ve been legally married but we are still weeks away from the family ceremony. And although we thought it would take the social commitment to “feel married”, we were so wrong about that. The reality is that outside of the tax perks, it’s a big deal to be able to call someone your husband or wife. It’s huge to be legally entitled to be the one person to see your spouse when they’re in the hospital and everyone wants to see them, to be able to call his or her doctor and make the follow-up appointment, to have a word that corresponds to a legal term that means that you are the one person in the whole universe whom your beloved calls their most trusted person. I would not have married E when I did if I didn’t trust him completely to make good judgments if I were on life support or God forbid, died and he took over everything I own. I knew even then that he would do a better job than even my mother of doing what I would have wanted, and to me, that means he deserves the title that gives him that responsibility. We’ve been through a lot together over the last couple years — in hospitals, customs conflicts stateside and in honduras, USCIS offices…and i have to say that for only being two measly syllables, “husband” is a powerful word. It’s a ticket to being able to sweat it out together, hand in hand, instead of waiting in the lobby.

This is why I feel like the civil union concept really doesn’t cut it when people crusade against gay marriage. Outside of the fact that we could maybe stand to have better, more precise terminology (and all have civil unions that are exactly what marriage is now, minus any church component), there’s something about making it legal and gaining a title that really means a lot for your relationship.

I’m glad that (if only through a loophole, weird) you two have the option to decide whether it’s for you or not. I really wish that were a right that everybody had, because from where I stand, it’s about a lot more than “just a piece of paper”, as lots of people who choose not to get married say. I totally respect peoples’ decision to have only a civil ceremony (even if I don’t totally get it in most cases), but for us, it has turned out to mean a lot more than we ever really figured it would.