Weddingbee Blog

Well, we’re exactly 100 days out from the wedding. 100 days!! What the hell?! I feel like I’m going to hurl, it’s so close. And yet, so far! Can it not just get here right now? Sigh.

I suppose that now is as good a time as any for a sappy, emotional post. I mean, I did miss posting about this on our ome year engage-aversary (YEAH, May 9!!), so 100 days out is going to have to suffice. If you’re looking for lovely pictures, you can go away now—this is all words and mush and sap, baby!

You see, I have been really struggling to find the right words for this post; I am still trying to sort through my emotions on this, and figure out where I am in regards to the whole situation. Also, I feel awkward and weird sharing this with you, but, well, I guess that’s what this whole blog thing is for. Right?

Pretty soon after we got engaged, out of the blue, I received the following text from Mr. CA:

I’m so happy to be spending the rest of my life with you.

A few months ago, again out of the blue, I received another text:

You are an amazing and beautiful woman, the best part of my day every day, and soon to be my lovely wife. You make me happy.

Both made me tear up while I was at work. I may have just been PMS-ing (likely), but the texts really hit me hard. I’ve saved them in my phone, and look at them when I am having a cranky-pants day. Each time I read them, I am hit with the magnitude of what, exactly, this whole marriage business is about. How much bigger than me it is. How excited I am to embark on this road with Mr. CA.

I know at this point you’re thinking Okay, Candy Apple, those texts are totally normal for an engaged man to send his fiance. Why are you freaking out over them? You are crazy.

Well, remember that time I told you that Mr. CA was trying to throw me off-track before he proposed, so he acted non-committal for 8 months? I know that I acted really blase about the whole thing, and sort of played it down, but it was actually a really big issue for me during the time, and it is still a bit of a festering wound.

Now, before I go on, I don’t want you to get the wrong impression of CA, because he is the sweetest man you will ever meet, and no one could love me as much as he does. I know that he had the best of intentions when he tried to get me off the scent of the engagement—he really did want me to be surprised, after all, and was excited to play the role of doting-but-non-committal-bf so that he could pull off the ultimate surprise proposal. But, it was so rough for me to constantly hear that he wasn’t sure he wanted to get married, and that he wasn’t sure when he would be ready. It really hurt me that, as ready as I was to make the ultimate commitment before God, our family, and friends, he wasn’t certain that I was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

Clearly, now I know that wasn’t the case, but I didn’t know that then. I thought it was a reflection of me - I wasn’t good enough for him, and he was holding out for someone better to come along. It caused me so much anxiety, and self-doubt, and resentment. And the guilt. Ahh, the guilt. I felt guilty for resenting him. I felt guilty for being jealous of our friends, who seemed to be getting engaged or married all over the place during that time. I felt guilty whenever I brought up the subject of marriage and proposals, because I did not want him to feel guilted into proposing to me. (To be clear, he never said anything mean to or about me specifically—this was all just what I took away from his “I’m not sure if I want to get married!”)

I know it’s silly, but it really wore on me to constantly affirm my love for and commitment to him by telling him how much I wanted to be with him forever, when he did not reciprocate those sentiments. Obviously, I know now that he of course wants to spend the rest of his life with me. But, at the time, it really hurt.

It still annoys me when I think about the lengths he went to protect his proposal secret (although I am SO glad I was surprised like I was! I’m such a hypocrite.).

However, each time I get a text like telling me how excited he is to be able to call me his wife in a few short months, or each time he kisses me and says Good night, future Mrs. CA, I feel so incredibly happy and grateful and appreciative of his love and commitment. In a way, thinking that I didn’t have that level of commitment from him really made me more sure of what I wanted. That period of self-doubt really cemented my certainty in our relationship, and made me that much happier when I realized that he did, indeed, see us together when we’re old and grizzled and wearing diapers. Every time he mentions the wedding, or our marriage, or our future together, it makes me SO happy.

And, let me reiterate—Mr. CA does, indeed love me. I promise!

Did you or your partner ever go through a period when one person was ready and willing for marriage before the other (either real or fabricated, like our situation)? How did you handle the emotional rollercoaster? Does it still bother you? Does it make you that much more grateful/ happy for each little text and “I can’t wait to marry you”’s?