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Ugh… okay, I’m gonna be real here. I’m not super thrilled about this topic. More than just the whole superficial “what woman wants to talk about her weight” thing is the fact that I have incredibly mixed feelings about this issue.
On the one hand, I have spent a significant portion of my life fighting for my self-esteem in the face of having a lifelong struggle with maintaining a healthy weight. Professionally I work with people in developing a more positive attitude and belief system around body image no matter their size, culture, age, ability level, health status, or anything else. I don’t just believe in this as a theoretical construct—I live it!
image from The Body Shop’s “Ruby” campaign, via Splinters in Time
On the other hand, I am human. More to the point, I’m a woman living in America. (I can’t speak for other countries, though I know that some are more progressive on this issue than others.) Although I may do my best to be personally and professionally insulated from the unhealthy and often offensive messages aimed at women that exist out there, I am certainly not immune.
image via Gawker
And the wedding world (blogosphere and otherwise) is a part of that culture. Being the over-researcher that I am, I’m constantly inundated with images of beautiful, dreamy, “I want that!” weddings. But I’ve been hard pressed to find images of brides in those weddings that look like me. Is it because they don’t exist? Unlikely. More likely is that they aren’t as prominently featured in blogs, advertisements, magazines, etc.
But seriously, who wouldn’t want this:
image via Amber Kames’ Flickr page
image of Cc.elaine bridal collection via The Curvy Fashionista
So here’s my dilemma… It’s hard to have a foot on both sides of this argument. Trust me, I’ve tried. I can tell myself I’m losing weight for my health, and that wouldn’t be a total lie. Or I could tell myself that I’m making an important personal/political statement by staying exactly as I am right now, and that wouldn’t be a total lie. Both are true, yet neither is the whole story, ya know?
Here is a picture of me taken about 4 years ago:
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As you can see, this would not be my first ride on the lose weight/get healthy merry-go-round. Back then I was working really hard—mentally, physically, and emotionally—to stay on top of my weight, but I recall it feeling amazing. In the past few years I’ve forgone that hard work for other kinds of hard work, specifically my career and my relationship, and seeing those things succeed also feels amazing.
And that’s where I find myself. No clear and simple answers. Just the eternal struggle that is: to thine own self be true.
Can anyone else relate?
I, like you and so many others im sure, struggle with not having much self esteem and then going back to the “im perfect the way I am, big or small” attitude. I guess it depends on whats currently going on in my world if i take on the glass half empty or glass half full attitude. I have struggles majority of my life with weight although after a child and no longer being a teenager that can lose it like nothin i find its significantly harder to lose the weight. I cant tell though if its that its harder physically or if its more that finding the motivation\time in my adult life is the challenge. either way, love this post!!!
Hi,
This is my first time posting on a thread here but feel I must say someting as I couldn’t agree with you more. I am a size 16, but have been up to a 22 and in my early college days I was super thin, a size 4 or 6 but steadily gained after that. I eat healthy, exercise 4 days a week and yet I’m a 16. I am slowly learning to accept my body and myself. A lot of help comes from my fiancee who loves me equally through all of my ups and downs. It all, however, came into crystal clear focus when we got engaged last November. Our wedding is in 5 months and I weigh 208. I am determined to be at least 190 for the big day. I found a dress I love and feel great in but know I will still be self conscious about my arms.. so stupid, right?! Who the heck wants to be worrying about their arms during their wedding.. ca la vie! Thank you for your post, it is nice to know I’m not alone out there!
I totally agree with this and I feel like it is never ending… I really wish I could just be happy and love my self the way I am but Im just now. I look at myself and even other people my size and think- whats wrong with us? I honestly am discusted with myself… loosing weight is so hard that i usually just give up after a few months. I am looking into weight loss surgery and many people think im crazy or not “fat enough” to do it but I think I am. It seems crazy to me that I am acctually thinking about surgery just so I can fit better in clothes and like myself in pictures more. Other than my weight I am pretty self confident…. I hate the world we live in sometimes….
My circumstances aren’t quite the same, but I can relate to the feeling of questioning one’s motives for wanting to change eating or exercise habits. Deciding whether or not I want to alter my diet or add a new component to my fitness routine requires discerning whether or not the change is motivated by a healthy desire to, say, increase my cardiovascular fitness level, or the decidedly unhealthy (and pathological) desire to lose X amount of weight because ‘then things will be perfect.’ It’s challenging because even ostensibly good changes can be made for bad reasons, and being honest with myself about WHY I’m doing something isn’t always fun.
My dear, I feel you. You can see from the few engagement pictures I’ve posted here that even though I was and still am a plus-sized gal, I’ve also been on the weight loss train a bit myself. I won’t say I didn’t lose weight for the wedding, but I also can’t say that I wasn’t motivated by my health.
Anyway, I’ll never be thin because it’s not who I am. And I have been all over the place on this issue myself so I can’t rightfully give advice. Just a solid… I feel you.
I can totally relate. I was always a chunky kid, and in my teens I dropped a bunch of weight. Then depression caught up to me, and I quickly gained back what I lost and more. I continued to slowly gain more weight. A few years ago I decided to try to lose weight, and a combination of water aerobics and calorie counting worked and I dropped about 20 lbs. So happy! But… depression caught up to me again, combined with emotional eating and I was back up. When I got engaged I thought I would be driven to lose the weight, I didn’t want to get married looking like I do now. I didn’t even want to try on wedding dresses until I lost some weight. My friends were excited for me to try on dresses though, so I ended up finding a dress that I look awesome in now, the way I am. Except that was the tight fitting sample, and MY gown doesn’t flatter me nearly as well. Hopefully once alterations are done it will make me feel like I did when I first found it. However, we’ve gone through some difficulties with friends and family during our engagement and I find myself slipping back into depression. Attempting to lose weight is something I just can’t handle right now on top of the other stresses I’ve been dealing with. So, I will very likely get married at the weight I am now. Hopefully my happiness will help me look beautiful in my pictures regardless, but like the previous poster, I am very self conscious of my arms.
Thank you for the post. I could have never said it as eloquently as you did. But I myself have fought the weight battle. I bounce between a 14 and 16, currently 16. I dreaded going dress shopping. I am not really sure who decides that a smaller size is beautiful. I am trying to tech me to be happy with me no matter the size. It’s a daily struggle. My fiancé is wonderful! Whenever I say “does this make me look fat?” or “I am having a fat day” he always reminds me how beautiful I am or rolls his eyes and walks away, but I know what he is thinking LOL. Really great post! Thank you again.
I can totally relate. When I first got engaged I told myself I was instantly going to go on a diet, heck before I got engaged I had planned on the engagement as being my big motivator. Then shortly after I realized that I was pretty comfortable with myself the way I was. A slightly plus sized gal, I put off the dieting knowing that my fiance loves me exactly the way I am.
That changed the day I went to the doctor and I was told that I HAVE to lower my cholesterol like.. yesterday. He told me I absolutely had to lose weight. So some seriously hard work (a few tears of frustration… hey I miss Chocolate as much as the next gal) and 3 months later I’m down 25 pounds. It’s a start, and honestly I feel SO much better. I have more energy, I’m more fit, I don’t feel sick after eating anymore. So I would say that if for no other reason the health factor is a pretty important one to consider.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do, you will look fabulous on your wedding day either way!
Oh girl, I can SO relate! I’ve been overweight my entire life. I’m in my late 30’s and it takes me watching what I eat and working out a LOT to be a size 18. Wow, that really kinda sucks. I work to embrace myself as I am and have actually done a bit of therapy on this. I don’t think less of other people who are overweight, or think they are any less worthy or beautiful. But myself? Yep, not as good. Such a bad way to think and I’m happy to say I have really, truly worked hard to get to a point in my life where I honestly love myself as I am. That doesn’t mean, however, that I wouldn’t want to be “thinner” and healthier for my wedding, and I am working towards that goal. I did, however, order my dress with wiggle room (I was in between sizes so I ordered up) so I wouldn’t have to stress about having to lose weight to fit into my dress. Because we want to start a family after we are married I am using that as motivation too. I think it’s ok to be a bit vain and want to look and feel the best we can on our wedding day, but that’s at whatever size we feel comfortable at. Trust me, I will be rocking whatever size I am that day and will proudly post my pictures everywhere! Oh, and I’m doing a boudoir shoot too. Totally outside my comfort zone but why the heck not?! There is a shortage of images of those shoots too!
100%! I would love to be this ideal size and have this little whittled waist and then I think about how my fiance loves my body and how much more comfortable I am when I’m not starving myself and it gives me an excuse not to work out. You make a very good point though, I can understand your dilemma, you actually have a genuine debate. I say that feeling like you’d be happier a little slimmer is part of mental health as well, so if you do end up dieting, don’t let anyone tell you you’re conforming to US Weekly’s idea of good gossip!
This is a great post and I echo everything that Ms. FW and the commentors have said.
I’ve been overweight my entire life and the pressure from every angle to be thin is lame. Even worse, I find that the idea that being thin also means being happy is even more frustrating to me. A huge part of my weight issues stem from my mother looking at me and saying “You’d be so pretty if you were 20 pounds lighter!” awe.some.
Hoo Lordy, can I relate. I’ve gone back and forth on the “F*ck it, I look great the way I am and I feel like I’m selling out if I lose weight for the wedding” and “AAAAAGGGGHHH, spending $$ on photography and I hate my arms!!” about every other day during my engagement. I’m about 3 weeks out, and right now the arm-hatred is winning.
I will say this- I’ve been doing Crossfit for a while now, and it’s fantastic for taking the focus off of losing weight to meet some cultural standard and putting the focus on just getting more fit. I may not be getting married at a weight I’m happy with, but I’m also not willing to starve myself for these last few weeks, because I don’t want to screw up my deadlift.
This is so nice to read….I am currently very frusturated with me weight situation seeing that my wedding is only 3 months and 2 weeks away!! 
It’s hard to not want to be a few sizes smaller for one of the most important days of your life! Good luck…I have no answer….but I do know that as long as we are happy with ourselves and our FI’s are….nothing else should matter! & nothing else is more beautiful than a smile & confidence! <3
Thanks so much for this post, it (like all your posts!) are so thoughtful and lovely.
“Ugh… okay, I’m gonna be real here.” I think you’ve been quite real from the beginning and continue to do so. You’re awesome. Thanks again.
Uggh… I can totally relate. I have packed on more than a few pounds in the last couple of years. I blame it on my new job that requires me to work extra long hours and my general happiness with my FI - we eat good meals when I get home from work and drink probably too much wine. But I am now uncomfortable and have been busting my a$$ to get back into shape before my wedding. I am totally doing this for myself and no one else. After all, I do feel much better when I eat lightly and work out! But I will never give up my red wine!
I understand where you’re coming from; I wrote about this too. The bridal industry is totally full of these messages.
I wanted to get healthy for my wedding as well, but (a) I don’t believe being health is precluded by being thin and (b) I tried to focus more on being confident & happy in the body I had than in trying to change it, because from my previous go-rounds, I knew that doing that in addition to wedding planning would be way too stressful and threaten to ruin what should have been a very happy time for me & Mr. Oyster.
I totally understand the “both sides” thing though; the messages about how women “should” look, or especially what a bride “should” look like are unbelievably pervasive. It took a fair amount of mental gymnastics to untangle myself from that, but it’s worth it. 
I couldn’t have written it any better myself. I particularly identify with the last bit, about trading one kind of hard work for another. Back in college I was hovering somewhere between a 4 and a 6. I looked and felt great. But let’s be honest - that was due to the fact that, being in college, I had a lot of free time and could spend a lot of it at the gym. Now I’m working on my career, family and social relationships, and spending the larger part of my free time cultivating my passion for writing. I’m 2 sizes bigger than I was 5 years ago. And personally, I don’t think I carry it well, which it what makes it worse in my mind.
I do believe I should love myself as I am, and I often feel a lot of spite for societal expectations. Why should I wreck myself trying to looking like a Sports Illustrated model, when men can be overweight without their stock going down significantly? Why should I give any credit or legitimacy to the glorification of starving onself to look a certain way? I don’t approve of someone who does nothing all day but sit around eating cheeseburgers and saying, “This is my natural body type, you should accept me even though I’m not thin” - but generally speaking, and allowing for genetic differences, yeah, women are supposed to have a certain amount of body fat. But on the other hand, I won’t deny that I loved how I looked and felt when I was smaller.
I will say, truthfully, that my desire to exercise more does have to do with health as much as it has to do with appearance, because I hate the fact that I get winded walking up the stairs, and I don’t want to die of heart disease. It makes me so angry when I think how active I used to be, running, kickboxing, etc., and how sedentary I am now.
Its nice to know that other women out there struggle with the same issues that I do. Thanks for posting this.
I’ve never been super skinny, but consider my self more of an athletic build with curves. Well, post wedding its more like cush. About 15 lbs more cush then pre wedding. Does my hubby care? Not a bit! Except that he does - not because pudge annoys him, but he stills sees me as sexy, and I just feel pudgy and blah. So now im back on the fit train because I don’t want to feel blah. I want to feel sexy and fit and healthy for me and my husband. That being said, my “ideal” is certainly not super model slim! Find what weight and fitness level is healthy enough and makes you feel GOOD IN YOUR OWN SKIN. Eff the magazines and their photoshoping anorexia. If you feel comfortable and exy as you are (and theres no unhealthy side effects) then done - beautiful and gleaming. If you feel that the 2004 weight was when you felt like the best version of you - go for it.
Oh - and who has been considering the epitome of sexy throughout the years… Jessica effin Rabbit. Curves will always be sexy.
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Ms. Ferris Wheel, San Francisco Age and Occupation: 29, Psychologist Fiance's Age and Occupation: 27, Psychologist Engagement Date: May 23 and 28, 2010 (one for each of us!) Wedding Date: November 2011 Venue: Parc55 Hotel (city lights ceremony, ballroom reception) About Me: Born in the Southeast, educated in the Northeast, and over-educated on the West Coast, I finally earned my city-girl credentials and have put down roots in gorgeous San Francisco. I’m a raging perfectionist with a lightning quick wit and a terrible sense of both time and direction. Our wedding task list is endlessly growing because of my predilection to think that DIY projects I can make = DIY projects I should make (so not true!). I always go to bed wishing there were more hours in the day to enjoy all the things I adore, whether that be hobbies, friends, my career, our two dogs, or Mr. Ferris Wheel. Ours is a story of a non-traditional couple living an oddly traditional life planning a not-so-traditional wedding in this city we adore. Together we are bustin’ out all of our best skills (and some of our worst ones) to plan a laid-back-chic DIY-craftastic love-alicious affair!
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