It’s Not About the Presents

It’s Not About the Presents

May 26th, 2011 @ 12:47 pm by Mrs. Cinnamon Bun
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So I’m 30 days out from the wedding (S1*FJ!@KJH sorry, small freak out). And I haven’t heard a whisper of a bridal shower or bachelorette. I know that those are not the things that a wedding is about but still…it’s a little sad-making. My bridesmaids are awesome ladies, and I knew when I asked them that neither was in an awesome financial situation: one bought a house last year and now has the accompanying mortgage payments, and the other was severely injured in a car accident a couple years ago and has only gotten back to working in the past nine months or so. I knew I wasn’t going to Vegas, or even nearby Banff for a bachelorette. I’m also not a huge fan of dancing and clubs. There’s still time for a bachelorette though—nothing too crazy, but people could be gathered to go out at least for some drinks (there’s a martini bar nearby with over 100 martinis on their menu…).

But I think we’re at the point where it is a bit late for a shower, which is a little sad, when I see such cute things like Miss Gazelle’s tea party shower or the British shower Miss Magic threw for a bridesmaid. It’s reminding me a little of the time that I decided 10 years old was “too old” for a birthday party and then was sad for a whole year until my next birthday. Only with this…

there is no post-wedding wedding shower. As I am now actually at the age where I’m too old for birthday parties (I can’t remember the last one I had… at least not one where I didn’t bake and ice my own cake and take it to our regular games night at BM K’s house) there aren’t too many days when I get to have a party just for me (or Mr CB and I, if we had a co-ed shower). Yes, the wedding day is the largest party that will ever be thrown in our honour, but it would have been nice to have a shower too. And not just for the presents, no, for that feeling of being surrounded by people who care for you. Hanging out, eating things, drinking things, playing silly games, in a more relaxed setting than the wedding. It’s unlikely I’ll have a work shower either, as I work on 7-8 week contracts, and the people change on each contract—we’re each others lives for those weeks, and when the contract is over it might be months or years before we see each other again. Plus, my last contract before the wedding is almost over.

This post is a do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do warning. I could have talked to my BMs about this earlier. We never sat down and outlined who does what and what was expected. BM A had just finished being a bridesmaid at her brother’s wedding, so I thought she’d have it all down. (BTW, from what I remember, they went zorbing for their bachelor/bachelorette party! Awesome!… and I just read that website and realised I’m too short to go. @#$%) Because of the financial situations mentioned above, I was also too polite/awkward to ask them to throw a shower either. If someone posted to the boards saying they didn’t know if they were going to get a shower, I’d tell them to drop a passive-aggressive hint: “so, what day should I keep free for the shower?”But, I never took my own advice. I also don’t have any relatives in town, so no handy aunties or anything who could organize it.

The whole time I was writing this post I kept wondering if it was too pity-party to post, and telling myself that I should be happy we have each other and our health, and a great wedding coming up. But I wanted to blog everything, not just the happy-puppies-and-rainbows parts of the process! I’m still hopeful for a bachelorette of some sort, most of my friends are usually up for drinks! Although that brings up more issues: if these parties are meant to be just people invited to the wedding, and if we did only the ladies…there will only be about 5 people there because our guests are so spread out over the world. Add in people’s busy work schedules and…it’s me wearing a silly hat and two other people trying to pretend this is best party ever.

Right now I’m thinking the best bach bet might be to choose a night to gather at our local bar (where they know my name and my drink!) and invite everyone. Like, anyone who is my Facebook friend, Mr CB’s Facebook friends, friend’s Facebook friends… If people came, it’d end up more like an opening night gathering/industry party but then the bar would be loud and full and I/we could flit our way around the room.

I’m looking on the bright side by thinking about the awesome wedding that is coming, and telling myself that I’m not a very social animal anyway, so would I even be comfortable in the typical situations that come up? (I can’t imagine walking around wearing a penis necklace or anything like it! You want to buy me a muff dive? Sorry, dairy allergy.) Maybe it’s better that the extra parties aren’t happening, but I still feel a little like I’m missing out on some rite of passage.

Did you skip on having any of the parties that accompany a wedding? How did it feel? What were your reasons?

Tags: bachelorette-party, calgary |

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31 Responses to “It’s Not About the Presents”

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Guest

Danielle

It’s not too late for you to do either of those things. If you want it, you should do it. It doesn’t have to be a huge expensive thing for anyone. The point is to have fun with friends and family.

5/26/11 @ 12:55 pm (reply)

Member

AndreaO (message) 72 posts, Worker bee

I think you should just plan something yourself. I didn’t have a bachelorette party, but I did have a girls night a few nights before the wedding. Went to a nice dinner with girlfriends, then we went to a piano bar. It was REALLY fun, and it didn’t matter that I planned the dinner part.

5/26/11 @ 12:58 pm (reply)

Guest

Lone Star

I’m right there with you. I’m having a bachelorette party, but I didn’t want my maid of honor to have to throw both that and a shower. So now I’m not having a shower, since my mom doesn’t have friends to do it. It’s a bit hard not to be jealous because my brother is getting married too, and his fiance got: an engagement party (from my parents), a shower, a couples shower, and 2 bachelorette parties. But, his fiance is fabulous, and so I try to view these things as something fun for me to do to celebrate.

I consistently have to remind myself that my parents are throwing the wedding and THAT is the big deal (plus the wonderful marriage of course!). The multiple parties that spring up around weddings are unnecessary, and some people like us just don’t have situations (for me, I have fewer girl friends and my mother doesn’t have many either) where these parties will be held. It’s ok.

Perhaps we shower-less ladies can have our own shower where we give each other presents?

5/26/11 @ 12:58 pm (reply)

Member

keturahrussell (message) 201 posts, Helper bee

I wouldn’t say its too late to do either of these things and doesn’t have to cost and arm and a leg. You could just get together with your best gal pals and have some dinner and drinks. You never know, you might be getting surprised with something.

I decided to forego the wedding shower because my husband and I have been together for over 6 years, living together with 2 children, and I had a destination wedding. I didn’t want anyone to think I was gift grubbing. I did have a bachelorette party and some of my friends snuck in housewares and wedding night gifts. All in all it was a fun time and not over the top expensive.

5/26/11 @ 1:00 pm (reply)

Member

KCheer (message) 370 posts, Helper bee

I also say you should just do it! Throw yourself your own bachelor/bachelorette party at your favorite bar! Anyone can come and stop by without feeling obligated to spend too much money. This is the only time in your life to do this, so if you really want it, I think you should at least give it a shot!

5/26/11 @ 1:00 pm (reply)

Guest

Laurel

Hopefully your go-to girls have something up their sleeves My fiance and I decided to skip on the Engagement party to trim costs and because most of the party members know each other (and there are some long living feuds between some of the bridesmaids and a certain best man that they both dated…separately of course). I agree its not about the presents, but its always a nice thought of somebody celebrating you.

5/26/11 @ 1:03 pm (reply)

Member

kristindesigner (message) 53 posts, Worker bee

I don’t blame you for feeling sad at all! Do you think maybe there could be a surprise planned, and that’s why you haven’t heard anything?

I’m sure your BMs are super, fantastic ladies, but if they haven’t addressed a shower or bachelorette… well, I would in all honesty say they’ve dropped the ball. Perhaps you could do a little recon and have your mom or aunt call them with a fake, “I found the perfect shower present and I can’t wait to give it to her! So when is it?”

That said, one of my best friends had her two sisters as BMs and they didn’t do a bachelorette at all. She still had the most amazing wedding experience and was thoroughly happy.

5/26/11 @ 1:04 pm (reply)

Member

Rgeddy (message) 2,188 posts, Buzzing bee

I was in your exact same situation. Seriously exact. No relatives in town, no one offered to throw anything, budget conscious bm’s, distant bm’s etc. At the last minute things were thrown together and we had a mini bridal shower w/bms, moms & aunts 2 days before when everyone came in town for the wedding. It was combined with the mani/peds at this cute nail salon w/a deck they let us use and bring our own snacks. We also crammed in a simple bachelorette night @ a wine bar w/the female same aged wedding guests 2 nights before. So I had both my parties on the same day - 2 days before the wedding! It was crazy hectic and kinda overwhelming but in the end I was just grateful people put in the effort for me - even if they had a year to plan but did it the week before the wedding.

5/26/11 @ 1:04 pm (reply)

Bee

Miss Candy Apple (message) 1,581 posts, Bumble bee

My BMs are throwing my shower the Sunday before my Friday wedding It was really the only time that worked for everyone - we’re all spread across the country, and quite a few of my family/ BMs are still in school, or just graduating. Plus, my mom thought it would be a good time to have a few more closer family members there, since they’ll be in town for the wedding.

Just to say - it’s not too late! Mine will be a cool 5 days prior to the wedding. Ha!!

5/26/11 @ 1:09 pm (reply)

10.

Member

starstruk62 (message) 2 posts, Wannabee

I say take the initiative to set something up! I chose the location and date for my bachelorette party - once that was established, the bridesmaids handled the details. The same goes for my bridal shower.. again I made the major decisions, and the family picked it up from there. It is not about the cost of the event, just a nice time to get together with those that are most important to you so they can share your excitment for the upcoming day. Don’t let these special events pass you by!

5/26/11 @ 1:16 pm (reply)

11.

Bee

Miss Bunting (message) 571 posts, Busy bee

Do it, do it, do it!

I agree with everyone else. It’s not too late and even if you have to set it up yourself, I say go for it. It’s clear that it means something to you if you’re distraught over it right now (I would be, too), and I’d hate for you to later regret not setting something up. I always think that if it’s going to mean no regrets later, then it’s totally worth it.

5/26/11 @ 1:38 pm (reply)

12.

Guest

KMA

My BMs sucked at this too - I am younger (25) and the first of my friends to get married. They didn’t throw a shower and I decided to plan a combined bachelor/bachelorette party before any of them offered (about a month before the wedding)… I think some people just kind of don’t get it or something. I know in the future I’ll be awesome at these things just b/c my friends dropped the ball. Plan your own bacheorette and make it what you like and super fun! You deserve it.

5/26/11 @ 1:50 pm (reply)

13.

Member

u_c2moore (message) 81 posts, Worker bee

I don’t plan on having a shower or bachelorette party, this is my own choice. I haven’t asked my BM’s to be in my wedding yet, but this is a stipulation. NO bachelorette party and NO bridal shower! My FI and have been together for 8 years and have lived together for 7 1/2. We don’t need the type of gifts that are usually given during these events. The ladies that I plan on asking to be in the wedding have their own lives and financial concerns. They’re either planning their own weddings, recently purchased a house or are paying for college. I don’t want them to spend any unnecessary money on me. Mostly, I want their help and support during my wedding weekend. Plus I don’t feel comfortable asking my guests to buy another gift for me in the middle of a recession. (My mother doesn’t agree but I’m standing pretty firm on this.)

5/26/11 @ 2:06 pm (reply)

14.

Member

aruka11 (message) 616 posts, Busy bee

My BMs were all over the world, and I can totally understand the bit of sadness. Part of the fun is being with them, and part is having others celebrate without you having to organize. My wedding was a couple of months ago, and I wish I had pushed some friends to do something. Learn from my mistakes - go for it! I’m sure they’ll be more than excited to spend a little extra quality time together!

5/26/11 @ 2:16 pm (reply)

15.

Bee

Mrs. Meerkat (message) 3,224 posts, Sugar bee

It’s never too late CB! I was actually the one who suggest going to see Wicked for my party. Come up with a couple ideas and casually mention them to your girls to test the waters.

BTW if I was in Canada I would totally take you for a awesome party! *hugs*

5/26/11 @ 2:16 pm (reply)

16.

Member

geminidream (message) 113 posts, Blushing bee

Aw, I totally get it. DD won’t be having either of those and I feel sad for her. Her bm’s will all be out of town all summer and just barely able to all be back in time for the wedding. I wanted to have a bridesmaid’s shower for *them* as is done in the South but don’t think we will even have time for that. It would have been neat to have one of those all-women tea -type parties to remember. (ah, roses…vintage china…cute desserts…) And around here it is absolutely NOT DONE to have family throw a shower so that is out too. Darn. Hope you have a surprise in the works or can maybe throw a shower for your maids instead to have that party experience. Good luck!

5/26/11 @ 2:20 pm (reply)

17.

Bee

Miss Pony (message) 5,386 posts, Bee Keeper

Go for it! I know it’s something I would regret not having, and while I can’t say the same for you, I think you won’t regret having a shower/bachelorette, even if you plan it. And I think the idea of having it at your local bar sounds awesome!

5/26/11 @ 2:23 pm (reply)

18.

Member

lisamarieloves (message) 449 posts, Helper bee

First, you are NOT too old to have a birthday party. Second, I totally know how you feel. No one threw me and my FI an engagment party. I think engagement parties are totally unnecessary, but still…. no one threw us one. =( As for your bridal shower… I am so sorry that no one has offered to do one for you. Your family and friends really dropped the ball there. Lastly, as for your bachelorette party, there is absolutely still time. Take matters into your own hands. Call your friends out for not planning one, but do it in a laughing/semi-nice way so that you don’t cause too much drama so close to your wedding. And then make plans on your own to do something with your girlfriends. You don’t have to have penis necklaces to have a bachelorette party. You just have to have fun in your own way!

5/26/11 @ 2:24 pm (reply)

19.

Bee

Ms. Ferris Wheel (message) 346 posts, Helper bee

{{big hugs}} I find myself wishing that I lived closer to you so I could throw a shower for you. If you feel like you’ll be missing out if you don’t have a shower or bachelorette AND you have the time/energy for it, then I completely vote throw one yourself. It may even spark other people’s interest in helping out.

5/26/11 @ 2:29 pm (reply)

20.

Guest

txbride115

I’m in the same situation. I still have about 5 months to go, but I don’t see either a bridal shower or bachlorette party happening. (we also never had an engagement party). My entire family is out of town, as are 3/4 of my bridesmaids. They’re all coming down just a few days before the wedding.
It makes me sad… like you said, not because of the presents, but the fact that I’m missing out on an experience most brides get! An opportunity to hang out with family/friends another time before the wedding. I’m only doing this wedding shindig once in my lifetime, and I don’t want to miss out on anything. Having everyone out of town has already dampened my wedding planning experience, and this too bums me out.

5/26/11 @ 2:37 pm (reply)

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