- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee Blog
I am a people-pleaser by nature. Knowing I’ve hurt someone’s feelings or let someone down are thoughts that way heavily on my conscience—it’s a bit of a curse. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate that I value others’ feelings, but at the same time it’s pretty frustrating to have to regularly force myself to consider my feelings, too.
Planning a wedding has really encouraged me to reckon with my inherent need to please because, duh, it’s absolutely impossible to please everyone…particularly when planning a wedding. And here is a word of caution to all of my fellow wedding plannin’, people pleasin’ frenz:
There is no way around it. Whether it’s your friend Lisa who is hurt because she didn’t make the bridesmaid cut or your Uncle Steve pissed off that you aren’t inviting his newest wife’s favorite niece—IT’S GOING TO HAPPEN. It’s better to first accept that you aren’t going to please everyone and prepare to go from there.
I could issue you all the standard advice of: “It’s your day! Do whatever the heck you want!” But life is a bit more complex than that. At some point you will have to decide which battles are worth fighting and which ones are better off forfeited.
Let me give you a couple of examples.
Scenario 1: Your Aunt Betty is donating to your wedding fund and offers up her ruby bracelet for you to wear on the big day. You sense that this would mean a lot to her but it won’t quite coordinate with your already-selected jewelry. Decline the offer or happily oblige?
Scenario 2: For budgeting purposes, your guest list has been trimmed and you’ve taken a firm stance on the plus ones—limiting them to long-term significant others. Your close single friend John, however, thinks he should be able to bring whoever he’d like and outright asks to do so. What do you do?
I’d personally choose to acquiesce to sweet Aunt Betty and wear the bracelet but stick to my guns with John the serial dater and decline the add-on.
Honestly, hive, there are no standardized right or wrong answers because every situation is different—just know that questions like these are hiding in and around nearly every wedding-related decision and you’ll have to field them accordingly. I think I was ill-prepared for these tough decisions and let them blindside me a bit at first. Coming from an eager-to-please mindset, while I’d love to say yes to everyone, I’ve finally come to accept that I will inevitably ruffle some feathers with a few nos.
As my Nana used to say, “Say ’yes’ as often as possible, and when you say ’no’…really mean it.” Oh, and when you tick someone off along the way…vent to the hive.
Gimme your five! Who have you let down in planning your wedding? How do you tackle the tough decisions?
It’s ridiculous. I honestly thought I wouldn’t have issues with this, because I’m so stubborn, and thought I would just say “screw it” about caring what other people want with MY day. Yeah, not so much. Frustrating! It’s hard knowing when to fight, or acquiesce .
Ha, MY Uncle Steve was pissed that I didn’t invite his family’s housekeeper. So I hear ya, Miss Seal. 
I went to a family funeral a few days ago and one of my mom’s cousins (all of which I did not plan on inviting) told me she better get an invitation. Umm…seriously? So now I have to either piss her off by not sending an invite or piss off all the other cousins because we can’t afford to invite all 450 (exaggeration) of our parents’ first cousins.
I think in the situations you listed it’s easier to say no to the friend than a family member. At least for me, a friend will forget it, but family will hold a grudge. It sounds like you handled these situations very well.
Truer words have never been typed!
SIL was p*ssed she wasn’t a bridesmaid, and Uncle P was p*ssed that he couldn’t bring a date. Welp folks, it is what it is.
Only 5? Hehe Our list is probably more like 50-100 people because we had a destination wedding and most people couldn’t go. When people get rude to me now, I say well we missed you but it was so amazing and worth it. *evil grin*
I feel you. Right now (with 3 weeks to go before the big day) I just want to elope and get married alone with my FI on some desertet beach on the other side of the globe, as far away from family and weddingplanning I can get.
ugh! I hate wedding politics! So much pressure and I’m with you in the people pleasing boat. Even after I’ve had enough and say “that’s it! this is the way it’s happening!” I spend days/weeks/years (!) agonizing over whether I made the right decision or truly hurt someone’s feelings. Love your nana’s saying! 
Mom and Grandma are pissed that we aren’t getting married in the Church.
The guilt omggggg the guilt!!!
It’s worth the “no” though, I really do mean this one.
i blame my first major offending on the postal service. they returned my grandmas invite and she knows everyone she knows already got theirs. in my defense she has lived in the same place for 20 years and the address i wrote is correct (i double checked with and envelope she sent me) grrr usps….
i FEEL ya!
his father just asked us to have his half sister(13) in the wedding…then we’d have to have his moms daughter (16) in the wedding too…oh the tangled webs of divorced/remarried families!
so that is this weeks headache. any hive suggestions/alternative jobs for kids welcome!
I am constantly making people mad about no kids and no plus ones for some people. Don’t they know that weddings are expensive! Sheesh.
I know I already pissed my cousin off because we decided not to have kids. If we invited her kid though, we would also have to invite all of my FH’s cousins kids. And then what about our friends with kids? The guest list just got to long! Hopefully there won’t be too many more angry family members along the way.
To answer the post above, a good job for those you can’t have in your bridal party is to be an usher (I am hopefully tasking my two step brothers with this!)
I hear ya. I’m still here wondering how I went over my guestlist. And then I remembered that this lady, moi, who is so good at keeping my stance, totally bent to my mum and now I am suffering the result 
I hear ya! My mother and I are currently battling over the veil issue. I want a birdcage, she wants traditional, with sparkles! I finally put my foot down and ordered a gorgeous bird cage on Etsy. Sorry mom!
I’d try to incorporate the bracelet in elsewhere… around your bouquet, maybe? To the rehearsal dinner?
As for the guy with the date, I’d tell him initially that there’s no room, but if you get enough “no’s” that he can bring a date.
I’ve already pissed off my sister (a bridesmaid) so much that she de-friended me on facebook. Guess that means she doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid anymore!
Oh my, yes. Most of our issues have come from FMIL telling her family 1 thing without ever verifying with us. We’ve already had two cousins call asking why they didn’t have plus 1s because she gave them the strong impression that they’d be able to bring their SIs (of less than 3 months). After a quick phone call, though, they understood that we had to limit the list to married/engaged couples only and that we might (emphasis on might) be able to revisit the plus 1s after the majority of the RSVPs come in (or we get a lot of NOs early enough). I know that some of my aunts/uncles will be pissed that we’re not allowing kids under 13 yrs at the events.
We are in the last 5 months of our 21 month engagement. I am soooooo glad we did a long engagement because everyone (parents especially) were able to get out their frustration of us not doing things traditionally (it was a long first few months) and now they’re all totally on board with our ideas and are excited about what we’re trying to do.
You definitely need to pick and choose your battles. FH and I kept butting heads so much w/FMIL and FFIL (who are divorced) about the rehearsal dinner that we ended up giving up the reigns to the entire event and not dealing with it (saving ourselves sooooo much sanity). Other aspects, like neither of us changing our names, we’ve stuck to our guns on and are still fighting some of those battles. In the end, you need to fight for what’s important to you and let go of issues that you really don’t care that much about.
People get offended about some really weird things when it comes to weddings. Before I was even engaged, I was having some random conversation about weddings in general with my aunt (with whom I’m pretty close), and we got onto the subject of the bridal party having manicures. I personally don’t like getting manicures and said I’d consider it an unnecessary expense for my wedding and probably wouldn’t get one. She got REALLY pissy and said, “Well, if you’re not going to get a manicure, what’s the point of even having a wedding?” And no, she didn’t say it in an ironic way.
I didn’t even pursue the point. Some people get really ugly about it when you don’t agree with their suggestions.
Your words are so true!!!! Wedding politics can be so complicated and frustrating. Towards the end of my planning, I couldnt be bothered fighting anyone anymore so I let things just happen. In the end, those things that I thought would be annoying didnt even matter. But you cant please everyone, it just leads to exhaustion, so make sure you look after your own needs/wants too!
Where do i begin? His family was not thrilled the wedding was not in NY, my parents are upset that we are having it in MI instead of my home state of OH (my hometown is on the boarder and are venue is like 40 min away). My aunt is upset that she cant bring her 5 granchildren aes 5-12 (we set the cut off at 21) and my sister is upset that i wont invite her 3 best friends and one of their husbands. And im pretty sure my in laws are going to be upset when they learn that i do not plan on wearing a cover up over my dress :/
All of this and the wedding is not until next year!
Weddings and funerals bring out the worst and sometimes the best in people. People can get really nasty about these two events. Think about the whole situation in reverse. Why are others letting you - the bride - down on such a special day? Those are the ones that haven’t been worth my time. I have lost a friendship over her being very selfish; she was a bridesmaid too. The people that count will be there on the big day…regardless if you “piss them off” in the process.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Mrs. Seal, San Francisco Age and Occupation: 25, Personal Assistant Fiance's Age and Occupation: 29, Sales and Support Specialist Engagement Date: December 12, 2009 Wedding Date: November 2011 Venue: Sts Peter and Paul Church/The Bently Reserve About Me: I am a goofy, wannabe crafty, well-intentioned Renaissance Woman (OK, perhaps "aimless wanderer" is a more aptly suited term for me, but hopefully you get the point)—basically I dabble in just about everything and pride myself in such. Without warning, I occasionally breakout into soulful improvised songs and interpretive dances and there's just no stopping me! As so many others before me, planning our wedding has unearthed a deep, intense passion for all things bridal and I secretly fear the day it will come to an end. Mr. Seal and I are quite the pair and life with him by my side is extremely rewarding—I am so thankful to have found him. Together we are planning a black-tie San Francisco affair for 250—light on the stuffiness and with lots of extra Seal-y flair.
| Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 29 | 30 | 31 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 |
| 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 |
| 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 |
| 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 |
| 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 |
Latest Gallery Pics