Weddingbee Blog

“I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.” - Roy Croft

I know this girl.

In our 20s, she was this amazing force to be reckoned with. Endlessly curious and up for anything, my moments with her were some of my brightest, exhilarating and most hilarious in my so-called life. You know those people that literally sparkle? Like, when they walk in a room you feel like a brighter, sunnier version of yourself? Yep, she was one of them.

One day, along the way, we met these boys who stole our hearts.

At first, our group of fun just doubled in size. We painted our town every color every weekend and I was so thrilled that she found this guy who had her same insatiable zest for life. Her equal. And he adored her to pieces.

Then as the years passed, our relationships strengthened and we grew a little older, we started to make some grown up decisions. We moved in with our men and folded our lives together.

And that made all the difference.

I struggled in the beginning to find that balance between couple time and friend/family/solo time.

I learned the ways of respecting and considering your partner. Some of these love lessons? Call when you’re late, say thank you even for the smallest things, let them know (not at the eleventh hour) when you have plans, ask them how their day was and encourage time with their friends (even if it’s with those craaaazy dudes that drink too much tequila). And slowly but surely, I started to understood the challenging meanings of trust, compromise, support…and balance. And I tried, every day, to live a great life as a supportive partner, loving daughter/sister, thoughtful friend and ambitious individual. I became a student of Interdependence. And finding that balance is like a different NY Times crossword every week and gets increasingly harder as we build our home and have a family. But it is something that is important to both of us so we keep at it, every day.

And my friend? She was also navigating the windy roads of coupledom and grown up life….but the social outings became few and far between. Our weekly conversations turned to monthly or longer. They were together 99% of the time. And when they were apart, she called him constantly. She deferred to him for many decisions. She adapted to his way of life. And over time, that sparkle began to fade and a cloud of worry took its place. He was a far cry from a bully, but fiercely protected her. But she loved him with her whole heart. And he still adored her to pieces. And a few years ago, they got married.

It breaks my heart every time I see her or talk to her because I want to shake her and tell her so many things. I want to tell her that differences are a good thing. That she is smart and amazing and her voice is as meaningful as his. That love is important but one person does not define you as an individual. That it isn’t about giving in but about being inspired to be a better version of yourself, every day. And that he fell in love with that sparkly and colorful girl and will still love her today.

But sometimes, when a person is so in love, they can be blind to the changes and tune out the voices of concern. The marriage books say, “OH HELL NO, Codependency is bad, bad, bad.” But for some of these couples, if they believe that they’re happy, is it our right to burst their bubble? I love this girl like my sister and want her to be happy and I want her to be her self, not his. But for now, {part of} the concern has been shared and she assured me that they are doing “great.”

So I smiled, nodded, said, “I miss you,” and hung up the phone.

And I remembered those days with that bright and shiny girl I met so many years ago.

My fellow bees, if you have a similar experience, I’d love to hear your stories and thoughts.

Thanks for listening, hive. You’re wonderful.