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Mr. Snow Cone and I don’t live together currently; we didn’t come to this decision easily or quickly. Neither of us really harbors any deep opposition to premarital cohabitation, in general. However, through our discussions about our own living situation, we discovered that we were both against premarital cohabitation for us. Prior to last year, we had spent the previous four years 400 miles apart, visiting each other about once a month. When faced with the exciting prospect of finally seeing each other for more than 36 hours every 30 days, we wanted to make sure we handled this transition properly. Given how accustomed we had become to a long-distance relationship, we were nervous that going from two states away to two feet away would be too harsh of a transition too quickly. As a result, we decided to give ourselves a one-year grace period of living in the same zip code but not in the same apartment. I’m not trying to insinuate that we thought we couldn’t handle that large of a transition; we simply decided that we probably shouldn’t. We wanted to get accustomed to seeing each other daily without causing too severe of a shock to our individual and joint systems.
When we made our living decision, one reason to live separately centered on the wedding—we didn’t want to live together, establish a routine, have a grandiose wedding, and then revert right back to that routine.
We wanted the wedding to mark a definite transition in our lives, rather than a giant party that was thrown over the weekend before we got back to life as normal. Now that the wedding is creeping ever closer, that reason to not live together is quickly becoming more valid. From an economic standpoint, our decision to live separately was absurd—we could have saved oodles of money by paying one rent instead of two. More importantly, though, from an emotional standpoint, our decision was completely sound. I am very much looking forward to that day in August when we finally get to move into our apartment after our wedding as husband and wife. I think that extra dose of transition and new-ness will add just a dash of extra excitement to the entire affair.
Image via Reel Movie News / Credit: Columbia Pictures
This past year of living separately has been totally worth it, but with that being said, I am definitely ready for it to come to a close. I’m ready to not have to take a couple flights of stairs just to see Mr. Snow Cone. I’m ready to not have to have an extra key on my key ring. I’m ready to sleep in a non-twin bed and feel like a grown-up, going to sleep and waking up to one very handsome dude. I’m just ready.
How did you and your fiance navigate premarital living situations?
I actually have stong-ish feelings about living together before marriage because its the way I was raised. I own my own place and FI still lives with his parents (he took a break then went back to school, so tuition=no $$ for rent, but hey, no new loans).
So he’ll be moving in with me in my condo and I’m getting used to the idea that things won’t just be my way anymore. I’m trying to give as much as possible in the way of letting him pick new decor, rearrange furniture, etc. But I do look forward to the day we get a place that is truely ‘ours’.
That’s exactly how I feel about it! I’m not morally against living together, I just feel like it made sense for us :). Thanks for such a great blog post.
I really like this sentiment, that the wedding marks a profound change in your relationship, rather than just a reverting back into normal life (probably because I know it will for us). We’re living with my dad, but we’ll be moving in together after the wedding, which is a welcome change for everyone.
My FI and I have been living on our own for the last 5 years so when it came time to start wedding planning it only made sense to save as much money as possible so although we have been together for 10 years we have only been living together for the last year.
I wasn’t ready to live with Mr. G before the wedding. Now we’ve been married two weeks and the last of our stuff is being moved into our new place today. I cannot wait until this weekend because we should be unpacked enough to actually start living there. Living together is something so huge to look forward to.
Sounds like you guys made the right choice for your relationship. Will you move into one of the apartments you already have, or somewhere completely new together?
We’ve been long distance for years, and I think I have a similar mindset to yours about allowing a transition phase. We’ll see how it actually falls out.
I agree that living togetehr after marriage signifies a change. However, that’s not the way we did it. My husband had lived with several women before me; one was even for years. He is the only guy I’ve lived with, so it was a giant deal for me. There still was a change after marriage. It’s something unseen, but it’s there and I love it.
@ItsPronounced_ABear: we had the same concern about one person being absorbed into the other’s living space, so we opted to just start fresh. I’m sure it will work out for you guys!
@jo.lee: awe, thanks!
@Miss Pony: I can imagine. I think any new living situation that corresponds with the wedding is exciting and fresh, for sure!
@mrsbowieii: that’s smart of you guys, definitely. I sometimes get queasy thinking of what my bank account would be if it weren’t for my rent check. Yuck.
@Mrs. Giraffe: agreed! I hope you and Mr. G have an easy final leg of your move!
@miss.qwerty: we decided to move into a new place entirely; the timing worked out, plus we were worried about one person’s “system” getting screwed up with the new roommate. We decided to start all over and develop a system for both of us!
@TheFutureMcBride: I can only imagine; I have no doubt that living together takes on added significance after the wedding, whether you’ve done it for a day or a decade.
@ItsPronounced_ABear: I have strongish feelings, too! Glad I’m not the only one 
My FI and I both still live with our parents - He graduated from college in ‘09 and was gone for a few months to Peru. He came back and started coming to our church and didn’t have a real reason to move out. Then, when we started dating, he realized it’d be better financially to stay at home till we’re married.
I graduated in ‘10 from college and am now in grad. school, so living at home was definitely a better decision for me - although for the past 2 semesters I lived 1/2 time with a friend near college.
So… We will definitely have that excitement that you talked about! We will start renting our apt. a couple weeks (at least) before the wedding to move stuff in and FI may live there just out of convenience (he lives the next town over, about 15 or 20 minutes away). But he does NOT want to sleep in “our” bed without me He’s sweet! I’m sure the transition phase will be hard at times, but we are SO excited to actually get to wake up to each other and unwind with each other!
I totally get what you mean about living together, having a routine, having a big celebration of your wedding and then…going right back to your everyday arrangement already living together. That’s what FI and I will be doing (we’ve lived together about 3 years) and sometimes I think about how funny it seems if you look at it a certain way - like I almost think people are going to say to themselves, “Well, what’s the point? They already live together, it’s not like anything’s changing!”
But I’m happy with our decision to live together. It really works for us, and I do still feel that getting married marks a significant new “era” for us.
I think it is hurtful that you are suggesting that if two people live together before marriage, that their wedding is just “a giant party that was thrown over the weekend before we got back to life as normal.”
A wedding, no matter if the couple is living together or not, is a celebration of the joining of two families. It is a celebration of the vow that two people make to spend their entire lives together. Shame on you for suggesting anything else.
While I understand that the decision to live together is not for everyone, you should be more sensitive to other people’s choices.
I dated my college sweetheart for six years after college, but we never lived together for various reasons–mostly that I didn’t want to before marriage. But once I started dating my now-husband, I was already in my 30s, and ideas about what is “special” and “traditional” carried a lot less weight with me. And it forced me to think if this was a man I enjoyed dating, or a man I wanted to marry (because we had the big “where is this going” chat before I decided to give up my lease).
And there is one big advantage (in my opinion) to living together before marriage. Once the honeymoon is over, you can skip the growing pains every couple has when first cohabiting. When I said, “I do,” I knew that my husband didn’t always put away laundry the day it was done. That he was meticulous about vacuuming, but wouldn’t ever clean a toliet. That his idea of cooking is grilled cheese. And he knew that I can be super grouchy first thing in the morning, that I baby-talk to the dog, and that I pile stuff up on counters rather than file it or put it away. You can say we returned to the regular old routine after our wedding, but we also didn’t have to worry about accomodating each other’s stuff for the first time, learning each other’s bathroom habits and arguing over whose turn it was to take out the garbage.
@Phantom: This is a really good point. It would be an interesting study to look into the expectations and happiness of couples who get married but were already living together, versus those who weren’t cohabitating before (who knows - there probably has already been a study on that). Because living together is a pretty big transition whether you do it before or after marriage, and I wonder to what extent the initial “high” of being just married is diminished or high expectations result in some let-downs when a couple moves in together after marriage and has to learn to deal with each other 24/7 - whereas a couple already living together has already figured it out and can be a little more free to just enjoy the just-married excitement. Not that I think either way is right or wrong - it all depends on what’s right for the couple - but it’s an interesting social question.
@Phantom: This is a really good point. It would be an interesting study to look into the expectations and happiness of couples who get married but were already living together, versus those who weren’t cohabitating before (who knows - there probably has already been a study on that). Because living together is a pretty big transition whether you do it before or after marriage, and I wonder to what extent the initial “high” of being just married is diminished or high expectations result in some let-downs when a couple moves in together after marriage and has to learn to deal with each other 24/7 - whereas a couple already living together has already figured it out and can be a little more free to just enjoy the just-married excitement. Not that I think either way is right or wrong - it all depends on what’s right for the couple - but it’s an interesting social question.
@Phantom: This is a really good point. It would be an interesting study to look into the expectations and happiness of couples who get married but were already living together, versus those who weren’t cohabitating before (who knows - there probably has already been a study on that). Because living together is a pretty big transition whether you do it before or after marriage, and I wonder to what extent the initial “high” of being just married is diminished or high expectations result in some let-downs when a couple moves in together after marriage and has to learn to deal with each other 24/7 - whereas a couple already living together has already figured it out and can be a little more free to just enjoy the just-married excitement. Not that I think either way is right or wrong - it all depends on what’s right for the couple - but it’s an interesting social question.
(Holy cow, how did my last comment get posted 3 times??) o.O
@notpleased–I have been living with my FI for 2 1/2 years, and i wouldn’t change it for a second. We are getting married in July, and it truly feel that there will be a difference after the wedding, even if we already lived together. I honestly also don’t agree that our wedding is going to be just a giant party.
However, while you might disagree with what Miss. Snow Cone is saying, by using such a strongly worded response such as “shame on you,” you are only responding to her the way that you are asking her not to treat you. You are certainly free to disagree with her and voice your opinion (as you did), but we also must allow for the fact that she is allowed to voice her own opinion as well. Part of being a ‘bee is writing how you feel about things throughout your own wedding journey, and part of the specialness of this community is that people feel they are free to speak their minds without being maligned.
I doubt that Miss. Snow Come was writing this point with the intention of hurting anyone’s feelings, rather, she just felt like explaining to the community her particular reasons and feelings for her particular choice.
I have lived with a couple boyfriends before so when my FI and I started dating I told him I wouldn’t live with another guy until I had a ring on my finger (when it doesn’t work out it is almost as bad as a divorce). But he had never lived with a girl and wanted to make sure “I didn’t go crazy”. His words although he was joking, sort of. So after 1.5 years I gave in and we moved in together He proposed 9 months later. Guess I didn’t show any signs of potentially going crazy!
I’ve been living in a similar situation. My fiance and I did the long distance for two years and while he was away we started discussing (kinda jokingly) about getting engaged and he would jokingly (but kinda seriously) ask when he could move into my new condo. I told him not until he put a ring on it. Then he put a ring on it and I still wouldn’t let him move in. My parents are strongly against it and I agree with you that it adds to the excitement of getting married. I know a lot of people think that you should live with someone first because once you get married it’s til death but I know my relationship and I know my fiance well enough. We don’t hide our true selves and all of our annoying habits. They’re pretty much all spread out on the table. So I hope you enjoy the time as I intend to
I think this sounds like such a sound, good decision. I was really happy I moved to Swiss land twice with my own living arrangements before moving in with Mr. FC, and that the wedding wasn’t preconceived when we moved in. For you two, it just seems like such a good step to have taken. That time when you get to see each other only on the weekends, then weeknights, slowly building up is something to be remembered I think. And later on you’ll definitely cherish that you didn’t rush into it!
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Mrs. Snow Cone, Pittsburgh/Johnstown, PA Age and Occupation: 23, Public Health Graduate Student Fiance's Age and Occupation: 23, Engineer Engagement Date: April 9, 2010 Wedding Date: August 2011 Venue: OMOS Church ceremony/Sunnehanna Country Club reception About Me: I’m one of the lucky ones---I met my future husband at the ripe old age of 13, started dating him as a mature woman of 15, and have been enjoying the ride ever since. Here we are, 8 years later, living in Pittsburgh, planning a "homestination" wedding in the place our school romance began---Johnstown, PA. I thrive on talking a mile a minute, eating my weight in chocolate, and internet shopping. I love a lengthy to-do list almost as much as I love a healthy amount of chaos in my life. Mr. Snow Cone and I watch countless episodes of Friends and The West Wing on repeat, root for rival college sports teams, and make each other laugh each and every day. We’re putting together a small-town wedding with a big personality and a classically modern (or modernly classic?) look for 250 of our closest family and friends. It’s been 8+ years in the making, and sometimes I still can’t believe I’m finally getting to marry my high school sweetheart!
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