Weddingbee Blog

First, I wanted to start this post by saying that we women (okay, and I suppose men too) need to give ourselves a big, ol’ pat on the back, and we need to raise a glass of something to the women who came before us. Why? Well, because we are at the point (at least in America) where there actually are name change debates, discussions, questions, thoughts, concerns, considerations. 100 years ago, it would have been very rare for an American woman to keep her last name after she was married, and I am incredibly appreciative that it is socially acceptable now for me to either keep my last name or take the last name of Mr. Candy Apple. Or, for him to take mine. Or, for us to merge our names via hyphen. Or, for us to form a completely new last name. There are so many options! It makes my feminist self leap with joy and happiness, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I am so glad I live in a time when we are making such big strides. (And yes, I say strides. Because I don’t think we’re actually there yet. But, we don’t need to get into that right now.) I don’t want to make this a post about feminism (what it is, etc. etc.)—I merely want to state my thoughts and feelings on the issue.

Anyway, yes, the Name Change Game (aka NCG). You know the one—lots of bees have hashed this out before their weddings. I know that for many people this is a touchy subject, causing large amounts of stress, heartbreak, annoyance, grief. I am sure it can also be somewhat of a make-or-break issue in relationships.

To me, the whole NCG mainly boils down to one issue.

Yes, I realize there are many things in play when considering the NCG, but for me, it comes down to those words of the wise Jean Valjean:

{Breathe Pro Font, via My Fonts}

Yes - for some reason, the whole NCG always, always conjures up the lyrics to one of my fave songs from Les Misérables (Let’s be honest. They’re ALL my fave songs.) Particularly this part:

Who am I?

Can I conceal myself for evermore?

Pretend I’m not the man I was before?

And must my name until I die

{Who Am I? from Les Miserables}

Ahh, so good. Okay, now that I’ve gotten that song stuck in your head, let’s move on, shall we?

When I was younger and just discovering what it means to be a feminist, I was convinced that I would keep my last name when I got married. Why the hell should I give up that piece of me, something that has been a part of me for my entire life, for a man? Something that has gone on the backs of mountains of sports jerseys and sweatshirts, something that has been used on countless documents, something that has been signed millions of times. Something that is so integral to my life, and my identity. Why should that be thrown away for some guy? If I take his last name, it will be like I am giving up a part of myself, will it not? And why should I ever sacrifice myself, as a woman, for a man? That is what people did back in the day when they bound their feet and wore whale-bone corsets. I don’t want to feel like my name is a lie for the rest of my life, and I don’t want to revert to old-fashioned habits that perpetuate the ideas of a woman as a man’s property.

Over time, though, I have come to realize that feminism isn’t necessarily about asserting your needs and wants, and eschewing all tradition. In fact, to me, feminism is consciously making these choices for ourselves. Because, well, we now have these choices. We can make these decisions ourselves!

I still do think changing my name is like giving up a part of myself. But, isn’t that part of what marriage is about? Two becoming one? Giving of yourself completely to the other person? I realize this doesn’t mean “you lose all of your identity when you get married.” However, I do think it means that, from that day forward, the couple is bound in a way that you weren’t before, in a new and sacred union.

Also, let’s be frank—my last name is one of the most common last names in America. Mr. CA’s last name is another common last name. It will be like I am exchanging “Johnson” for “Brown.” Although I am attached to my last name (I mean, duh, I’ve been saying “Hi, I’m Miss Candy Apple” my entire life), my first and middle names are the gifts that I really cherish from my parents. They are so unique, and such a part of me and my identity, that replacing one generic last name for another hopefully won’t be too big of an issue. I am carrying over two names into this marriage, and I love those two names. And that is enough for me. If I had a more unique last name, I probably would make more of a stand on this issue.

Another thing? I want to have the same name as my children, and I want us to be seen as a family unit. It sounds sappy, but I want us to be known as “the Apple clan.” Yes, I realize Mr. CA could take my name, or we could hyphenate our names. Mr. CA is fairly traditional, though, and has stronger opinions on the NCG than I do. He wanted to keep his last name, and hinted that he would like me to take his name. He of course would never, ever demand that I take his name, but I know that it would mean a lot to him if I did. I suppose in theory I would like to keep my name, simply because I am so used to it being what it is, but not if it means having a different name than my children, or Mr. CA.

Lastly, I do not work in a field where it would be an issue to change my name (for example, I know many people with Ph.D.’s, and law and medical degrees frequently do not want to change their names). Just wanted to throw that out there.

So, I will be taking Mr. CA’s last name after we get married.

In considering all of the above factors (and many more), this seems like the best decision for me, and for us as a family. Honestly, it was not as big of a soul-searching issue as I thought it would be. I didn’t cry about it, I haven’t freaked out over an identity crisis. I simply asked myself: Who am I? Will that change if I change my last name? How will I feel introducing myself as Mrs. Apple? Do I feel like I am being subservient to Mr. CA in changing my name? All responses and emotions and thoughts pointed to changing my last name. And I am at peace with this decision.

(Although we’ll see once I actually have to legally change my name on everything!)

Do I feel like a bad feminist for taking Mr. CA’s name? A little, which is totally ridiculous! I shouldn’t, because I am making this choice for myself. It IS my name, after all! So it is my decision.

I realize that the NCG is so difficult for many people, and can be confusing, and emotionally-charged. Let it be; it’s a big deal! It is your name! The answer doesn’t have to come to you immediately. Just make sure you are thinking everything through, discussing things with your partner, and not simply going with the flow because it is how things are traditionally done. Do what is right for you.

Did your ideas and thoughts about the Name Change Game shift over time?

Are you changing/ did you change your last name? If so, how are you coping/ dealing with the change? Was the process lengthy and difficult? (I’m scared of all the paperwork!)

If you aren’t going to/ didn’t change your last name, how did your spouse feel about that? Did you feel somewhat ambivalent about the whole thing process?

Did your spouse change his last name? Did you hyphenate? Create totally new last names? I want to hear about it!