- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee Blog
I came across this gorgeous wedding by Maggie Harkov via Brooklyn Bride and my jaw dropped. This wedding is all at once sophisticated, sweet, simple, and elegant. It’s everything I want our wedding to be. But there’s one huge difference staring me in the face…
Above images via Brooklyn Bride / Photos by Maggie Harkov
…we’re not eloping and nothing about our wedding is simple.
This beautiful city hall wedding tugs at my heartstrings. I need the simplicity of it. I want it. There is something that keeps pulling me back to a teeny tiny wedding at city hall. These gorgeous images certainly have something to do with it. But there is so much more.
The wedding we’re having is all wrong. It’s keeping me up at night.
…here goes:
I don’t feel like I am at a place in my life where I should be spending thousands upon thousands of dollars on anything. Not even the celebration of our marriage. When I think about the amount of money we are planning to spend, my head starts to spin a little and I become overwhelmed with guilt. I’ve worked really hard to get myself on track financially over the past few years, and it’s hard to reconcile the cost of this wedding with anything that remotely resembles fiscal responsibility.
Yes, there is so much more to a wedding than money. When will we ever get to be the center of attention again? When will I ever get to be a bride? When will we ever have our nearest and dearest in one room again? The thing is, I don’t feel like I want that attention. I don’t feel like a bride. I’m not good at taking compliments or letting anyone take care of me. And, this may sound like sour grapes (it’s not), but I can’t help but wonder if our wedding would matter as much to our guests. It sounds silly, it really does. Because when I look back at all the weddings we’ve attended, I remember how happy we were to share those special days with the couples. But for some reason I can’t see it for us.
And I can’t for the life of me come to any conclusions of what I want our day to be like outside of the words “elegant, simple, and joyful.” Wouldn’t we be just as joyful in a courthouse? In the end, wouldn’t we be just as married?
Is it fair for me to plan this huge wedding without input from my husband-to-be? Is it fair for me to plan a big celebration when, in all likelihood, most of his nearest and dearest will not be in attendance? Is it fair to ask our vendors to change our date, repeatedly? Would they even do that for us? Are we setting ourselves up for losing a ton of money by planning a wedding without a schedule that’s set in stone?
I don’t know. But this has been gnawing at me since day one. Let me apologize if anything I said above has offended anyone—I don’t want to go back and edit myself outside of spelling, since it was really just a train of thought that I had to put out there. So let me just say that if I offended you, I’m sorry. But I’m still working through this. And obviously this would be something to talk to Mr. M about when I hear from him again (though I feel terrible for even bringing this up, and I wonder if I’ll have the guts to say anything).
Enough. My thoughts are racing. Need to take a timeout.
Has anyone ever had to take a moment to pause your plans and really come to terms with what you want and need from your wedding?
I think everyone has different expectations for what their wedding should be. All you can do is picture what you want and do your best to make it happen. And I think the money is a weird thing for everyone. That’s why it’s so important to figure out how much you’re truly comfortable spending. Basically you can have a beautiful wedding within your budget that makes you happy- you just have to figure out how to do it! It took me a pretty long time to figure out how we could do it. (And I still have my doubts sometimes.) I can’t wait to see how you come to terms with it all.
I am with you on much of what you said! I’ve gotten myself to a point where I’m not excited that much about the wedding. I dread the costs of things and if I’m going to have enough. I’ve had a good friend drop out of the wedding and I’m tired of negative speak about my fiance and people not liking him. I’m of course just finding much of this out in the last few months AFTER being engaged. But I don’t care I LOVE HIM…they don’t that’s their problem. I have gotten to a point of whom will really come and my guest list in my eyes dwindles. Would people come to be happy for ME?? I don’t know anymore.
Your not alone. Stand for what you want…in the end it’s your and his day not everyone else’s!
Scooch on over and make some room for me on that wedding expense guilt bench. After a year of being semi-employed and in grad school I’m just beginning to get my financial life back on track. And while I’m beyond excited about getting married, I’m having a hard time justifying the gobs of money it feels like we’re spending on a wedding when that money can be put to much better use - debt, savings etc.
I just try to keep in mind that while it’s nice to have a nice ceremony surrounded by family that the day is really about me and him. And at the end of the day we’ll be happiest with what’s best for us emotionally and financially.
I think these are things everyone struggles with, and I know I did and still do to a certain extent. When you’re balancing your needs and desires with expectations of so many others, it is easy to let it get the best of you. I think keeping the core values you want for your wedding will go a long way in helping you stay true to your goals.
I think my biggest fear is the wedding not being what I want it to be. I’ve had like 3 “nightmares” like that already, and have woken up with a bad feeling. I feel like the wedding is about YOU GUYS, and nobody else. You should definitely have your future husband’s input, but sit down with him and find a way to meet in between. Don’t spend thousands of dollars on something that in the end you’ll just regret. I’m slowly learning to take people’s ideas/thoughts into consideration, but in the end just go with what my heart desires. Because in the end, to everybody else it will just be a distant minute memory, but to you 2, it will be something you’ll cherish forever. Don’t let little things stress you out either!
@Miss Cannon: Well I hate letting go of money. That’s the problem! If I find a good price on something, I always go back and look for a better one. This wedding is no different!
@yearns4god: I agree. Go for what’s right to you. Follow your heart, and get excited!
@PinkPandaBear: Plenty of room on the guilt bench for all! I agree, figure out what works for you and stick to it. Good luck w grad school!
@Miss Pony: I still struggle with it as I’m making final payments! bye bye money, hello wedding!
I think the only way to make sure that your wedding day is what you two want is to focus only on what YOU TWO want. If you’re not comfortable with spending tons of money, then don’t. If you’re not comfortable with being the center of attention, then don’t be. My husband is very shy and didn’t want a fuss to be made over him. Similarly, we both didn’t want to spend tons of money when the day was about our feelings and love for each other, not how much money my parents would shell out. (We were very lucky in that we were given a budget, and anything that was left over was ours to keep. Talk about modivation for a thrifty wedding!) So, to balance our want of a beautiful wedding day and our need for a simple, small intimate day, we had a wedding ceremony with only 15 people in attendance (including ourselves and our photographer/my cousin). Then we had a wonderful small dinner at a fantastic local restaurant. A week later we hosted a luncheon for all extended family to celebrate the wedding and showed a video of the ceremony. A week after than we had a blow out party with all our friends. Between all the events, we celebrated with everyone we wanted to be a part of our big day (almost 100 people), had our parties/celebrations on our terms, and only spend $8000 for all three events! Now, we were lucky in that our family and friends understood and never complained (to our faces) that they felt left out. They all just wanted us to be happy and to celebrate our wedding in a way that made us comfortable. I highly recommend the smaller ceremony, it feels so much more intimate and special (and is cheaper!)
You have to do what feels right to you and your partner. At the end of the day, it’s how you look back and remember your wedding that matters, not anyone else. If people truely love you, they won’t care how much you spent on your wedding, just that you’re in love and with the person you love the most.
Word. My dream wedding would be pretty small, about 40 people. Instead, we’re inviting pretty much all of my fiance’s extended family, which comes to 80 people from this state alone.
It’s going to end up being really lopsided, with probably about 60 people attending from his side and 20 from mine. And since he’s in law school and our parents don’t have money, I’m going to end up paying for it–all of it. My wedding would have cost about half as much as the wedding we’re going to end up with. My family emphatically does not give a crap about this wedding, my family is actively discouraging me from getting married at all despite the fact that they’ve met my fiance once (in four years of dating, largely because they don’t visit me), and his family has been nothing but supportive and wonderful. So it’s not so much the lopsidedness I mind. I like his family more than I like mine.
But I’m still upset that a relatively cheap, 40-person wedding got transformed into a massive blow-out that no one but me will be paying for.
I struggle with this too. Sometimes if a wedding task has me going insane I stop and think this is soooo #$#(* stupid. It’s one day. In the end the result is the same. Why don’t we just elope? But alas my fiance really really wants a wedding, the party, the shabang so I am doing it.
I love the honesty of this post. At the end of the day, you have to have the wedding that’s right for you and your husband-to-be. For some people, that means a crazy big all out party and for others that’s a city hall wedding… but both are meant to celebrate your love and union! As long as that sentiment is there, it doesn’t matter what venue you choose or what dress you wear.
We just dropped about $30k on our wedding and I’m still feeling guilty about it. I still have a small voice in my head telling me we should have eloped or gone to Mexico or something fun/simple/cheaper. I loved my wedding day but that money is money we’ll never get back and money we could have spent on a home or something else. I think a big wedding is mostly to placate your family and parents - but unfortunately ours didn’t pay for that privilege… we did.
Oh, this could not come at a better time, Miss Marmalade! I am having really similar feelings - so much money on one day when I am still cleaning up financial messes from my college days, don’t like to be the center of attention, love the idea of tiny and simple and elegant…. but, like Miss1Cent, my fiance loves the idea of having all of our friends and family with us to celebrate and of having a really wonderful big traditional party (”If you call our wedding a “party” one more time, you might not be invited to it!!” - any Friends lovers?) - and we’re fortunate in that, technically, because he is so wonderfuly responsible, we can pay for that party without going into debt. But sometimes in the midst of planning Lavish and Large, I too wish for Tasteful and Tiny…. good luck, Miss M, and thank you for making me feel not so alone!
Everyone else has said it and I will just add my voice to that: go with your feeling. Actually, probably best is to sit down with your partner and think about what you both want out of this wedding. Then work your way from there. Sure there may be people who say stuff but you have to decide whether that really matters. You can’t please all. In the end of the day it’s your life that you will be starting together, not anyone else’s. You’re the ones who have to share a marriage and all that comes with it. Those who love you both will understand. Those who don’t understand it doesn’t really matter in the end of the day. There are plenty of solutions for a small wedding not only when it comes to planning it but really to get away with it. So do it your way. Hope it’s not too late… My personal favourite solution to not wanting 100 people on my side to less than 20 on his? Get married in the country we both live! That slashed my guest list to less than half!! Yay!!
aha! read your profile after posting that…Two pieces of information make me want to post again: “Greek-Ecuadorian” and “July”. Ok, so maybe it’s a bit too late to change things. And being Portuguese I know all to well about southern European big families and weddings (and how difficult - read impossible - it would have been for me to have my small wedding if I was doing it in Portugal). So let’s refocus. I think it’s important for you to know how you are feeling about this important event. So great post. But at this point maybe you can ask yourself what you can really do (besides loosing sleep over it). I mean, in practical terms, what can you do to have your dream wedding? I am guessing that at this point quite a lot has been done. Would you be loosing money if you cancelled the whole thing and changed to a smaller wedding? If the answer is no then go for it. If the answer is yes, than maybe the only thing you can really do is try to have a different outlook over the whole thing and enjoy yourself and the moment. I am sure we all have wanted one or another thing that didn’t really work out. Loosing too much time over a lost cause won’t do much for us. For instance, regarding money, have you thought about asking guests to give you money instead of presents? You can frame it as you “start-up fund” or something and have a cute house box with some envelopes and cards next to it where they can make their donations. In Portugal is quite common for bride and groom to pay part fo their wedding with money given by guests (every guest leaves a small amount). It’s quite useful…Anyways, good luck! I think at this point the most important thing is for you to enjoy the ride.
I feel your pain. With 2 kids and a house already I feel somewhat silly planning an elaborate party. In addition, we are really in no position to be throwing out thousands on a wedding. HOWEVER: After almost cancelling and doing a city hall wedding we both agreed that we would rather regret having a “big” (it’s actually quite small, but still expensive!) wedding, than never having one at all. Plus our children will enjoy being a part of the celebration, and our families have not had a wedding in quite awhile, so I am hoping that the excitement level equals ours.
Maybe take some time and think about whether or not you will regret NOT going along with the wedding.
Good luck to you! xoxo
@ebmarshall: Here here! Focusing on what YOU want as a couple is definitely the way to go!
@kristophine: Don’t let that get you down. I complained about the amount of people I was “urged” to invite too. I resented it for a long time, but what’s done is done. And dammit it’s still mine.
@Miss 1Cent: It surprised me that Mr. M wanted a big shebang! Guys can surprise you sometimes where weddings are concerned.
@Mrs. Canary: Thanks so much! To be honest, I was pretty scurred to put that out there!
@ThePinkPeony: Here’s to tasteful and tiny!! And you’re definitely not alone in this!
If it’s not what you want…CHANGE IT! It’s about you and your FI. You should do what makes YOU BOTH happy. If that’s a smaller intimate celebration then go for it!!! It would be horrible to look back at your wedding pics and have regrets.
Thank you for this. I’ve been struggling with the same thing especially after we realized how many hidden expenses come with planning a wedding. Our budget went up and up and my fiance became really uncomfortable with the amount of money we were looking to spend (so did I). We’ve looked into the courthouse idea but for some reason, I’m incredibly hesitant about it. I think it is because we as women have been socialized to want the big white wedding and feel for some reason as if this is a rite of passage. The guilt I’ve felt about not wanting to do something simple has been overwhelming.
Only you can answer what you want and need for your wedding and no need to apologize; it would not be fair of anyone to be offended by your feelings, yes? Big questions you have.
Maybe you should consider a little pre-wedding with just the two of you. My fiance/husband and I did and it was the best thing we’ve done through the whole wedding planning process.
Due to necessity, my fiance/husband and I had a secret small city hall wedding and will have a WEDDING in September. Our secret mini-wedding with just us two was so special, sweet, and memorable that I’d choose it over the big Wedding any day.
I’ll say this for being married before the wedding: I suddenly realized that all the planning, all the expense, all the pageantry (and I love the pageantry) is so nice, but so not necessary, and I totally relaxed and am sticking so within our budget that I can’t stop telling my fiance/husband about it.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Mrs. Marmalade, Norwalk, CT/Raleigh, NC Age and Occupation: 27, Administrative Assistant Fiance's Age and Occupation: 28, Army Officer Engagement Date: December 31, 2009 Wedding Date: July 2011 Venue: Old Cadet Chapel/Highlands Country Club About Me: I'm a Tri-State area "lady," through and through. A big chunk of my life has been split between NYC and Connecticut, and I'm finally heading down south to live with Mr. Marmalade. Our long distance relationship has been one adventure after the next, we've spent time in Texas, Louisiana, Florida,and Georgia, thanks to his military career. Next to Mr. Marmalade, my loves include live music, useless trivia, shoes, design, and my crazy half-tiger kitty, Oliver. I have a passion for food and wine, and I've been known to travel long distances to get my hands on the best meals. I come from a tight-knit big fat Greek Ecuadorian family---we're loud, we talk with our hands, and we spend hours talking loudly with our hands over large meals. I'm going to miss them so much as I pack up and begin my life, far away from home. But with Mr. Marmalade by my side, I'm ready to take on whatever may come. Next up: our wedding!
| Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 29 | 30 | 31 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 |
| 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 |
| 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 |
| 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 |
| 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 |
Latest Gallery Pics