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Bossyboots is Catholic. His siblings are Catholic. His parents are Catholic. His grandparents were Catholic. Repeat and continue. I am a Baptist from Texas and thought Catholicism was a dying religion until I moved to Chicago, Land of a Million Catholics. I’m serious.
Nowadays, I consider myself spiritual rather than associated with any organized religion. I love God, but not necessarily in a building. Please do not send me any conversion emails—I am well-versed (ha!).
For Bossyboots, it’s important that some semblance of Catholicism be present in our ceremony. What this means, we aren’t exactly sure yet. We know we’d like his father to say a prayer, and I want my father to say the blessing that he’s spoken over me and all my siblings since we were tiny. Those two elements are of utmost importance. Mucho importante!
My man and I have split up our wedding to-do list… he is taking the lead on figuring out our Catholic options. If we go the churchy route, most likely a full mass is out.
In the event of communion, at least half the guests would be sitting out (including the bride!), so that’s a thing to think about. So maybe just the Rite of Marriage (see, I’m learning some new vocabulary!). We also might just go ahead with a ceremony at our venue (which has a garden), and then include Catholic elements—in that case, it wouldn’t be a bona fide Catholic wedding. We just don’t know yet. Bossyboots is working up a list of options, and then we’ll decide what’s best for us!
Meanwhile, we’re going to mass on the weekends, so that I can learn more about Catholicism. The only thing we know for sure is that I don’t have to convert, which feels like the right decision for me. We are also learning about all the requirements and classes we’ll need to take. This will be an adventure! Thankfully, Chicago is overflowing with Catholics, so right now, everyone knows more about this than me.
If you are a non-Catholic marrying a person with Catholic persuasions, what’s your best advice? If you’re already hitched, what was your favorite part of the wedding process?
I’m Catholic and so I can tell you that you won’t be able to have a full Catholic Mass but I know that you can incorportate several Catholic elements into your wedding. One of my friends had their wedding in the Church and the priest officiated but they only had the Marriage rite and some readings. It was much closer to traditional protestant weddings that go so quick compared to Catholic mass weddings. It sounds like a full on Catholic mass is not your style so I hope that you may enjoy the marriage rite. Good luck with the planning.
I was in the same boat to. Mr. M. was born and raised Catholic while I don’t really identify with a specific denomination. We ended up going a non-catholic service and incorporated only the elements that we wanted. It worked out amazingly well. Good luck, I know this is a tough one.
I was born a Catholic and my parents, both sets of Grandparents, every single aunt, uncle, cousin (there are 46!) are Catholic, but I would say my current religious status is similar to yours right now. I would gladly get married NOT in a Church, but my Grandma, aunts, uncles and my parents wont come if we dont have a Catholic wedding in a Catholic Church. Oh and my Fiance is NOT Catholic, plus we really both have the same thoughts on organized religion. No one has expected him to convert, and we wouldnt be allowed to have a mass even if we wanted- they won`t let you if either the bride or groom are not Catholic.
So ya, that’s where we’re at…. just the rite of marriage in the church, no conversions and we don’t go to church on weekends unless we’re visiting my parents- and we’re honest up front with everyone (priest included) on that. I just couldn’t get married without my parents there, no matter how angry I am for putting the ultimatum on me.
I think it is so funny that you call Chicago the “land of a million Catholics”! I live there and I would totally agree..but I am Catholic (and grew up in the Midwest) so it just seems normal to me! Good luck figuring this all out - I know the Wedding Mass can be tricky to sort out!
This was me 3 years ago! I come from a non-religious family and the hubs family was all Catholic. We got did the Rite of Marriage in a ceremony in Catholic church, but no communion, for the same reasons you are thinking of. I didn’t want to sit out of anything at my own wedding. One thing to keep in mind is that, even in the Rite of Marriage, there are a lot of prayers that are said out loud (lord’s prayer, responsorial psalm, nicene creed) and crossing yourself. It is up to you whether you want to learn all of these and do them yourself at your wedding. I did for my wedding, but only my husband’s side of the aisle knew any of the prayers. My side was a little left out, but it was fine. Definitely do the pre-marriage retreat/counseling offered, no matter what you decide. It gave us good prep for our marriage! Going to church with your fiance is alway a great way to learn about his religion. We went to mass almost every Sunday in the year before our wedding, and then a year later, I started the process to convert. Everything worked out great for us, our Catholic church was very understanding that me/my family were not Catholic and I never felt uncomfortable about it.
@Christina: Just to clarify Snappy and Bossyboots COULD have a full Catholic Mass if that is what they wanted (sounds like it isn’t). Just to clarify there is NO stipulation that you cannot have a Catholic Mass just because one party isn’t Catholic. The reasons that Snappy listed are common reasons why people choose not to have a full Catholic Wedding Mass and go for the non Mass route (liturgy of the word & rite of marriage, omitting the liturgy of the Eucharist.)
Snaps: Sounds like you guys are finding great ways to incorporate both of your faiths! I know you are going to come up with a solution that reflects both of you beautifully! The nice thing is that you have options. I know that this topic might be sensitive for both of your families so I wish you guys the best of luck!
We’re in a similar situation- though we’re both technically Catholic, religion has been and continues to be a bigger part of my life than his.
We’re doing the Catholic ceremony, but not a full Mass, since many of our guests are not Catholic, and we feel that it’s important that they’re comfortable.
He was less than excited about the Pre-Cana, FOCCUS, and the other aspects of a Catholic wedding, but we’re just taking it step by step, and we’ve agreed to just both take from the whole pre-wedding experience what we find useful, and make the best of it all. I actually thought we both enjoyed the one-on-one meeting with our priest the most. He asked great questions, and we had a really comfortable conversation.
I would suggest to just keep being open-minded, speak up about what you’re comfortable with, and both be willing to compromise! Good luck! 
Land of a million Catholics…so true! That made me laugh. I hope you can find something that you’re both comfortable with for your wedding.
I’m Catholic. He isn’t. He was the one who suggested having the ceremony in a church. I was actually shocked and touched (he’s pretty great). We are having the Rite of Marriage, which should be about 30-40 minutes long. We took the focus survey (its a scantron (sp?)) which helps guide your conversations with the priest. You have to agree that your kids will be raised Catholic. We have to do a weekend retreat with other engaged couples and might have to take a rhythm method class. The Future Hubby is Ok with everything so far. Best advice I have is to not giggle when the priest says “sex”. Childish I know but we re doing pre-marital classes with a shrink and the Catholic version (pre-cana) and the only difference is that the shrink doesn’t talk about God each session.
I grew up in the mid-west (and still live) but my hometown was founded by Swedes so it was land of the Lutherans and I know very few Catholics, even after I went to college! Good luck with whatever you decide, I know it will work out in the end.
My husbands family are very devout Catholics - I was raised Catholic and completed all my sacraments but it wasn’t the forefront of my family structure and I still feel completely lost when it comes to praying over dinner or the rosary and even mass on the occasional Sunday mornings that we spend there. It was very intimidating for me.
Some Advice: Participate in Pre-Cana if you are given the opportunity. I was really nervous about it at first but amazed at how much I actually enjoyed it and it really brought my husband and I closer by raising topics we never thought to talk about. I had these pre-conceived notions about how strict the church is and while they have rules I was quite amazed at the leniency too. I learned a lot that day we spent in pre-cana and it was one of my favorite moments during my engagement. We learned a lot about each other, our relationship, our future. Plus it was tons of fun to meet other engaged couples.
I’m Catholic, DH is not. My family was much like zippitydoodah in that is was an embarrassment to have their daughter marry outside the church. So yeah, we met with this awesome priest who talked us through everything. He worded stuff so we wouldn’t lie, “You’ll raise your kids in church, right?” Not the Catholic church, per se but a church! He made us understand why Catholics believe that marriage should only happen in a church.
We did do Pre-Cana which was not fun at all. Maybe we just got annoying leaders or something.
We added elements of my husband’s faith as well to the ceremony. We got to use whatever readings we wanted, whatever music, whatever musicians. The church we were in was extremely relaxed and open to just about anything. Some people we met in Pre-Cana said their churchs were very strict (bride must have covered shoulders, must use the church’s musicians, etc.) but we just didn’t run into that.
Good luck! I know first hand how tricky this all can be.
Ohhh… I love this post! I am Methodist and my fiance is Catholic. He has gone through all his sacraments thus far (sorry… I am not too well versed in Catholic terminology) and I know that getting married IN the Catholic church is another sacarment. As a Methodist, I can get married anywhere and have it recognized by my church. Since this is not the case for my fiance, we are getting married at his church. We are not having a full mass because I am not at all comfortable with the thought of being denied communion on my wedding day. I have no plan to ever convert to Catholocism, but I feel that it is an easy compromise for me to get married at my guy’s church. I am ever expoloring the possibility of having my pastor co-officiate the ceremony in the Catholic church. I have been told it can be done!! And as for the pre-marital classes the Church requires you to take, we are doing 4 tuesday nights. No biggie. For no other reason, you should get married in the Catholic church because I am sure there are super gorgeous ones in Chicago!! I can’t wait to hear what you decide to do!!
are you sure? Cause I’m Catholic and our priest as well as the Deacon who is marrying us told us that we can NOT have a full mass because my fiance isn’t Catholic. They had to talk to my mom because she was furious that they “wouldnt let us” haha, but I was happy because we didn’t want a super long ceremony where half the guests won’t know whats going on!
@zippitydoodah: I am not Catholic, but I have been given the option of having a full mass at my boyfriend’s Catholic church. I know there are issues with whether or not the non-Catholic is baptised and confirmed.
@lisamarieloves:
Hm weird, maybe it’s just our Church then? My fiance has been baptized and is Anglican (they said we couldnt get married at all if he wasn’t baptized…). Or maybe its just very frowned upon or something, he said the reason why is because it is alienating to the non-catholic and their family- which it is. I know his mom would have taken it very personally if we had opted to have communion when she can’t participate.
I’m the Catholic on our relationship, my Fiance grew up Mennonite. I haven’t been practicing since I went to college and didn’t really have a preference where we got married. My then boyfriend and I moved to a new state and started going to a Methodist church, which we both enjoyed. When we got engaged we wanted to get married there, but my very devout Catholic father refused to go if we did get married in a Methodist church. And to add to the drama, my fiance had been previously married and up to that point did not want to annull his first marriage. Long story short, after 6 months of counseling and some serious conversations with my fiance, he annulled his marriage and we decided to have a Catholic wedding. We are doing the Rite of Marriage only, not a full mass and to incorporate the fiance in the ceremony, we are opening the wedding with his favorite hymn and we picked the readings together. We are also doing Unity Sand instead of a candle. My mother always said I have to be different!
We have been doing the pre-cana and still have the Engaged Encounter to do. It was interesting to go thru the Foccus test, mainly because my fiance seems to like to talk theology and alot of our sessions went over because Father and the fiance kept talking the theological differences of Catholics and Mennonites.
They priest/deacon may have just chosen to not allow the full mass. They have the discretion to make some of those decisions.
@KarenK: Ohhhh… that may be the case. I know in my situation, my fiance really wanted the priest who baptised and confirmed him to officiate our ceremony. That particular priest, however, only performs wedding ceremonies that incorporate the full mass. I don’t want the full mass, so we have to use a deacon of the church.
we’re both Catholic, and getting married in a full mass, but I’m going to give a big shout-out to an engaged encounter retreat weekend. We went with a lot of mixed-faith couples, and it was just a great opportunity to grow as a couple, period, not necessarily to grow as a Catholic couple. Good luck with your decisions!
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Miss Snapdragon, Chicago/Dallas Age and Occupation: 32,Associate Producer Fiance's Age and Occupation: 33, Lighting Designer Blogging Since: November 14, 2008 Engagement Date: January 1, 2011 Wedding Date: March 2012 Venue: Marie Gabrielle About Me: Voracious reader of short stories, Russian literature, National Geographic and Cosmo. I'm a GENIUS at spicing up Weight Watchers recipes and a pathological cheater at board games. I run a slow marathon, but my feet are learning to move faster. Mornings aren't my thing, but I can night owl with the best of them. Don't tempt me with your Cherry Cokes---I'm trying to quit. Tomorrow. Or never.
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