Weddingbee Blog

Having now shown you our ribbon boutonnières, I have a confession to make: I’m conflicted about the way we’ve gendered the floral elements for our wedding party. By this I mean the tradition of those in dresses carrying bouquets and those not in dresses wearing boutonnières. Even though this is exactly what we’ve chosen to do, I gotta say that the assumed gender segregation of this situation really irks me. (I say ’assumed’ gender segregation because our wedding party doesn’t actually break down into women = dresses and men = pants.)

Any time there’s a tradition or common assumption about the way something “should be” done or the way it’s “usually done,” I’m the kind of person who’s going to question the hell out of that assumption before I make a decision for myself. (True in life, true for the wedding.) Just what is it that bothers me about flowers? It’s the way they get equated with femininity. It’s the expectation/assumption that women are supposed to like flowers and men are not. It’s my awareness that every time I, as a feminine person, appreciate the beauty of flowers I am simultaneously reifying the assumed gender binary. (”She is feminine and she likes flowers. Further proof that flowers are feminine.”) I think the social construction that says women can be gifted bouquets and men probably shouldn’t is the same thinking that creates a wedding world where women carry bouquets down the aisle and men go down empty-handed, sporting only a small hint of a flower on their lapel. When I really think about it, that seems like a relatively arbitrary distinction.

{arbitrary, but lovely}

image via Ruffled; photography by Katie Day

I was feeling pretty invested in violating the norm on this one, so I looked around to see what non-bouquet options existed out there. There are a fair number of weddings I found where people are skirting the flower issue (it’s a pun!) by using floral alternatives. I even had a brief flirtation with the idea of lanterns, as inspired by this picture.

image via Rock the Diamond, photography by Elizabeth Ray

But after seeing it Mr. FW said, “We’re not really lantern people.” And even though I don’t totally know what that means, somehow I knew he was right. I’ve searched high and low to try and find pictures of weddings where the wedding party members either all carried nothing or all carried the same thing, and I’ve pretty much come up empty-handed. (Another pun! Tired of me yet?) It seems that in nearly every image I’ve seen, the floral alternative item is still only carried by the women in the wedding party. 

image via Green Wedding Shoes; photography by oh, darling!

We kicked around lots of options—books, portfolios, bowls, bouquets for everyone, nothing for everyone, letting people choose their own item, etc. Nothing we could come up with really resonated with us. Now, here’s the part where I acknowledge the seemingly hypocritical aspect of all this. The truth is, I like the look of wedding party members carrying flowers and wearing boutonnières.

image via Bouquet Bridal

image via Alliwell Studios; photography by Ellie Grover

Eventually I had to ask myself whether it was worth it to choose an item I didn’t like as much as the bouquet/boutonnière combo JUST to make a statement about equality and the (in my opinion) absurd gendering of flowers. Because sometimes making a statement is absolutely worth it to me, whatever the cost. But in this instance my answer was no.

As I see it, the beauty and importance of incorporating an egalitarian analysis into our wedding (and my life) is that I have the freedom and the responsibility to think about the traditions, power dynamics, history, social implications, gender/sexuality assumptions, and implied messages inherent in these issues and then make an informed decision for myself. This way I know I’m not just choosing bouquets and bouts because “that’s the way it’s done.” I’m doing it because, after considering all the options, I (and we) have determined that this is what’s best for us. That’s a decision I can be proud of, even if I remain somewhat conflicted.

I’m curious—are there any wedding decisions you’ve felt conflicted over? What do you think about wedding party members all carrying the same thing or nothing at all?