Weddingbee Blog

Mr. Parasol and I are now a couple months into our engagement, and we have done absolutely no wedding planning. We haven’t set a date, researched any vendors, or even decided what we want for our big day. To be fair, we intentionally put off any definitive wedding planning because we want to savor the joy of simply being engaged without all the stress of planning.

We still aren’t totally certain we want to have a wedding anyway, and given that Mr. Parasol and I have so much on our plates right now, we barely have time to think about planning a wedding. We are both finishing up our graduate degrees, deciding where Mr. Parasol will go to law school in the fall, and coordinating another relocation. Needless to say, wedding planning is the furthest thing from our minds.

But even though planning for our wedding isn’t a top priority, Mr. Parasol and I do take planning for our marriage very seriously. We are blessed to attend The Journey, an amazing church community in New York that offers engaged couples a 12-week course to help prepare them for marriage. And no, it’s nothing like the crazy premarital counseling Robin Williams forces on Mandy Moore and John Krasinski in License to Wed.

Image via Rotten Tomatoes / Film by Warner Bros. Pictures

In all seriousness, Mr. Parasol and I have learned a lot about marriage and relationships, and we have grown so much as a couple since starting our premarital counseling. Here are just a few of the important things we’ve been discussing with our group:

• You’re not supposed to be your spouse’s coach; rather, you’re supposed to be his/her biggest cheerleader and encourager.
• You and your spouse need to discover and separate your priorities and your preferences. You can’t die on every hill, so you need to know what you’re willing to compromise on and what you’re not.
• When you get married, you and your spouse form a new family. Together, you get to decide what that family will look like and create your own traditions, routines, and special occasions.
• Realize that you and your spouse have different expectations for marriage and that you each mean different things when you say, “I love you.” The most important thing isn’t to reconcile every difference, but rather to openly communicate your expectations, feelings, desires, and principles to your spouse.
• You and your spouse give and receive love differently. You need to be aware of what makes your spouse feel loved so that you can more effectively love him/her.
• A lot of marriage is about giving up the right to be right. (This one should be permanently written on the palm of my hand.)
• You need to cultivate the habit of happiness. You can’t control situations or other people, but you can control how you respond to these things.

We have talked about a lot of other important topics in our group, and all of it has been invaluable to us. We weren’t having any serious relationship problems or anything when we started the course, but doing premarital counseling has made us more deliberate in our relationship and, from there, everything has just gotten so much better (which I didn’t think was possible!). Over the past few weeks, Mr. Parasol and I have had such amazing conversations, conversations that we know will make our transition into marriage that much smoother and more blissful.

We have stopped venting to each other immediately after coming home from a long and difficult day. Instead of just dumping on the other person, we enjoy each other’s company for about an hour, and then we transition into discussing any of the difficulties we faced that day.

I have learned that Mr. Parasol’s number one love language is touch, so I now hug him more and reach for his hand whenever I can. Mr. Parasol, by comparison, has started sending me sweet texts and emails during the day to let me know he is thinking of me because one of my love languages is quality time.

We have also learned to fight more effectively. We were definitely guilty of going straight to “you” accusation during our fights: “YOU don’t ever listen to me” and “It’s all YOUR fault.” Instead, we now use “I” statements, which are so much more productive in communicating: “I felt really hurt when you said that to me. It made me feel like you don’t care.” Using “I” statements keeps us from getting into overly heated arguments and helps us to communicate effectively even when we are having a disagreement.

See? Better. So much better.

Even though planning a wedding is pretty far down on the Parasol to-do list right now, we are both excited about continuing to prepare for our marriage. And, ultimately, isn’t that what really counts? The wedding is just one day, and for many people it is truly the happiest day of their lives. It celebrates one of the most important commitments they will ever make. But the marriage is everything that comes after the celebration, the day-in and day-out relationship between two people who, for better or for worse, are committed to each other. And for me, that’s the most important thing that I can plan and prepare for right now.

How are you preparing for your marriage? Are you doing any sort of premarital counseling? I’d love to hear about it!