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First let me preface this post by saying that nobody has yet made us feel the way I’m about to describe. Nobody has said one thing about the way we’re planning our wedding or the choices we have made. I know that not everybody can say this and, for that, we are grateful.
But.
From time to time, we wonder whether our parents, our family, will raise an eyebrow at the type of wedding we’re having. We were both raised in very large Italian families—his in New York, mine in Chicago. When somebody got married, it was in a very large Catholic church, then a banquet hall—usually the same one every time—that held roughly 300 people. Cousins of cousins of cousins were invited. Everybody had a plus-one. Kids abounded. Sometimes, as a 12-year-old, you could even get a misanthropic bartender to slip you a real daiquiri instead of the virgin version you ordered. The favors were always the same. It wasn’t even a question: six Jordan almonds in a little net bag, tied with a ribbon. There were junior bridesmaids and multiple flower girls. There was always a ring bearer.
You get the point. Maybe this is your story, too. Neither of us had been to an outdoor wedding until we were well into our 20s. And, quite frankly, I’ve never seen 99% of the “trendy” stuff on blogs like these at any wedding I’ve ever been to. Bunting, cupcakes, Mad Libs, photo booths—much to my chagrin, I haven’t experienced one of them.
So, sometimes, we worry. We worry that our families will silently endure the buffet, the outdoor dancing on the deck, the lack of unity candles and readings, the absence of a limo. We worry that they’ll wonder to themselves why children aren’t invited, why plus-ones aren’t handed out like candy.
Nobody has said a thing, but because the weddings we attended growing up are so drastically different from what we want for ourselves (And isn’t that the point—that we can now choose what we want for ourselves rather than falling prey to the whims of those footing the bill?), we worry that it will leave our families cold.
None of this should matter, of course. We could have monkeys and trapeze artists and a caricaturist and one of those machines where you put a penny in and it turns it into a keepsake souvenir imprinted with the outline of Missouri—we’d still end the day married. Us, married to one another, the only two people who could probably tolerate one another for forever. 
But still.
Have you wrung your hands over the expectations of others—either real or made up inside your head? How did you overcome this burden?
I just had that happen to me at our florist meeting. The florist is a friend of the future in-laws so I was forced to use them. Which is fine by me if I don’t have to pay. We got to the part where the florist asked me about a toss bouquet. I said we weren’t doing a bouquet toss. The room full of both my FIL’s, my mother and the florist collectively gasped. They couldn’t wrap their head around the fact that we didn’t want a bouquet or garter toss. My FFIL told the florist to put a toss bouquet down on the paper with a question mark! So yeah, I totally feel this post!
If you think they’ll leave cold, have scarf favors with the wedding you two want.
I understand what you’re saying. My Latin families have weddings just like the one you described too. My wedding isn’t completely out of the ordinary but it’s not the type of wedding they’re used to. Most of my close family members haven’t heard of most of the things I’m having ( candy buffet, “I Spy Game”, “Make a Wish take a Wish”, flipbook photobook). we’re not having any orchids or roses or jordan almonds. I’m not walking down to the Bridal March song. I’m having an ice cream man with and ice cream cart greet people with a cone of their choice and tables with names of famous painters.
My idea was to make it different and unique but sometimes I worry that they just won’t get it.
I got even more worried when I started sending and handing out invites. I was so excited about our awesome modern and unique invites, but I realized people ( especially older people) didn;t even know how to hold them or read them. They didn’t understand my RSVP cards that had cute cow,chicken, and carrot images for food options.
But in the end it’s the Merenguito Wedding and my Fi and I are so excited about our choices and that it reflects us.
I hope they don’t feel too weird and uncomfortable.
I haven’t really had anyone say anything yet, but I’ve got plenty of time, so I have been more so planning things in my head and haven’t really told everyone all the details yet. We’re getting married outside, I’m not wearing a veil, no bouquet or garter toss..you get the idea. FI’s grandma mentioned the unity candle once, and I said we’re not doing that. She didn’t say much at the time, but we’ll see as time goes on! Also, I mentioned to my mom and SIL that I was thinking about having all the guys stand up at the front with FI and just the girls walking down the aisle. They did not like that idea at all and told me it would probably look wierd and not work. So, I guess I am definately going to stick with the things that are most important to me (like no veil..no matter what anyone says I will NOT be wearing one!), but if it comes down to it, little things like the guys walking down the aisle with the girls I may change, just for the sake of not arguing! In the end thought, as long as FI and I are ok with our decisions it will all work out!!! Glad to hear you and FI are doing what works best for you, and hopefully your family continues to support it!
I feel this way a lot, especially as we get closer to the wedding, but, like you said, it’s about your choices and making you happy rather than conforming to the expectations of others just for the sake of tradition or the ‘way things are done’. There’s no right or wrong at weddings, especially your own, so long as at the end of the day the couple is happy.
Girl… I feel you. We were non-traditional in a lot of ways (married in an art gallery, lounge furniture seating), but it turns out that people thought it was really cool! Different might just be the new jordan almond!
Yep, totally relate. Our families have been wonderful and said NOTHING about our choices, which include nixing aunts, uncles and cousins to keep our guest list to 60. We do feel guilt sometimes and hope they are not too disapointed with what we’ve chosen but at the end of the day if we planned the wedding they wanted, we’d be paying all this money for something we didn’t want. That makes no sense.
@Mrs.Hippo - hahaha I might just frame that saying “Different might just be the new jordan almond”. I love it!
I LOVE this post! I am in a boat of planning I wish was over. His mom wants LUXURY and LAVISH complete with a hugenormous cake, crystals, and chandeliers. Him and I are none of those things. We’d rather be cozy on a couch then at a party. We’re not clubbers or dazzlers. We’re casual. We love walking on the boardwalk and just enjoy the ability to chat about anything, everything, and nothing at all. And now we’re planning a wedding. I’ve come to the realization that MY dream wedding is way different from what other people would ever expect. I’d rather do a luncheon at an amazing restaurant then a 4 hour, fist pumping homecoming dance kind of event. I want intimate and sincere. We want to name our tables in honor of our honeymoon in Vegas, our little escape from it all. I don’t see myself with tall floral centerpeices and a light show. ugh. It’s just too much.
I got a lot of negative feedback from my mum about stuff we were doing that wasn’t ‘normal’ for a wedding.
On the Sunday after the wedding, she said ‘everything was perfect!’ so it might take until the day for them to understand you, but they’ll see it all come together.
Ah yes…you echo my feelings. Our wedding is very “different”. The mention of no bouquet toss or garter throwing (which to me is just creepy) and no cake, just pie and no plus ones and an under 70 ppl guest list, and bbq style food…well it hasnt always been met w oh fabulous!!!. Its been met with oh, wow ok, thats different. But you are right, at the end of the day, youre married and thats really what its all about! Good luck 
I know what you mean. I really hate to admit it, but I’ve had someone question or disagree with almost over single decision that I’ve made while planning this wedding. Sometimes, even if they didn’t express their disagreement, they didn’t need to because I could see it all over their face. I’ve come to realize that everyone has their own expectations and visions of what a wedding should be like. My vision doesn’t always fall in line with theirs. People don’t like that I’m not getting married in a church (I don’t even believe in god), they have a problem that I’m getting married in Rhode Island when my family is from Mass (my venue is 45 min away from my house and I live in Mass), they don’t like the fact that I don’t want a bridal shower (my FI and I have been living together for 8 years so we don’t need any gifts), they don’t like it that my bridesmaids are going to wear mismatched dresses or that my brother is going to stand on my side instead of the grooms side. I felt like I had so many people question my decisions that I started to question them as well. I finally started telling people that I didn’t care what they thought and their opinions weren’t welcome. Now when someone questions why I’m doing something one way, I tell them that that’s the way I want it and they can do it whatever way THEY want when they get married. Thankfully I have a wonderful, supportive FI that supports the decisions that we’ve/I’ve made.
I have a similar/opposite problem–in my side of the family, weddings are usually tiny, with just a handful of very close family and a couple of friends (think 30-40 people). My mother’s family is insanely WASPy (Raleigh, North Carolina, family of a judge…) and my father’s family is from rural Alaska, where you’re lucky to FIND forty people to come to your wedding.
Our wedding is going to be around 100 guests. I have six bridesmaids lined up. (Unless my sister flakes out on me, which is a very real possibility.) When my mother heard how many guests we were planning and what our budget was (10 grand), she let out a for-real gasp of horror. She said, “Why do you have to get so extravagant? Can’t you have a nice wedding for less?”
That conversation went downhill, with me trying to explain that while yes, you can have a nice wedding for less, you can’t have what she thinks of as a nice wedding for less. My mother would be horrified by paper flowers, bunting, any of the things I’ve come to love on these blogs, especially ones that are budget-effective.
And I don’t want her wedding. I’ve seen pictures.
So it’s an ongoing sore spot.
@dddd89: Aughhhhh! So frustrating!
@merenguito: OK, I need to know more about this “make a wish take a wish” business. And now I want an ice cream man at our wedding!
@lmc183: If it makes you feel better, we’re doing the same thing with our groomsmen and bridesmaids. I don’t recall ever having seen it done differently - even the huge expensive Catholic wedding we attended back in May!
@Mrs. Hippo: I too love this phrase!!!
@SGarland: Oh, man… hang in there!
@Miss Ladyfingers - make a wish take a wish is where you have two jars for guests to make and take haha.
In front of one jar you have blank note cards for people to make a wish for the happy couple, and then deposit it into the jar. The other jar has filled out cards with sayings, wishes, blessings, etc that people take a read (like a fortune cookie).
And yes , the idea of the ice cream man still makes me smile. He’s just a random man we found in front of our venue that sells ice cream to field trip students. And we walked up to him and asked him if he would come to the wedding and hand out ice cream to guests. He said we would wear his Sunday Best and clean his ice cream cart just for that day haha.
Welcome to the next generation! MY dad offered to pay for our entire wedding if we got married in the same place my parents did…and my uncle, aunt, and the plae everyone has been going to for every family event since I can remember. It only holds may 200 people. It’s also 4 hours away from where we are living now. So we are going it alone. This way we can have pies instead of cake, no garter toss, 300+ people, an ice cream station, a bouncy house for the kids, a photo booth, jam favors, cool uplighting and many other things that are against “normal” weddings. We couldn’t be happier with our decision.
@Mrs. Cinnamon Bun: Good for you…I hope we have that reaction from my family!
I totally empathize, Lady. We had a very non-traditional wedding as far as both of our families’ expectations went, and did have to deal with some unconstructive criticisms along the way. Thankfully, the overwhelming majority appreciated the “different” aspect of our celebration!
Our plans have left much tradition to the wayside but Mr. D stated early on that there must be Jordan almonds! Our families are just grateful that we are finally making everything official.
I know how you feel. I’m from NYC & the fiance’s fam is originally from there too. Everyone is used to NY style weddings (banquet halls, TONS of food, shiny chandeliers, etc. etc.) & we are doing quite the opposite. I’ve never been to a wedding like mine, but I figure there is a first time for everything! Everyone will have to deal.
Oh- be so happy no one has said something yet! Not two days after we were engaged my mother had her first crying fit when I suggested we may not have a Catholic wedding (when I found out that my parents, grandma, and about half my aunts and uncles would NOT attend if it were not a Catholic service I gave in). We have been engaged not even 5 months now, and I think I’ve made my mom cry/yell about a dozen times over things like: doing a first look, getting ready in a hotel instead of at home, not having my uncle who is a deacon marry us, marrying in a catholic church that is not the church from my childhood,etc. It’s going to be a long year…
My biggest worry though, is that I am a HUGE Walt Disney World fan, and we’re having little touches thrown in such as having a custom cake topper of us with little mickey ears on and naming the tables after Disney couples. I dont think anything will say anything, but I’ve been asked “when will you grow out of that childish phase” enough times by cousins and laughed in my face to know what lots of people will think. I generally just dont care, but every once in awhile I feel kind of sick knowing people will be laughing at me… and I’m hoping not too many people ask where my honeymoon is :S
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Mrs. Ladyfingers, Saint Petersburg, FL Age and Occupation: 30, Marketing Manager Fiance's Age and Occupation: 33, Sports Writer Engagement Date: December 24, 2010 Wedding Date: November 2011 Venue: Palma Sola Botanical Park About Me: I hail from Oklahoma, he was born and raised in Long Island. Fate brought us together, and now we live in a cute little rental house with our nutty dog, and our aloof cat. We both love to read, watch movies, explore our town, and laugh like hyenas. When I’m not obsessively wedding crafting, I enjoy stalking style and decorating blogs, making collages and painting, napping, thrifting, rearranging our bookshelves, and being a total weirdo with my friends. Hi!
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